Best Of Shahana

P_G · May 12, 2006, 4:34pm

Re: Best Of Shahana

[QUOTE]
Tha boht taiz nasha deeda sehbayi ka
Ham ko chaska tha magr bada-o-pemayi ka
Bhar gaye zakhm to nakhun say kureda hay inhain
Lutf paya woh teray dast-e-masihayi ka
Raat din jiskay tasawur mein raha kartay hain
Mujh ko bhoola nahi alam woh pazeerayi ka
Kis tarha bhool geya jazb-o-qareen ka alam
Raaz ki baat ka naaz ka hosla afzayi ka
Jis tarha phool say khushbo ko howa karta hai
Mera tujh sai hai wohi nata shanasayi ka
Baat sada thi boht waqt laga kehnay mein
Tujh ko tha khabt boht hashiya aarayi ka
[/QUOTE]
.

oh shana ... really awesom poetry ,,

[QUOTE]
Bhar gaye zakhm to nakhun say kureda hay inhain
Lutf paya woh teray dast-e-masihayi ka

[/QUOTE]

very true
baz shair haqeeqat say bohat qareeb lagtay hain jaisai key yeh wala

app punjabi main zyada shaire kertee hain ..is ki koi khas wajha ?

Zamil · May 12, 2006, 10:09pm

Re: Best Of Shahana

Assalaam o Alaikum Shahana Jee...!
Aap ki shaairi parrhi, bohat lutf aaya......ZABARDAST...!

Mujhe aapki jo jo poetry achi lagi wo main quote kar raha hoon or us mein mujhe jahan jahan garrbarr ka ehsaas hua usko mention kar raha hoon...
So here it is...:

**Oppar waali ghazal mein jo istalaah aap ne istemaal ki hai us ko aap ne "wow" se jorr kar murakkab bana dia hai which is wrong. Ye istalaah asal mein yoon hai : "Baada Paimaai"*

Ye ghazal, is ki radeef (pyasa), bohattt hi zabardast hain....
Main ne ab tak GS pe jitne bhi logon ki ghazlein parrhi hain ye ghazal un sab mein zabardast hai...I mean it.
Jis misre pe (*) ka nishaan lagaaya hai wo wazan se hatt gaya hai, u should consider it again and fix it.
Aakhri she'r jis pe (#) ka nishaan lagaaya hai, us mein aap ne "meri zeest" k liye "woh" ka istemaal kia hai which is not correct,
it shoul be "yeh" not "woh".
*Similarly, second misre mein "is taraf" k liye "gaya" istemaal nahi ho sakta. I m just mentioning, not suggesting. *

The above quoted portion of the nazm is the best and which I like the most...

The above quoted nazm is in excellent flow....aur behtareen mazmoon or andaaz-e-bayaaN liye huey hai.
Ye nazm bohat zabardast tareeqe se chal rahi thi, until the last verse arrived...
Aakhri she'r se pehle jo condition bayaan ki ja rahi thi wo present tense mein thi. Aakhri she'r mein jo condition bayaan ki gaee hai wo bhi present tense mein hai. JAB K aakhri she'r mein jo condition bayaan ki gaee hai wo opposite hai us condition k jo aakhri she'r se pehle thi.

Ek hi waqt mein do mutazaad baaton ka waqoo-pazeer hona kaise mumkin hai? Udhar aap ne likha:
abhi barpa hia dil maiN hangama
abhi aa'raz bhi haiN zara num num

Or agley hi she'r mein kaha:
zindghi maiN zara jhamailaY haiN

yaad atey ho ab zaRa kam kam

Shahana · May 13, 2006, 1:22am

Re: Best Of Shahana

welcome Zamil.Iliked the way you discussed my poetry,
I really want that someone point out those weak points in my poetry. Thats why I joined GS. I have searched a lot of sites for Urdu poetry but I found GS best for this purpose. Congrats Amal and NJ.

Ab main tumhari udhair bunt ki taraf aati hoon. * no. 1, yeh verse meray liye kafi arsay say qata bureed ka ba'is bani howi hai. Main nay yeh lafz Khurram (my Hubby) say bhi discuss kiya tha. Main yahan par Badiy-a-pemayi likhna chahti thi. He said keh yeh lafz hi nahi hota. Lafz hota hai Bada aur Pemana. Agar koi saqam mehsoos nahi hota to Bada Pemayi theek hai?

Doosara *, Yeh nazam 1977 ki hai. I was student then. Yeh meri shayad teesari chothi nazam hogi.
Yeh sab naqsh hasil hain awargi kay
Nigahain hain banjar to chehra bhi peyasa

Meri zeest ik bay namu nakhl goya
Geya us taraf abar para bhi peyasa

Is it correct now? Jo feel kartay ho likho. Kanjoosi nahi chalay gi.

I have written the last ghazal two months back, in March. Abhi is ki nok palak sunwarti rahay gi. Mujhay zara sochnay do.

Boht boht shukriya itna deep analysis karnay ka.
**
Problem Girl*: Thanks for the comments. Punjabi meri madri zaban hai. tum janti ho na kh jazba kisi zaban ka mohtaj nahi hota.kabi soch kar nahi likha .aamad hi hoti hai .U will soon watch my english urdu mix poems.
*
Zamil **agar kahin or garbar lagay to zaroor phir point out karo...........thanks again all of you.

AQ · May 13, 2006, 3:44am

Re: Best Of Shahana

itni jaldi kissi kaY baaraY maiN raaye Qaaim naheeN karni chaahiye...Insaan ko koshish karni chaaiye kaY aisaY lafz naheeN likhY jinn ko ba'ad maiN miTaanaa paRaY, warnaa alfaaz naaraaz ho jaataY haiN... aap jitnaY arsaY saY likh rahi haiN meri apni umer bamushkil utni ho gee... Lehaazaa aap kee aur meri shaairee maiN zameen aasmaan kaa farQ honaa laazmi am'r hai....

I'll get back to the next one later but first I want to point out what ZAMIL said.... you used the word, Baada-O-pemaai .. I agree with Zamil that this is an incorrect but what Zamil said is also incorrect in my understanding...

this is a compund word came from the Faarsi (persian) tarkeeb... It should read as "baada-e-pemaai" ... I may be wrong but that's what I know...

AQ · May 13, 2006, 3:47am

Re: Best Of Shahana

correct me if I am wrong.. is this poem about "SUN"??? sorry, i do not speak punjabi and uderstand it only a little bit.... also what does the bold part mean?

Shahana · May 13, 2006, 6:01am

Re: Best Of Shahana

NO1 .I think I didnot say any thing which make me to say sorry,but if you are hurt by any(word)…sorry Anwaar.maiN tumhara hosla bard hana chahti thi ta keh tum khul kar likho.meiN ne tumheiN personly disscus nahi kia tumhari poetry per behas ki thi. does it mean U.?shairy kartay ho to shairana mizaj bhi samjho betay.

Btw betay, ham sab yahan apni takhleeqat aik doosaray say share karnay aur agar un mein koi saqm ho to uski islah karwanay aatay hain. Agar tumhain koi aisi baat mehsoos hoti hai to bila tamul keh diya karo. Is mein umer ki koi qaid nahi. Insan tamam umr seekhta hi rehta hai. Baaz auqat bachoun say bhi seekh leta hai.

**jehrda (Which) mardi (tiny) jayi (like) jeewan (life) di (of) lao (flame) noo (to)
Which will put off the weak flame of life.

Kho (snatch) laway (take) ga (will) hasda (laughing) hasda (laughing).

**Din kay ujalay ko hansnay say tashbih di hai. Yes you are right, it means the day, the sun.

Baada aik Persian lafz hai. Iska matlab to wine hai. Pemana kay liye pemayi lafz theek hai ya nahi? Pemayi ka matlab to napna hota hai. Aur pemanay ko bhi napna kehtay hain. Is lafz ki agar poori gardaan ho to woh dikha do. Main yahan pending position mein hoon. Agar tum kaho to tamam Punjabi nazmoun ka tarjumah kar doun?

Boht shukriya tumharay tajziye ka.

Zamil · May 13, 2006, 11:56am

Re: Best Of Shahana

*Meri zeest ik bay namu nakhl goya

Geya us taraf abar para bhi peyasa*

Main clearly keh nahi saka, pehla misra ab theek hai par u know na k pehle misre ka ta'alluq doosre misre se hota hai,
as u r with ur life so "Gaya us taraf....." is not correct.
It should be "Aaya is taraf..."
Now manage it in the verse...according to the wazan.
----------------
Baada = Sharaab
Paimaana = Jaam (or any measuring device)
Paimaa = (Laahqa) Masdar Paimudan ka seegha-e-amar jo ism k baad aa kar ism-faa'il-tarkeebi bana deta hai aur naapne waale k maa'ni deta hai, e.g. Haraarat Paima, Baarish Paima,...

Paima jab kisi ism k baad aaye ga tab hi paimaane k maani de sake ga warna nahi. So baada o paimaana theek hai lekin baada o paima theek nahi. It should be baada paima.
Aap khud bataayen, kya aap ne kabhi Koh o Paima suna hai ?
As, it is Koh Paima. Similarly, Koh Paimaai, Baada Paimaai.....
---------------------
AND for Sir Anwar Qureshi...
Baada-e-Paimaai means paimaai ki sharaab...which is meaning-less.

Shahana · May 15, 2006, 10:41am

Re: Best Of Shahana

Thanks **Zamil **I think that i am not handling these two nouns accordingly, agar misray maiN saqam hai to main dabard gusaird nahi kar sakti ,i am going to drop it.

Shahana · May 16, 2006, 3:55am

Re: Best Of Shahana

let us discuss it again,pemaaie choN kh pema ki mafooli halat hai, or is ka mashtaq pemaaeesh hota hai jo kh shair ke matlab ki requirment poori nahi karta. mian ne is tarkeeb ko reeaaite lafzi ke tor per use kia tha.jesa kh hm aik song main suna karte hain..........main ne manzil ko tlasha ....................yahan poet ne talash ka wazan poora karne ke liay talash ko tlsha bana dia .koi bola, but we enjoyed it as itwas something new, baat samajh main aa rahi hai na.
achha ab atey hain is shair ki taraf.....geya os taraf abar para bhi piasa ......agar yahan aaya likhon to wazan main suqam atta hai.jab hamara imagination work kar raha hota hai to lafaz ko qabool kar lana chahiay............................to be contued.

Shahana · May 16, 2006, 7:02am

Re: Best Of Shahana

*Zamil * tum ne jis ghri nazar se mere poetry ko pardha hai Iam realy grateful to you.#no 22. main ap ne mery tawaja jis taraf dilaee hai main ouse apriciate karti hoon.magar gazal kahar mazmoon faraq nahi hota kia. ap qitaat main aik hi mosam k paband hote hain.gazal main radeef or qafia ki pabandi kaziyada khyal rakhna parta hai.perhapes im notgoing to follow u .wil u plz explain it again.

Zamil · May 18, 2006, 4:01pm

Re: Best Of Shahana

**ooopsss…:halo: **
u r right Shahana g, choon-k us ghazal k 5 mein se pehle chaar ash’aar mein ek hi mazmoon bayaan hua hai to mera dheyaan qaafiye ki taraf gaya hi nahi or main usey nazm samjha tha, tabhi wo aitraaz uthaaya tha. Aap k kehne pe ghor kia hai ab…wo to ghazal hai so its oK now, ghazal ka to har she’r ek doosre ka mutazaad mazmoon liye huey ho sakta hai.

Zamil · May 18, 2006, 4:14pm

Re: Best Of Shahana

Shahana:

let us discuss it again,pemaaie choN kh pema ki mafooli halat hai, or is ka mashtaq pemaaeesh hota hai jo kh shair ke matlab ki requirment poori nahi karta. mian ne is tarkeeb ko reeaaite lafzi ke tor per use kia tha.jesa kh hm aik song main suna karte hain..........main ne manzil ko tlasha ....................yahan poet ne talash ka wazan poora karne ke liay talash ko tlsha bana dia .koi bola, but we enjoyed it as itwas something new, baat samajh main aa rahi hai na. achha ab atey hain is shair ki taraf.....geya os taraf abar para bhi piasa ......agar yahan aaya likhon to wazan main suqam atta hai.jab hamara imagination work kar raha hota hai to lafaz ko qabool kar lana chahiay............................to be contued.

Shahana jee, gaanon ki to baat hi na karein, agar urdu poetry k rules par in gaanon ki shaairy ko parkha jaaye to hazaaron ghalatiyaan nikalti hain, so urdu poetry ko kisi gaane se compare karna bilkul sahi nahi hoga.

Or baat rahi imagination ki or matlab samajh mein aane ki to matlab to ek goonga shakhs bhi apne ishaaron se samjha leta hai, or is baat ki roshni mein to be-chaare chaha Ghaalib ka saara kalaam hi bogas saabit ho jaata hia k un k ash'aar k matlab samajhna barra mushkil hota hai. Maqsad sirf baat samjhaana nahi hota,,, bal-k she'r ka structure or usko baandhne k tareeqe bhi baraabar ki haisiyat rakhte hain.
Hope i've cleared my point. (plz no offence)

Shahana · May 20, 2006, 6:21am

Re: Best Of Shahana

Shukriya Zamil. Tumhara mushahida aur malomaat qabil-e tareef hain. Are you student of Urdu litereture?

Zamil · May 20, 2006, 9:31am

Re: Best Of Shahana

**Shukria Shahana jee ! **
Kaash k hota student Urdu lit ka…:halo: lekin nahi hoon…
I m doing B.E. Electronics.

OMG · May 30, 2006, 9:44am

Re: Best Of Shahana

WOW. Well done Mom. Aap say mein keya poochon. Main shair tu nahi..

ullujii · June 10, 2006, 8:23pm

Re: Best Of Shahana

really beautyfull.....! i like your punjabi poetry... plz punjabi main kuch aur be kahin na :)

sunny_nicky · June 26, 2006, 10:07pm

Re: Best Of Shahana

niceeeeeeeeeeee and koolll i like ur punjbaiii poetry koi new market main post karai aap ki meher bani hogee zamill gee tu hai he great un ka jitna kiya jae kam hai ok c u later