My husband and I are very happy together, but every now and then we will have an argument (which is natural) - however, the argument doesn’t get resolved as we either end up shouting at each other and walking off, or we calmly agree to talk about it another time (we never do)… and then something will trigger us a few days later and we will be arguing about the same thing again.
We’re currently arguing AGAIN. I don’t know what to do. How to stop the cycle? I always say to him communication is key, and we should talk to solve our problems… but they don’t seem to get solved. Sometimes I can sense an argument is coming and one of us is about to explode, so I will change the subject - or he will - but then we never talk about the real issue, it just gets swept under the rug.
It’s affecting my health too - I get super stressed as I’m always thinking about could’ve should’ve would’ves, and it’s making me lose weight. Last 6 months I’ve lost loadssss of weight my family and friends are always saying to me ‘tum itni dieting kyun karti ho?’ when I’m actually not! And even when we are happy, as the issue we fight about never gets resolved, I will still be thinking about it when I’m happy, but I tend to try and ignore it because I want to savour the happiness we have.
We have been married just over a year now and it’s been quite bad - we seem to fight about EVERYTHING. We even separated for a while because the fighting was just mental. I don’t know what to do. How do I solve this? I am trying to change myself, and be more patient. I’ve learnt A LOT since we separated - we even had counselling. I’m trying to avoid argumentative topics, but sometimes things NEED to be discussed - don’t they? His problem is he NEVER wants to talk about anything, and I guess my problem is I push him to talk about things. That’s why I am trying to not push, but sometimes issues need to be addressed. I just don’t know what to do - I want to stop fighting. I feel we have tried every single avenue and I am just really tired in this relationship now. I love him so much - but it’s just so tiring fighting every few days. How can I stop the arguments?
Do these issues affect you only and not him? Why he doesn't want to talk about them and what are these issues anyway, finances, housework, relatives?
You have identified one part of the problem... i.e. You push him to talk about things.... well in another thread it was mentioned (and agreed by some) and women have the tendency to push, push and.......push their guy until he loses his temper and then....
Yes I know and I recognise that. I used to push him a lot in the beginning of our marriage, but I recognise now he sometimes needs space to think about things. But where do you draw the line between giving someone space, and someone completely avoiding an issue? Most recently we have been talking about a particularly heated topic as a decision needs to be made - I spoke to him once about it and it turned into an enormous argument, so we both left the topic for a few days. I bought it up again a few days later - I only asked him if he'd thought about it and if he had decided anything. He said no, I will let you know when I have decided.
Now since then I have been thinking about this topic literally every single day. I pray to Allah for guidance and help. I am worried. But I don't talk to him about it because I know we'll argue. It's been about 3 weeks since we last spoke on the topic - literally we have completely ignored it even though I have been worrying about it every single day. But today something happened in the car and he was screaming at the top of his lungs at me, I started crying, and then we stopped talking to each other, and haven't been talking since. The topic still hasn't been resolved, but it keeps.coming.up. I don't know what to do. If I talk to him about it, we argue. If I don't talk to him about it, I get stressed. It's a personal matter so I can't talk to anyone else about it.
It's about family - his family. Yes of course it affects him also - but I just think it's part of his personality that he doesn't like to talk about things. Or maybe I am too impatient? I don't know.
What about his family? Do u live in a joint family? Men are very very defensive about their families. Try to be more specific about the problem. However, it is very difficult to choose between wife or own family. Many men choose their families over their wives. try to accept the family as much as possible.
Reading this felt so familiar I have gone through the exact same situation I also have been married just over a year. I think if you explain what specifics you r arguing about that would help. It's sounds like it's a lot of little things that have just built up and escalated. The first year of marriage is awful you have to compromise so much and you do question the whole relationship. The screaming the shouting walking off is just so exhausting. Was it a love marriage? How long did you know each other before? What is your relationship like with your inlaws? For me I can't pin point where we started arguing it's not even over anything big. I feel the first few months were so hard and I was so naive and before I knew it screaming at each other was the norm x x
Exactly what Mysh said. Have been there as well. The first two to three years of marriage are the hardest. That is why I am not for some people having a baby right away. People take time to adjust to new living situations. You have two worlds colliding. I think seeking counseling is the right step, but you need to evaluate what isn't working and why. Life is hard..money, family, figuring each other out EVEN if you have been seeing each other for a while. Living together with another new person or more for that matter needs a lot of adjustment. If your trying already then I am sure you guys will be okay. Egos and pride need to be left at the door, no way around it.
Relationships are not a science, hence, not every problem has a solution. Some things need to be just left alone, and you move on and focus on the better things in your mutual life. The constant need to find a resolution to each and every issue can become an issue in itself.
Thanks everyone for all your replies. I actually just found out I'm pregnant today :D:D:D but we are still fighting so I don't want to tell him until we're okay. I'm trying to fix things with him now but he is still in a mood. I am dying to tell him agghhh!
My husband and I are very happy together, but every now and then we will have an argument (which is natural) - however, the argument doesn't get resolved as we either end up shouting at each other and walking off, or we calmly agree to talk about it another time (we never do)... and then something will trigger us a few days later and we will be arguing about the same thing again.
We're currently arguing AGAIN. I don't know what to do. How to stop the cycle? I always say to him communication is key, and we should talk to solve our problems.... but they don't seem to get solved. Sometimes I can sense an argument is coming and one of us is about to explode, so I will change the subject - or he will - but then we never talk about the real issue, it just gets swept under the rug.
It's affecting my health too - I get super stressed as I'm always thinking about could've should've would'ves, and it's making me lose weight. Last 6 months I've lost loadssss of weight my family and friends are always saying to me 'tum itni dieting kyun karti ho?' when I'm actually not! And even when we are happy, as the issue we fight about never gets resolved, I will still be thinking about it when I'm happy, but I tend to try and ignore it because I want to savour the happiness we have.
We have been married just over a year now and it's been quite bad - we seem to fight about EVERYTHING. We even separated for a while because the fighting was just mental. I don't know what to do. How do I solve this? I am trying to change myself, and be more patient. I've learnt A LOT since we separated - we even had counselling. I'm trying to avoid argumentative topics, but sometimes things NEED to be discussed - don't they? His problem is he NEVER wants to talk about anything, and I guess my problem is I push him to talk about things. That's why I am trying to not push, but sometimes issues need to be addressed. I just don't know what to do - I want to stop fighting. I feel we have tried every single avenue and I am just really tired in this relationship now. I love him so much - but it's just so tiring fighting every few days. How can I stop the arguments?
Within 12 months you've argued to a point you've temporarily separated and reconciled and the rest listed above about excessive weight-loss etc.; how then can you say you're generally happy about your relationship? Which part exactly makes you feel that and please don't pass off these types of arguments as natural.
Thanks everyone for all your replies. I actually just found out I'm pregnant today :D:D:D but we are still fighting so I don't want to tell him until we're okay. I'm trying to fix things with him now but he is still in a mood. I am dying to tell him agghhh!
dear I would suggest u should inform ur husband immediately, i almost passed the same situation n ended up spending since last one year at my mom n still no solution. we have a 5 months baby doll n my hubby still didnt came to see her :'( so plz stop arguing n depressing urself, just focus on making ur husband happy if u think u can't live wd out him. Hope best for u dear.
What about his family? Do u live in a joint family?
We live with his younger brother - his parents are in Pak but they come here every year for the Summer.
What is your relationship like with your inlaws?
They are very set in their ways and always trying to enforce their 'terikay' on me. I try to accomodate them as I know change is necessary in a marriage, but they place a lot of pressure on me to live up to their expectations so I always find it hard when they come over. And they have a presence in our home even when they're not here, as they ring 3-4 times a day minimum to find out what's going on and will tell me what to cook that day etc, the actual fight we had this time is about his parents interfering and making decisions about our living situation - my husband made a decision based on what his father said without even consulting me. And he didn't even tell me about it until I asked him what's going on - and we ended up having a fight and he told me in the fight! :(
Within 12 months you've argued to a point you've temporarily separated and reconciled and the rest listed above about excessive weight-loss etc.; how then can you say you're generally happy about your relationship? Which part exactly makes you feel that and please don't pass off these types of arguments as natural.
I mean to say arguments are natural in any relationship - the way we deal with them is not that's what I need help with. And yes we are very happy when we're not arguing - we are very much in love and always surprising each other with small gifts, days out etc. It's just the arguments are exhausting and too much.
dear I would suggest u should inform ur husband immediately, i almost passed the same situation n ended up spending since last one year at my mom n still no solution.
Yes I did tell him and we're both over the moon. We're so happy right now that the argument has faded into the background. But as we haven't resolved the issue I know it's gonna come up again sometime in the future :(
Congratulations The upcoming baby is a good reason to emphasize the importance of resolving conflicts civilly. It seems you are the one that tends to bring up matters, maybe even ones that he won’t budge on and that you won’t win. That said decide which matters are worth pursuing. Those that aren’t…don’t bring them up. You’ve told him communication is essential, but that’s vague. Maybe you both need to be more specific about what triggers (words/actions) you both should avoid while discussing a problem…and then make a mutual effort to avoid them.
You have remained vague by saying that the issue involves his family and your living arrangement. So, it seems it is either about his parents moving in with you permanently at a later point or it’s about things like his mom telling you what salan to cook, etc. If it’s the latter…and if your husband has no problems with your cooking/cleaning…then avoid complaining to him about his mom. She doesn’t live with you and if he is not bothered by the way you’re managing the home, then is it worth venting/discussing? If the issue is about his parents moving in with you guys…then all the venting you do until that point may work against you later on. Sometimes, silence can allow the other person to both see and realize your pov more clearly than complaining. If he’s taken a decision without consulting you, maybe try going with the flow and seeing how it goes. If you both see the decision is not working…then you can try to bring it up again and maybe at that point he will agree. So, sometimes allow trial-and-error instead of pre-discussing every matter. Just a thought.
The upcoming baby is a good reason to emphasize the importance of resolving conflicts civilly. It seems you are the one that tends to bring up matters, maybe even ones that he won’t budge on and that you won’t win. That said decide which matters are worth pursuing. Those that aren’t…don’t bring them up. You’ve told him communication is essential, but that’s vague. Maybe you both need to be more specific about what triggers (words/actions) you both should avoid while discussing a problem…and then make a mutual effort to avoid them.