Bullies and cyberbullies

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Yesterday we had a special day in the Netherlands to create more understanding about bullies and cyberbullies, their victims, the bystanders who often do nothing about it and how we can all perhaps try to change it. I have no idea if and how much these shows help, as schools have had anti bullying programs for years and still their pupils often bully and mistreat others in various ways. I still hope it will make a difference.

If you are being bullied, I hope you will get some help. A lot of victims fear asking help in case things get worse, but they already are worse, how much more worse should your situation become before you finally ask help? Nowadays there are places where you can talk about these issues. So please do get help if you are in trouble.

Don’t give the bullies what they want: your life unhappy or totally in ruins which is what most bullies are after.

This is a very personal issue for me. I’ve been bullied most of my life. Even now as an adult I’m often mistreated, for example at work. In some places I worked it was more terrible than in others, yes, even adults bully. My children have been bullied. Alhamdulilah it has stopped for them. I don’t think I will personally ever have a life without being bullied. I’m used to it now. Sometimes it does still make me a bit sad though.

Watching the programs about bullying and cyberbullying brought back many emotions and terrible memories from the past as well as sadness for the current victims. All those young lives ruined or partly ruined because of the bullies! We have to help the children. Their lives are just beginning and they should have every chance of a decent future and of being healthy both physically and mentally while preparing for adulthood.

Some helpful** links involving bullying and children**, I do hope they will make a difference for someone:

help for kids who are being bullied

Helping Kids Deal With Bullies

Deal with a Bully and Overcome Bullying: Helping bullied kids and teens and those who bully them

7 Ways to Support Teen Bullying Victims | Psychology Today

http://www.bullying.co.uk/cyberbullying/how-to-deal-with-cyberbullying/

**Links about bullying at work:

**Work Bully Victims Struggle with Dangerous Stress | Workplace Bullying, Rudeness & Incivility | Stress & Health | LiveScience
More help with workplace bullying - recover your balance

How Not to Be the Victim of Workplace Bullying

Workplace Bullies - What To Do About Workplace Bullies

When workplace bullies claim victim status: Avoiding the judo flip « Minding the Workplace
(this happened to me, I even almost became homeless because of bullies falsely accusing me! I even have evidence that they falsely accused me . . ., that’s part of the reason I’m not homeless now, be careful around bullies, most are shameless sly horrible people)

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I love how threads like this get ignored but “What if after marriage…”/ “My Evil MIL/FIL/DIL/SIL!” get pages and pages of responses :hehe:

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I’m sorry you were bullied. It sucks that it’s not discussed as much as it should be, especially cyber bullying. With technology on the rise, more and more kids are exposed to the internet at fairly young ages - and almost always become victims of cyber bullying, whether they’re being bullied, or one of the bullies.

I’ve seen my cousin’s instagram comments spammed with such horrible things from kids his age, 8, and younger/ older. I’m sure he isn’t innocent… And that’s not an excuse.

I used to be a bully when I was in middle school. Looking back now, I feel terrible. I was so mean to certain people for no reason other than I could/ they couldn’t stop me. And of course, that opened the door for other people to be jerks to that person. :bummer:

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Bullies and cyberbullies

The advent of social media has taken bullying to a whole other level. Even grown ass adults are so cruel to each other in the most irrelevant ways…like even the cooking and recipe groups on FB aren’t immune to bullying. It’s so sad. My eldest will soon be 11 and hasn’t shown any interest in Instagram, FB or twitter yet…I plan on keeping him away from all that as long as I can.

I haven’t really ever experienced bullying in school, nor have my children, and I pray it stays that way :sid:

Thank you for sharing your experiences and these links

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I agree, the internet, social media, and even message boards, has taken bullying to a whole other level. It is pretty disgusting. I wonder if people who have these tendencies feel any remorse at all for putting people down, or are pretty much sociopaths. And what about kids who have harmed/committed suicide by extreme bullying? I wonder if it has any effect on their tormentors.

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I don't remember bulling being a problem when I was in school IN Pakistan. I asked my hubby if he experienced it in Pakistan...n he said no. So it a issue only in the western world...or things are chaning back home as well?

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MM, I’m glad you understand how terrible bullying is and that you stopped and really are sorry about it. That is important. I’m sure you’ll make sure none of your children would ever bully someone else.

rabia3983, a Pakistani child who was here in the Netherlands for a short while (visiting his Dad who worked here for a few months) told me was being bullied in his school in Pakistan for being poor. I’m talking about the 80s. I’m afraid it happens everywhere in the world.

Some** links about bullying in Pakistan:**

http://www.jpma.org.pk/full_article_text.php?article_id=4649

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/parenting/414453-is-bullying-in-pakistan-the-same-as-it-is-in-the-us-uk.html
(just found this GupShup link from 2010, interesting read)

“Bullying of medical students in Pakistan: a cross-sectional questionna” by Syed Ahmer, Abdul Wahab Yousafzai et al.]("Bullying of medical students in Pakistan: a cross-sectional questionna" by Syed Ahmer, Abdul Wahab Yousafzai et al.)
(medical students being bullied too)

Bullying - Online Child Specialist In Pakistan

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I think as a parent you have to work on making sure you are careful about what you say about others or how you feel or think about them in front of your kids. If kids see you putting down every other person, they are gonna pick up on that too. Tolerance is taught by actions. Kids are naturally curious and they question things that may be different but to share strong stereotypical opinions in front of them sort of validates that it is okay to pick and mock someone. I don't want my kid to be a victim or a bully but ideally I want them to stand up for themselves. I wasn't really bullied and I was this straight laced immigrant fourth grader. Kids were nicer back then. Now, they can probably and most likely make me cry.

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Great topic. Bullying has no age limit. Ragging or hazing in hostels in back home was something I detested. Pointless. Ganging up on someone who is different is a.common form of bullying. Dehumanizing a whole group of people based on their orientation is a form of bullying. Staying silent in the face of such conduct is being indifferent to such conduct - because it directly doesn't affect you. Using majority opinion to promote unfairness towards a minority is another form of bullying. Providing active or silent support to such bullying is bullying or condoning it.

Bullying is more widespread based on above definition. Most of us engage in it. Key is to recognize. Then mi imize. Then eliminate. It starts with having EMPATHY for those different from us.

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^This!!!

I quite agree that the tolerance is taught at home and that children definitely pick up on their parents' behaviour. I've heard very young children make rather nasty, quite adult remarks and I doubt they came up with those on their own. I think it's more likely that they heard such remarks from their parents or other adults they interact with and were simply repeating what they heard. I think parents often underestimate the influence their behaviour has on their children.

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This.

I've never been bullied and never bullied anyone either but on the other hand I've never stopped anyone for bullying someone else. I always feel bad for that part because now I wish I had said something instead of keeping my mouth shut.

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^ Same. And the sad part is that I have been bullied. Not in a malicious or stereotypical manner but the odd joke at my expense type of behaviour. And then, by the time I got to highschool, I was "cool" but I never stood up for people when they were being picked on, and I feel terrible for that because I know exactly how it feels.

Moodie makes a great point about kids picking things up. My mom is shocked at the things I remember from early childhood. Kids aren't morons, they understand a lot more than some adults give them credit for.

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There is always time to stand up for people that are picked on by society at large. Never too late. One can start right here.

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This is great advice, BUT here in the US the bigger issue is the lack of parenting, kids don't get the attention they want from their parents, kids dont even have both parents in their lives, unstable household...etc.
I think that’s a cause of a lot of bulling in the west. So i think as a parent we have to prepare our children to deal with these types of situations...i don't know how you prepare them.

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I don't think I agree with is, it seems like a gross exaggeration. I spend a lot of time as a youth group advisor at our masjid and I can say that some of the meanest kids I've seen are the ones whose moms are the gossipy, "ladies who lunch" stay at home crowd. They emulate the behaviors they see at home. I think what moodie is getting at is if kids witness their parents being snarky/elitist/mean spirited they will learn those behaviors themselves. Kids are like sponges and absorb everything. Teaching empathy is the easiest way to prepare your kids on how to deal with bullying.

Going back to your earlier comment about bullying not being prevalent in schools in Pakistan...my husband has told me plenty of stories about the antics of his classmates in KHI, and they were downright mean. It's not a geographical problem, bullying happens everywhere and takes on many different forms.

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I really don’t agree with this.
Personally I’d rather have ONE loving and devoted parent in my life than two who argue and fight all the time.

Just visiting Pakistan a couple of months ago I witnessed bullying almost on a daily basis. Parents yelling and calling their kids ukp’s and all kinds of names, making them feel like lesser human beings for the sake of “teaching” them. Not good parenting, but bullying.
Kids bullying their maids and house help. MIL’s bullying their DIL’s and so on. I don’t think bullying only occurs in the western society, it’s just that it’s widely talked about and admitted to be an issue. At least they are making an effort to stop it! In Pakistan it will go on and on and it is totally fine by the people who live there. I don’t even think bullying has ever been discussed in schools or in homes there and that’s why kids think it’s totally fine to be treated like crap by their own parents … that’s how it’s always been and we’ll thank them when we grow up and treat our own kids the same … :rolleyes:

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I think both of you have a point, WendyDarling and rabia3983, these are parts of of the reasons this issue seems to be becoming worse.

No matter if the parents are together or not, the child should learn to respect other people and never harrass them. Yet, I also know some cases where the parents do try to teach their child, but the child doesn't listen at all and continues with his terrible behaviour (a Turkish child, but I also used to know Pakistani familie friends who had children like that), sometimes a parent can't help it. In most cases however, the adults and/or teachers don't teach a child proper behaviour and respect for others.

I must say though, when I visited Pakistan in 2000, only Islamabad, Rawal Pindi and Kotli (A.K.), most children there were more often better behaved and respectful towards adults and other children than the ones in the Netherlands.

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THIS!!! Khatoo just said it so much more eloquently than I could.

You are a product of your environment but that is not you entirely. As an adult, you can work on you being a better person. An abuser doesn't have to turn into an abuser and I Agree with Wendy that by treating children or maids or anyone employed by you with anything that is less than respect, you are validating that everyone has his or her place and it is okay to talk down or push them around. People are just judgier now as a whole including myself. And just reading all of this, I need so much work on me as well. I do make a point though to not discuss people in front of my kids.

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I guess i really don't have much experience in this situation and my opinion is really based on what i have read and seen on TV and news. So your hands on experience are more of a lesson for me :) And reading from your experience i can see how it is different.

What i was saying is kind of the same, not having a stable house hold (parents fighting, arguing, MIL and DIL fighting and calling each other names--unstable situations). In the example where i said not having or knowing your parents i was referring to single mother who really don't have time to teach their children the good and the bad (not generalizing and not saying all single mothers do this, just some either because their first priorities are not their kids or because they are too busy with work.)

Also, what i experienced while in school in Pakistan (20 years ago,) was completely different and there was no bullying in the playgrounds or the classrooms. A little teasing here and there is normal, but not the bullying that’s causing kids to commit suicide.