I am deeply troubled by an email my best friend sent me, and thus, cannot sleep. We have been close friends for 5 years and met on the first day of university. She still tells people that I flashed her a big grin, and thats how we became friends, whereas I insist that it was just a small smile to get us chatting. Weve been like two peas in a pod, quite inseperable although we do have some differences. Her family has also been extremely nice to me over the years, especially when I was living away from home. She has her flaws, like anybody else but I chose to overlook them. One of them is pride, too much of it, and although a very friendly person, doesnt forgive and forget very easily and has broken many ties and friendships if she feels someone has let her down. Somehow, I never managed to piss her off and if ever we had an argument, I would just give in and never wanted to fight, lest our friendship was affected. However, over the years I made many new friends who became like family to me. She also became friends with them, while she doesnt approve of others. So in a way I guess, although her friendship was important to me, I had other people who cared about me and who I was very close to. In many ways I find it easier to talk to my other friends and I feel they are there for me no matter what and no matter when, this distanced me from her somewhat. I often felt she was slightly self-centered. And she also has many issues, sure we all have problems but I was feeling overloaded with her constant complaining about the same things for 5 years in a row.
We always used to talk about how we should go on holiday together and how we should do what together. However, I think she was less independent than I am. Because I was her only true, close friend at the time, she probably relied and valued on the friendship a lot more. I valued her friendship, but I also valued my other friends and was more independent, like Im perfectly happy being on my own as well. In many ways I felt I had moved on and she hadnt. When I got offered the Japan scholarship, her reaction was strange. She never outrightly said how she felt, but would say things about Japan that were meant to put me off. At the airport she cried, whereas I didnt feel any sadness, I just thought to myself, get a hold of yourself girl, Im just going for a year, its not like we dont have the internet to keep in touch.
When I got to Japan, I sent all my friends mass emails initially, because I was busy settling in and didnt have much time to email everyone individually. Those who replied, I emailed back and kept constant touch with them. however, she never replied to those emails and told everyone she was extremely pissed off with me for not having written. I was upset with her for not having written. But eventually, since I can forego some of my pride, I emailed her, and got a reply after a long time. She doesnt email often, and I do email her, however I keep in touch more with other friends who constantly want to know how I am and what Im doing. She complained that my emails were arbitrary accounts of what I was doing, but excuse me if Im wrong, if shes my best friend, surely im allowed to tell her what Im doing? its like she didnt want to hear how my life was getting on. She says I emailed her because I felt obliged.
I can say its partly my fault, because I was upset with her initially for not emailing and on occassion when i was lonely and wanted to get in touch with my friends I called them up. now I know that they are there for me no matter what and they were always extremely happy to hear from me. now she found out that I called them and shes veeeeryyyy upset. Shes right though, she said weve been friends for a lot longer and why would I call my other friend on more than one occassion and not bother calling her? I feel awful about this, but I really felt that it got to a point that she didnt care and she wouldnt be able to lend a sympathetic ear. In her email she also said that she never understood my decision to go and felt that I had outgrown her in many ways. I often wanted to scream and say, look Im not your boyfriend, get a hold of yourself and get a move on!
I just feel so awful. I cant reply to her email. What should I do? Im partly to blame but I know she can be extremely irrational due to her highly sensitive nature. Maybe shes better off not having me as a friend. I dont want to lose her friendship, weve been like sisters and the past years and our experiences together mean too much to me.
