So there is trouble in paradise. I took Mrs out for lunch for the 20th wedding anniversary and then I took her to the Puma store and bought her a couple of pairs of trainers. Her other shoes seemed worn. The next day we had an argument, I am needing some time for myself and I really need her to help with dishes and stuff. Normally I would not ask for help but this year I want to get in shape and I am hiking 2 to 3 hours a day. She flatly refused and said I am not your naukrani then I told her that look at all the other women they work and they give their husbands food and help with house work, as soon as I mentioned Anjums name she flew off the handle and took of the new PUMA shoe and started beating me with it. I don’t believe in being physical with women plus I am built like a brick chit house so the beating didnt hurt that much but the ego got bruised. I was really hurt emotionally and the next day I told her that I will leave her and now she is running around kissing my behind making me omelette and Paratha and doing dishes etc. She told me that buying shoes and knives and forks as a gift is a bad omen. I am so glad I didn’t buy her knives. I did forgive her this time and made it very clear that she cannot behave like this ever again. This is the second time she crossed the line with me and there wont be a third. So you think some gifts can be a bad omen? Yes @ illuminate, one sided giving can only last for so long.
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Please tell me you are joking bobby uncle… because that is just NOT ok… AT ALL! As far as gifts being bad omen, you really believe that?
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No baita, I am not. I make things work as the ultimate goal is the well being of children. Her sister does that also, she would get extremely violent then say that she was not herself as someone did jadoo on her. I have my children and that is more than enough for me. I think I will have to stop being so giving and go on this epic camping trip by myself. Doctor is asking me to look after my health, I am the sole breadwinner for the family and in my business fitness is a mandate.
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I’m sorry to hear that this happened. If this is out of character of her then you need to sit down and talk about expectations and draw some boundaries. I don’t condone violence in a marriage and this was really unacceptable no matter how angry or upset she was. There are certain lines you don’t cross. Having your own life outside of marriage is very important. You need to have your own personality and sometimes taking time for yourself not only helps with personal growth and care but allows for the other person to miss and long for you which you don’t get to do often in marriage. There is no harm in being so giving only if the other person has that mutual ehsaas and respect for you, once that’s lost its hard to get back again. Personal care and love and having your own standards will allow the other person to look at you as an equal, be a willing partner and contribute an equal amount.
lol and buying the whole bad omen thing is out of character for you!
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I’m surprised the title of the thread wasn’t “spousal abuse” or “uncooperative spouse.” Anyhow…the “issue” of gifts and omens is about as significant to this humble story as is the brand name of the shoes and your brick-like physique.
More seriously though, sacrificing some of your time and energy for your loved ones does not make one a servant. However, if it repeatedly comes with a lack of consideration or little to zero reciprocation…then it’s easy for one partner to feel like they’re being taken advantage of or to feel like a servant. To immediately associate these tasks with servility is a bit much imo. But to each their own.
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She did apologize and I have asked her to get up in the morning, years would go by before she would ask if want breakfast. Kids were little so I decided to do everything so she has energy to spend quality time with kids and drive them to training etc. Now 2 kids are driving and I feel I should have time to workout and look after myself. I don’t think I will be able to have the same feelings for her again and will travel alone to beautiful places. I am very content with myself and don really need anyone to make me happy.
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My psychologist had told me that there are many women abusing husbands now, if husbands try to defend themselves they call police on them and getting arrested means losing your job and everything. My friend Bridgette’s brother talked about leaving his wife and she charged him with rape and her parents had to mortgage their house to defend him.
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Aww… I think you’ll miss her and it’ll be all good again. Glad that you gave her time with the kids when they were younger. It’s so important. Just take some time and space and re-visit later. When little things start adding up on both sides and are not discussed they implode and that’s not good for anyone. Balance is key. Had you always made things where each of you were being taken care of then there would be no one side giving more and then getting exhausted. Better late than never. Just have a healthy discussion. It’ll be all good iA!
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Now where’s the empathy, huh? huh?
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She refuses to adapt to western morality and I think subconsciously still thinks that she should be supplied with Naukars and as a Muslim lady husband cant require her to work outside. I helped her sister acquire a refugee status in Canada and the first thing she does is threaten me. As soon as the widowed wife of Colonel Afridi came to my house she admonished me for not providing servants for her dear sister. There is a reason I raised my children to be westerners. She does not have empathy as on Saturday I got up at six hiked for 6k, came home made my own breakfast, had prepared food for several days on Friday and when I left home she was still sleeping and when I got home there were dirty dishes in the sink, counter didn’t have space for me to sit and eat and she is complaining about being tired, so yeah total lack of empathy. She doesn’t understand how hard children and me are working.
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lol, I was talking about “Bridgette’s brother’s wife” who I presume is white and lacking empathy.
Breathe. Reflect. Come back to it and talk it out. I am sure if you both go in with an open mind and are willing to work to make things better it’ll be okay iA.
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There is no way she would participate, It was either I put a huge effort feed kids arrange for their athletics etc or they end up neglected and neglecting them was not an option. She has been complaining about aches and pains since the first born. Many women know that some men will never leave if there are children involved. Luckily the marriage is not legally registered as the Imam was a quack and now I don’t get threatened as much.
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No one is required to stay in a marriage. I know when kids are involved its different and parents make sacrifices to keep things together for them but why would anyone feel entitled to being married when they don’t work for it? People can stay married and never live as a happy, fulfilled couple and that to me is very sad. Kids pick up on these things, they’re not dumb. Threats to keep people in line is a clear indication that respect is not there.
And let’s be real. You’re probably not perfect either and drive her crazy sometimes too. So you’ll have to hear her out too, patiently.
Someone told me this analogy a while ago and it stuck with me. A house that is built on sand will never stand. You’ve now moved furniture into the house built on sand and it’s about to crumble. You need to start with a strong foundation first and then add the furniture in (ie. the kids, the efforts, the life goals, etc). Since it’s been many years into your marriage now it’ll be harder but you can say to her “I know how it’s been so far, but this is where I am and these are my concerns”. The foundation has to be destroyed and a new house needs to be built. It will take time.
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Once you have children nothing else matters and you have to live for them, I don’t really listen to advice from books and make my own rules. Some times one person will have to carry more load. She is really remorseful, she made lots of food for me today and cleaned my bathroom and changed my bedsheets. I will continue to make time for my workout and follow my dream of road trips and camping. I am a happy person and don’t allow people to make me sad.
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She sent me a nice fb message and has now apologized several times, she seemed hurt that I am now traveling alone.
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If I remember correctly, your children are teenagers right? Like 15/16 (around that age)? So this is what you’re teaching your children? Once they get married and have children, they should stay in that marriage no matter what…even if their spouse physically hits them multiple times?
This is such a desi way of thinking. Surprising coming from someone who claims to be to westernized.
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I don’t box myself in as western or eastern. I like the eastern family values of commitment, loyalty, and dedication. I have dedicated my life to my family and yes I am going to make things work. She has apologized several times, it isn’t real love if you can’t forgive. Plus she didn’t beat me in front of the children. I did provoke her by mentioning Anjum’s name as she hates her for being flirtatious.
In an argument whoever gets angry loses, she is making omelets, parathas, gobi gosht, phulka rotis she cleaned up my stuff etc and conceded on all negotiations.
I had done anger management courses so yeah anger makes you lose as in guilt you end up giving a lot more.
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This might make me sound like a jerk but I actually laughed when read this.