A duck walks into a convenient store and walks up the counter. The duck asks, “Got any grapes?” “No,” said the puzzled store clerk. The duck smiles and walks out the door. A little while later the duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?” The clerk replies, “No! Like I already told you 15 minutes ago, I don’t have any grapes!” The duck smiles and walks out. A little while later the duck returns and again asks “Got any grapes?” The irate clerk yells, “No! We didn’t have any, we don’t have any, and were not going to have any. If you come back in here again I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!” The duck smiles and walks out. Later the duck returns and asks the clerk “Got any nails?” The clerk says “NO!” The duck replies, “Good! Got any grapes?”
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A BlueJay applied for the receptionists job at the new AT&T headquarters. The interviewer, a bit non-plussed, told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to type at least 80 words per minute. The Jay demonstrated a 100 wpm talent! Not wanting to hire a BIRD for the job, the interviewer told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to take dictation. The Jay surpassed all other candidates. Finally the interviewer thought he’d be able to get rid of the Jay with “the candidate must be bilingual!” The Jay replied “Meow!!”
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Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chickens foot.
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I took my bird to the vet because he was sick. The vet said I have bad news and good news. The bird has chirpees,the good news is that it is tweetable!
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“Little birdie in the sky, why you do that in my eye? That’s okay, I wont cry, I’m just glad that cows don’t fly”. A POEM – from Debi, 10/29/96
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Question: What does a 1,000 lb. canary say? Answer: Here kitty, kitty, kitty!
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One fine day a chicken walked into a library and said BUCK (book), so the librarian gave the chicken a book. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK, so the librarian gave him two books. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK BUCK, so again the librarian gave him three books, but this time the librarian decided to follow him to see what a chicken wanted with three books. As he saw the chicken come to a stop at the edge of a pond, he saw the chicken pass all the books to a frog who while he was looking at them was saying, REDDIT,REDDIT, REDDIT
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Magician performing on cruise ship and each night while performing his pet parrot keeps saying “its up his sleeve” " its in his pocket". “its in his shoe”. “in his pants” etc and the magician was loosing his patience. one night while performing his tricks the ships boilers blew and the ship sank, the lucky magician was able to grab onto a ships table and float on the sea for a few days. the parrot in the mean time seemed no plussed and was looking quizically at the magician for a few days whilst drifting . and on the 4th day the parrots looks at his master and says “I give up… what did you do with the ship?”
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This guy in a station wagon is riding down the road with the back full of penguins. A cop sees him and pulls him over and says,“I want you to take those penguins to the zoo right now!” The guy says, “O.K.” Next day the cop sees this same guy going down the road with the penguins in the back. This time the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over again and says,“I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.” The guy answers, “Yeah, that’s right, we went and had a helluva time. We’re going to the beach today!”
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A mother bird, a daddy bird and their baby bird were getting ready to migrate. The mother bird said, “My instincts tell me to go north.” The daddy bird said, “My instincts tell me to go south.” The baby bird said,“My end stinks too, but it doesn’t tell me where to go!”
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Once apon a time there was a swallow and a duck.The swallow’s name was Shut-up. The duck’s name was Trouble. One day Trouble and Shut-up went to the park to play hide-and-go-seek. Trouble was hiding. Shut-up looked everywhere for Trouble but couldn’t find him. Then it started to get dark, but Shut-up kept looking for Trouble with no luck. Shut-up was still searching when he bumped into a park ranger, who happened to be a cardinal. The park ranger said, “What’s your name kid?” Shut-up answered, “Shut-up.” The park ranger repeated his question, raising his voice a tad, and, much to his dismay, he received the same response, “Shut-up.” The park ranger became angy and asked the swallow if he was looking for trouble. Shut-up quickly replied, “Yeah! Can you help me find him?”
Question: Why do humming birds hum? Answer: Because they don’t know the words. – from Carl Mowery, 9/2/96