President Bush reached an historic agreement with congress this morning, giving him the ultimate power to launch a unilateral US invasion of Iraq. An elated and relieved Bush announced the invasion would begin " as soon as possible" and would start with focussed bombing of all of Iraq’s carpet factories. " We have to terminate Saddam’s flying carpet capability," said the president…
… before snickering members of the United Nations this afternoon. " I’m not stupid, and if we don’t get rid of those flying carpets soon, it’ll be mayhem. Have you ever tried to hide from one of those things? Why, if all of Saddam’s soldiers came over to America on their flying carpets, they could insinuate themselves into our living rooms and shopping malls in no time." Bush cited a top secret report given to him by Vice President Cheney, entitled " Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves," as proof that the flying carpet threat is a real one. " Saddam says he doesn’t have flying carpet capability, and the United Nations weapons inspectors have backed him up on this, but we don’t believe he has allowed them full access to a place called ‘Haji Baba’s Persian Rugs R’ Us Warehouse’ in the suburbs of Baghdad."
Once the flying carpet threat has been tackled, says Bush, the next step for the United States will be ridding Iraq of all its magic bottles. " Look, even if there was only one magic bottle, and one Iraqi soldier, that’s three wishes right there. Wish one: Assassinate George W. Wish two: Assassinate George Senior. Wish three: Nuke the United States. We’d all be dead," asserted the president. While Saddam has frequently insisted he has no magic bottles containing Genies, Bush urged the UN members not to believe it. " The American people are not stupid. We’ve all seen ‘I Dream of Jeannie.’ Remember how Jeannie was always telling Major Nelson she came from Baghdad? Remember how Jeannie could do anything, if she wanted? Including mean things? Remember how she used to turn all of Major Nelson’s dates into dogs? Imagine the American people all turned into dogs! And all because we didn’t stop Saddam. And remember Jeannie’s boss, The Blue Jin, the King of all the Genies? Remember how he was all blue and all-powerful and scary. He even tried to kill Major Nelson once. Well he lived in Baghdad too. And he was an evil-doer. And the evil-doers must be stopped, even if they look like Barbara Eden."
Barbara Eden, Larry Hagman, the man who played The Blue Jin and the owner of ‘Haji Baba’s Persian Rugs R’ Us Warehouse’ could not be reached for comment.
