There is a situation I would like to get your views on. So there is a divorce case going on in your in-law family. A very dramatic one. Your husband’s 4th cousin who is elder brother of hubby’s good friend as well (not very very close or best friend but a good friend) is divorcing his wife who also happens to be hubby’s 4th cousin.
You dont really socialize much with his wife’s family but meet them every now and then and family gatherings. Suddenly they call and invite you to come to a khatam at their place emphasizing that their daugther needs support and need to know more about religion and you could be a good guide for her and the younger girls in their family. And since they ask you to give a talk on an Islamic topic you find it very difficult to say no, especially if you can be some kind of inspiration to them. At the same time you fear that there might be some family politics involved in this since they might want to know stuff that hubby’s friend or hiw wife might have said about the whole divorce issues. Anyhows, you do attentd the khatam gathering, give a small talk and try to do your best to inspire them as you know that their lives are inspired more by bollywood than anything else…
Some time later you visit hubby’s friend and his wife along with your hubby. This is the younger brother of the guy who is divorcing the girl mentioned earlier and also 4th cousins of hubby…
So when you visit them they dont seem like they use to do. They kind of seem reserved and dont speak much despite being the hosts. In fact you know that they didnt invite you for the large friends get together with the other people that they usually tend to do and now when you guys meet just the two couples they still seem reluctant and reserved.
Would you in such situation think that maybe they have heard about you going to the khatam of their bhabi’s place and that you participated actively or that maybe they are just nervous that you might have heard some weird rumuours about the whole situation or maybe they were just tired…
Most importantly would you invite them to your place and talk to them about the situation discretely and tell them that since both sides are family you hope that they understand that even though we still might bumps into their bhabis family that we believe in not talking about the other party when in their company. or would that be a bad idea you think?
Mind it that this 4th cousin is a friend of my hubby but he doesnt really involve hubby in things that he does with his other friends like travelling with the guys, sports etc. Hubby and he only meets occassionally and have known each other for many years. This guy has not told us about the divorce issue but his wife did tell me earlier. To me it seemed like he didnt want to talk about it or maybe he just found it awkward.
I just find the situation challenging cuz on one side its hubby’s friend and the other side is asking me to take their daughter to islamic classes when I go etc. The girl herself didnt really speak much about it with me so i dont really know if she herself is interested or not…
Another reason for being nervous about all this is that auntie who is mother of this girl getting a divorce is known to be very smart and clever in the negative sense and therefore I could easily be part of a game that I have no idea is going on. I just dont feel comfortable.
Firstly your answer to all this is .. what you said below..
''Most importantly would you invite them to your place and talk to them about the situation discretely and tell them that since both sides are family you hope that they understand that even though we still might bumps into their bhabis family that we believe in not talking about the other party when in their company.''
and secondly .. no matter what the differences are between families be it friends or 4th cousins ..what the guy has asked of you to do is ''is asking me to take their daughter to islamic classes when I go etc'' is a good thing and a reasonable and extreme manner in resolving sittuations such as this .. and it is upto u too keep up this and be a help and carry on taking this girl to Islamic Functions etc where neccesary and this will also help the sittuation in a way cos she may not talk much etc lekin it will surely take her mind off other things and she being in ur company will help her to relax, after all someone has asked you to take her in ur company and they have asked only cos they see that you are able to make a difference no matter what else is going around/on.
Personally I dont have any issue in helping others. I am just really afraid that something might be cooking in the background as the elders of that family are known as jaghralu and chalaak. kind of scary...I kind of hide from aunties and uncles cuz I have so far only had negative experience with them.....
I would suggest that you stay from all the drama if possible. Desis have a talent of turning everything into a bad bollywood movie, specifically family feuds, and being a part of it is never fun.. only upsetting and annoying.
I would suggest that you stay from all the drama if possible. Desis have a talent of turning everything into a bad bollywood movie, specifically family feuds, and being a part of it is never fun.. only upsetting and annoying.
The recent incidents with aunties and their grown up kids made me think how corrupt desi minds are and how much I fear them...
I entered into our marriage as a nervous wreck cuz my previous experiences in life had not been any good. I have been let down by parents, a sister, friends and ppl around. I just couldn’t trust ppl. Then I started to study my deen and have realized how important it is to have a good opinion about others and what a big sin it is to be sceptical towards others. Keeping that in mind I started to ignore my feelings and thoughts and tried to be good to everybody around me – be it desi or not desi. But believe me dealing with desis is really really tough. They just don’t take NO for an answer and keep bugging you until thei get their will.
I tend to be over sweet to people and then I realize that they are taking advantage of me – well not everybody but many…
Now I m just too tired of that kind of ppl and want to cut off all contact with aunties and their tabbar. My mum isn’t speaking to me these days cuz I didn’t support her in forcing my brother to marry a cousin and I really miss talking to her. Why cant I have a normal relationship to my parents and other people ..just like everybody else…life is really lonely these days and I just tend to bump into the selfish and pushy kind of ppl.