No jokes, i’m serious, read this…
Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly
into the use of bread:
-
More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
-
Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests. -
In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in
childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
influenza ravaged whole nations. -
More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
24 hours of eating bread. -
Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that
in one month! -
Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and
osteoporosis. -
Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as
little as two days. -
Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to
“harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
cold cuts. -
Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body
is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could
lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. -
Newborn babies can choke on bread.
-
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one
minute. -
Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions:
-
No sale of bread to minors.
-
A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete with
celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. -
A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread. -
No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. -
The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.