I just heard my dad say " yeh bachey zaida samaj daar hain..inko pata hai duniya kasiey chalti hai" to his sister. ANd i am just confused.. i never thought i could be smarter than my dad..is he over estimating me? its a scary feeling b/c it the more the expectations the more i’ll have to have to work hard and prove them right. which is good b/c it will get me more motivated and it surely helps that he thinks highly of us (my siblings and I).
I’ve always seen my dad as a super dad and he has set high standards for me. And have always treated me like his “son”. He has always been on my side (whenever my mom n i had agruments about girl/guy issues). On the other hand my mom is typical Pakistani lady. She always put my brothers above me in everything thing…even if they don’t deserve to be there (like making them breakfast when he is on the computer chatting,..etc) … this is an totally off-topic ..the point is that how my dad has put his total confidence in me and my sister;he is very liberal compared to my mom. SO, as a daughter, isn’t it my duty too to look after them after he gets his retirement? (as in support them financially) I’m in pre-med (1st yr in college) so by the time i’ll b a doc i will b 27…and married(??not sure though) and after marriage i’ll probably ask to stay at home and look after kids..and if i get a awesome husband, he might let me work after i’m done with all babies, etc..so there goes another 3-4 years…
I’ll be 30 plus by the time im independent and able to support my parents.
The thing is that i so don’t trust my brothers to look after my parents (i don’t know why but i have this feeling..they’re just not reliable) and my dad is an engineer and mashallah is very financially stable ( also pays for my bro’s n mine college tuition) but in the long run, when he retires, then what? is it just my brother’s responsibility to take care of my parents.
wow..ok i’m done now.. i’ve asked too many questions…so lets hear what you all think about it?
I dont c why any parents would have a problem with their daughters taking care of them. Unless ure mom is happy to be miserable and alone coz she is too proud to let her daughter take care of her, i say take care of them. If ur dad objects to u taking care of him, remind him of the upbringing he gave you.
How old are your brothers?
It is not only their responsibilty. That's another stupid cultural belief that needs to die out :) We are all responsible for our own parents, not your inlaws. :)
Do you think both of them are unreliable? With younger ones it's hard to tell because they still need time to mature, so I think 16 is too young to tell whether he'll be unreliable later on in life. But you know them better :)
it’s refreshing to see for once someone here prefers to put their house/kids ahead of profession (medical)..and in the long-run this kind of attitude is going gurantee minimal altercations with ur hubby and a smooth marriage..u might be 18 but emotionally and mentally ur far more mature than our guppan aunties here..God Bless :k:
I am sorry but why do you guys think that when you get married you have to sit home? What is the use of going through 8 years of med schools if you are not going to practice it? And why do you think you need permission from your husband to work?
Anyhow back to your question… I think it is both son's and daughter's equal responsibility to take care of their parents. Now in this age, when parents spend equally on both son and daughter, there is no reason for a daughter to not support/take care of her parents.
cuz those women feel a great level of affinity to their children and home…only she can raise her children the best way…it also doesnt mean that she has to abandon her professional goals/dreams…she can alwyas take them up after children have grown up..
It's this silly thing in our culture that parents think their sons will be the ones to care for them. But will their daughter-in-laws really do it selflessly? I don't think so. My relationship with my parents was very similar to yours. I was a daddy's girl also and my mother was making sure I had a long list of chores and no freedom compared to my brothers. In their own ways they tried to ensure that I'd become responsible and mature as I got older. My brothers however got a little babied. So I tend to think I am more patient and prepared to care for my parents especially when they're very elderly and weak. I grew up with my Daadi in our home. She was my mom's Khala so my mom was the main caretaker. She developed Alzheimer's and had a series of strokes. She deteriorated very quickly. So I helped care for her. Even if I just sat with her or brushed her hair she would rub my hands and say thank you. It meant so much to her that I just sat with her. Caring for parents is not just a financial responsibility. It's emotional also. I hope that your brothers do grow up to be what your parents need. And I hope that between you and your brothers, you can all share the responsibility of caring for your parents.
This sounds like my story…I have no hopes from my brothers…and my abu isnt only the best father but the best human on this earth!..and hes like…im so proud of u…n tells my dadi how I got good grades n scholarships n he has faith in me that ill do good in future etc…sometimes i feel little nervous about it too cuz i don’t ever want to let him down…khair he has done so many things for us children and always been a perfect father/friend/teacher…my mom too…she gets typ pakistani sometimes but i kno she loves me…and i feel i shud do somethin for them too…not to pay them back but cuz i feel happy and satisfied when i make them happy…i have so many plans and dreams for them…like when i’d be independant…i wudnt let them do anything but make them live every moment of their lives…take them to world tour and make them enjoy every second of it…build them a sweet little house and decoarte it beautifuly with love and care…do everything that make them smile…etc etc etc…but i know this isnt realistic…i think too much and then i end up completely lost…what if i get married and my husband isnt the nicest person and dsn’t let me do things I want to do?..what if I stay single?..but what if my parents don’t like that decision? what if sumthin else happens? what if what if…ugh!!
then a light comes out from the sky and tells me pari stay motivated…complete the education…find mr right and tell him your dreams/plans…if he respects it then get married (otherwise wait for someone else )…take time out for parents, husband, work…and don’t think about babies for atleast 3 4 years…if husband can support yur family then your earnings can support your parents…save some for future so when you become a mother and don’t work u can still support them…do things to make them feel important…take breaks and spend time with husband/kids…n then everybody lives happily ever after…
it sounds dreamy but who knows it may work…best u can do is focus n keep urself open to changes…no one can tell anythin but time…we can only imagine and hope…
It is very noble of you to want to look after your parents. Perhaps your brothers are not mature enough yet to realise that your parents will need help one day. I’m sure in time, they will come to realise it. However, if they don’t, there is nothing stopping you from looking after your family unless you are living in another country … your brothers are both very young still though so don’t lose hope, yet. Also, you shouldn’t have to ask permission to look after your parents. Most people are understanding and I’m sure your future husband will understand your need to want to look after your parents.
Going a bit off topic, I have to agree with Lusi here.
It really defeats the purpose of going through all that schooling if you are just going to be a housewife and not even practice in your field. Not only that, but it’s taking away the chance to be a doctor from someone else who actually *wants *to practice and not just get theoretical knowledge, which is what med school is largely about. It is abandoning your dreams if you aren’t actually going to practice what you learned. This is a very typical scenario in our desi community, becoming a doctor/lawyer for status and then being a housewife. I know that is not what you have said, but it is something I have noticed in our community.
Becoming a doctor or a lawyer after staying at home for a set number of years while having no practical experience in the work field is a nice idea. Unfortunately, it isn’t realistic.
Sara- i know he is too young but he is following my older bro’s foot steps. I don’t want to portray them as evil, b/c they’re not. It just that they seem selfish, no matter what my mom n dad do for them, its never enough for them. and they take everything thing they do for granted. And i see to what extent my parents go to to make them happy in every possible way and they don’t even realize that. In a way, my mom has totally spoilt them and she treats them like a badshahs, my mom gives them more love then she gives my dad, my sister and i combine. Not that im jealous, in any way but i think it won’t help her in the long run and they don’t give her the respect my mom deserves. My older brother seems to be lost in his own world -his friends and his twice (or more) a year trips to out of state and to Europe (and my mom don’t even question him about anything…and he is just allowed to go anywhere he wants to whereas im not allowed to sleepover at my bestfriend’s place b/c she’s got older brothers as well).On the top of it, he is not doing too well academically. He is just so irresponsible, and takes absolutely no interest in family matters, he is just depend on my parents for money and shelter it seems. Sometimes, i feel like the oldest, more mature and i feel if he is not going to deliver then it all comes down to me. And being a girl, (getting married at the right age, even though i told my mom i won’t get married untill im done with studies..but she is too under pressure and girls (my friends) are getting married in young age these days…) balancing studies, marriage(inlaws,husband, home) parents, just seems overwhelming.
Saimanyc- i agree with you totally, but i don’t c too many girls here taking care of their parents after their marriage. I look around and see how they are so ‘busy’ with their new family (kids and husband) and devoted to them and can’t even afford time off to c their parents when they’re in need (be it financial or emotional).. and i c how parents never ask their daughters for anything…no matter how bad position they may be in.. (maybe it will change) i’ve yet to c a girl supporting his former family.
Lusi- i knew that was comming. Thanks for answering your own questions
Pyari C- aww…you have such nice thoughts and dreams for you parents. I hope you make those dreams come true. just remember the golden rule: Anything is possible if you are willing to work hard.
I agree w/ Saima. Give your brothers a bit of time. It takes a long time for guys to mature and they are quite young in men years to think about looking after their parents when they get older. Women tend to mature earlier and we think about these things at an early age than men do.
One reason it is tough for married women to look after their parents is because they ‘acquire’ a whole new family when they get married. I am sure most married women do the best they can to look after their in-laws and their parents. It is tough to manage 2 or 3 households at one time If your parents are willing to move in with you or live close to you after you get married, then I can see you looking after them on a more permanent day to day basis. If they live in a different city/country then it is not as feasible to leave your husband and kids behind and visit your family on a regular basis. It is good to see that you are thinking about it early enough and if circumstances permit, I am sure you’ll do a great job of looking after your parents because you have the willingness to do so :k:
Mehnaz - but ive seen girls manage that. I know a aunty who gave up med school when she got married and got busy with her kids, and now that her kids are all grown up (18-19 years of gap) she has just started her residency.
Rukhsarbibi- i know what you and Saima are saying but i’m just considering possibilities,(i hope i’m proven wrong) lakin wasiey hi its in everyone’s best interest to prepare oneself for the worst.
)…take time out for parents, husband, work…and don’t think about babies for atleast 3 4 years…if husband can support yur family then your earnings can support your parents…save some for future so when you become a mother and don’t work u can still support them…do things to make them feel important…take breaks and spend time with husband/kids…n then everybody lives happily ever after…
..opps my bad.