Sometime it’s done intentionally to hurt the other person. Other times, it is not done out of spite, but rather because the person hasn’t exactly moved on from the mistake and became overwhelmed with angry feelings…and dredged up past mistakes.
I would suggest that you talk to wife DC. Don’t tell yourself that you will discuss this issue with your wife the next time she has an angry outburst and mentions your sister’s pen set. It won’t work, in my opinion. Because when people are angry, they tend to be defensive, and even if what you’re saying makes sense, they may not want to acknowledge it. So, talk about this when she’s calm.
******First, tell her that you want to discuss something and that you want her to hear what you have to say and to LET YOU FINISH talking. Just tell her this issue has been bothering me for quite some time. Even though the other party is MY OWN SISTER, I still supported you because I agreed with you. Fine, she made a mistake. Some people are not that great at giving gifts. We can’t be good at everything. Who knows? Maybe her intentions for giving the gift were good. Pens are considered to be keepsakes that represent the beginning of a new chapter in life. Maybe that was her intention. But every time we have an argument, you KEEP bringing up her mistake of the pen. If you had COMPLETELY forgiven her and if you had FULLY MOVED ON, you wouldn’t feel the need to bring up the past. I’m glad that you and my sister get along well for the most part and I feel that dredging up past mistakes goes against the Islamic spirit of forgiveness. Giving gifts is encouraged in Islam, there’s no specific rule on what exactly that gift should be and how much it should cost. Gifts are given to develop love and affection. But bringing up past mistakes, when we ourselves make mistakes as well, hurts the spirit of relationships. We all make mistakes. I don’t think you’d feel comfortable if I took some mistake made by your parents/siblings and kept throwing it in your face during every argument. When we are arguing, let’s only discuss the issue related to the current argument instead of the past. And the next time the pen set is brought up (although I agree with you that it wasn’t the best gift choice)…I’m simply going to walk away instead of encourage grudges and gossip.
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*******In the future, during an argument, if your wife EVER brings up your sister and pen set…simply tell her that you will only discuss CURRENT issues....and then WALK AWAY from her. Every time she mentions your sister’s gift…just WALK AWAY. One of the reasons why she keeps mentioning the gift is because YOU are ALWAYS standing there to listen to her complain about your sister. If you simply leave…she’ll understand that you’re not going to support her in her petty complaints. Once she sees there is no support, she’ll stop.