This thread is about one of my closest friends. Today she asked me for advice:
“I think something is wrong with me.. I never feel happy or content or satisfied with any given situation. I am always finding things wrong and stressing myself out. What do I do?”
Before she brought it up, I have also noticed this attitude in her. You know how some people, when in despair, will look at others who are less fortunate and this helps them keep things in perspective? Well, with my friend, when she is in a good place, she will look at those who (in her eyes) have it way better than her, and this will cause her agony.
I’m generally there for her and give her situation-specific advice. But if she still feels this way, then perhaps whatever I’ve said isn’t doing her much good.
What would you advise?
Some background: She always wanted to be married by 25 (in her family, that’s the norm), but it’s been difficult finding the perfect guy. She is very pretty and accomplished, and perhaps that has made her too picky. She liked one guy she was introduced to by a mutual family friend, but he rejected her in the end. He recently got engaged and she is hurting because he is the only one who matched all her criteria.
She is in talks with a guy who has a good family, good career, average looks, but in comparison to the previous guy, this one lacks in certain areas. And she would have to move if she gets married to this guy. Her career might take a temporary hit as well.
Other than this, she is extremely ambitious in career. She recently switched jobs and took on a more senior role. She was offered the salary package she asked for. But she is still complaining that it isn’t enough and she misses some of the perks of her old job.
I totally disagree with the common advice of finding comfort by looking at the people who have less than what you have. You will never excel in life if you keep that approach. I always feel grateful for what I have, but I never feel content (as in satisfied). I always look up to someone who has what I want and remind myself that God may not have given me the same opportunities, but he has given me the same abilities, so I can have what they have if I work towards that.
This is tried and tested and I am talking with experience, I had the same attitude towards life and because of this i caused enough grief to myself and ppl who cared for me, now I finally found a solution to happiness and that is namaz, I am not totally religious, I still watch movies and listen to songs and chill with friends but I pray 5 times a day and I thank Allah for everything that comes my way, that does not mean I have stopped working towards my goals or I dont have any ambition but now things in my head are much calmer and I dont feel that pinch how others are better then me.
so in summary the nuska for happiness is :
Pray to Allah - 5 times a day (even if it is only Farz)
Allah ka shukar ada karo
aur lagey raho zindagi kee jad o jehed mein
For one of the above comment, I've to say that my late grandfather was the director of his company but lived on the same theory and same he taught to his sons and now one of my uncle is CA but still follows the same approach so does it mean they didn't work hard or you don't have to work hard towards your goals.
Jaise 'Paanchon unglyan kabhi barabar nahin ho sakti' same way all humans can be same doesn't matter how hard they try to get what others have. Don't you see many people even after having everything in life don't get satisfy and keep striving and makes their life miserable because money and status can't always keeps a person happy. It's all about deen and dunya aur jitna paison k peeche bhago ge paisa itna duur bhage ga. It's a materialistic world my friend and as soon as anybody realizes it, much better for him.
I totally disagree with the common advice of finding comfort by looking at the people who have less than what you have. You will never excel in life if you keep that approach. I always feel grateful for what I have, but I never feel content (as in satisfied). I always look up to someone who has what I want and remind myself that God may not have given me the same opportunities, but he has given me the same abilities, so I can have what they have if I work towards that.
It's all in the attitude.
You *never *feel content? Boy, that must be some state of mind!
Chalen, you can maybe apply this go-getter theory to career, but what about things where ability has less of a role to play than qismat? Like finding a qualified rishta who also chooses you? This guy is interested in her but going by her attitude, she might ruin this in hopes of finding an even better match. So what happens when she is past her expiry date and good rishtas stop coming?
(not saying she should settle with the next proposal that comes along; just questioning her attitude with the current proposal, whether it is fair to compare him to some previous rishta that didn't work out)
^ That's the common problem with girls before or after marriage that they don't stop comparing their spouses with others and makes trouble for everybody.
This is tried and tested and I am talking with experience, I had the same attitude towards life and because of this i caused enough grief to myself and ppl who cared for me, now I finally found a solution to happiness and that is namaz, I am not totally religious, I still watch movies and listen to songs and chill with friends but I pray 5 times a day and I thank Allah for everything that comes my way, that does not mean I have stopped working towards my goals or I dont have any ambition but now things in my head are much calmer and I dont feel that pinch how others are better then me.
so in summary the nuska for happiness is :
Pray to Allah - 5 times a day (even if it is only Farz)
Allah ka shukar ada karo
aur lagey raho zindagi kee jad o jehed mein
Allah sab ko hidayat dey, Ameen !!
Hey,
At what point did you realize your be-sukooni and the root cause? Was there a trigger that made you want to change?
I personally cannot stand this kind of mentality and constant whining ke falaan ke pass xyz hai, mere pass kyon nahi hai. It's one thing to be inspired. It's completely another to be jealous and competitive... to want that only you should have success and not others.
Jaise 'Paanchon unglyan kabhi barabar nahin ho sakti' same way all humans can be same doesn't matter how hard they try to get what others have. Don't you see many people even after having everything in life don't get satisfy and keep striving and makes their life miserable...
You *never *feel content? Boy, that must be some state of mind!
Maybe I should've been more clear. I dont feel content where things have room of improvement and I have capability. My career, my personality, my people skills, my reltaionships my knowledge about deen and dunya are some of the examples.
The things I have no control on, I feel grateful about and try to make the best out of them. I am only 5'6" so I cant do anything about my height. Worlds economy, current weather, traffic rush hour are some of those examples.
Power of spoken words is the best tool I have in my hand when it is something related to me and I have very little control on. Finding a good rishta, finding a good job, etc are places where I will perform my best and then expect for the best results.
In your friend's situation, ask her to list the things that she has to have in her life partner. Make sure that its an honest, well thought and a short list. Then suggest to her not to compromise on that list, but be flexible about other aspects.
At what point did you realize your be-sukooni and the root cause? Was there a trigger that made you want to change?
I personally cannot stand this kind of mentality and constant whining ke falaan ke pass xyz hai, mere pass kyon nahi hai. It's one thing to be inspired. It's completely another to be jealous and competitive... to want that only you should have success and not others.
Madz yaar the kind of world we live in from day 1 we are in a race, and quiet frankly our world has gotten really materialistic, I for one of the most materialistic person I knew, I was alhamduLillah one of the few people who before even graduating from college found a job and did not have to wait around to find one, then I wanted a higher paying job, then I wanted a job that paid 6 figures, then I wanted a car, then a nicer car and the list goes on, but even after all my acheivements I was always able to find a person who was better then me and it bothered me. A year and a half ago my nani was visiting us and I am very close to her so one day after work I just went to her room and put my head on her lap, she asked me beta "MashaAllah tum kitney kaamyaab ho, sab kuch acha hai lekin mujhey tumhaaree aankh mein ek maayoosi see dikhtee hai, tum khush nahi ho" and her first question was if everything was fine with my wife and I said " Nahi Ammi, mein itney dinon sey Allah sey dua kar raha hoon key mujhay XYZ company mein job dilaa dey lekin woh meree sunta hee nahi" and that time she said "Na shukray pann kee baatein mat kiya karo, Jaao namaaz parho aur Allah ka shukar ada karo, sukoon milega" I had heard this from other people many a times but i dunno y what she said stuck in my head and I immediately went and prayed ASR, I swear I guess that namaaz changed me and here I am a year and a half later AlhamduLillah meree poori koshish hotee hai key I pray all the namaaz aur har namaaz mein Allah ka shukar. Bas yaar that day things kinda got calm in my life and mashaAllah I also achieved all my targets as well with the blessing of Allah.
Today I am content with life and about to be a father AlhamduLillah and in sha Allah I will give the same teachings to my kids as well so that they dont go through the same spiral I did and would recommend each and every momin.
she should not compare the new rishta with previous ones. no two guys a4re equal. she should make some compromise on her check-list. you can succeed in getting some of them while you have to fore go some. she should also not panic due to her age. tell her to take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the 'present' whatever it is. don't ruin it for the future over which you may have very little control.
**
tavakkalt ilallah...have faith in Allah.**
you will get what you deserve and what you are destined to. iA :) Good luck and best wishes to her. may Allah unkii muraadeN bar laaye...aameen
[28:24] He watered for them, then turned to the shade, saying, "My Lord, whatever provision You send to me, I am in dire need for it."
This is Moses asking God for provisions but note how he asks. He says whatever YOU, my Lord, see FIT to give me, I am in dire need for it. He doesn't ask for this or that, or more or less, he asks for whatever is sent to him. This is Moses' way of acknowledging that God gives to everyone in EXACT measure, no more, no less. We can whine and complain about not having enough, but at the end of the day we will get what we get, what we are MEANT to get. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we understand that it's not under our control and that stressing about it is not going help at ALL. I tell my daughter every day "you get what you get and you don't get upset", that's how we should live our lives.
As far as your friend, if a grown adult is the way you're describing your friend, in my experience, they are too old to change. They will always be "na shukra", ungrateful and unappreciative of what they DO have. There are people in this world who are just always unhappy for one reason or another, that's just how they operate. I've actually had to cut off people from my life because of that kind of attitude because their negativity starts to erode your own happiness. People like that like to suck the happiness out of everyone around them, they are like a black hole of negativity.
Your last paragraph ... no, she isn't a black hole of negativity. I agree with you, people who spread negativity are no good and need to be avoided at all costs. She is perhaps going through a quarter life crisis. She is (mA) very blessed in a lot of ways and she is fully aware of that. I think her problem is that, she expects to be treated like royalty. Rejection isn't something that she deals with very easily. She is smart and a hard worker, but perhaps a tad bit arrogant and super competitive. Now while you can be competitive at work and use it to your advantage, the same will not fare well in personal relationships. I especially don't get the need to one up the other girls in rishta hunting. I think there is no need to be jealous unnecessarily, as everything gets from their own kismet.
I do love her though and hope she learns to live happily with everything she got going for her.
she should not compare the new rishta with previous ones. no two guys a4re equal. she should make some compromise on her check-list. you can succeed in getting some of them while you have to fore go some.
Thanks for duas, KKF. It's hard not to compare proposals. Everyone does it. It's not just specific to girls. Suppose, I was previously getting rishtas of double masters/phD guys and I rejected those willingly, I'm not going to suddenly start accepting a high school or college dropout (assuming education is main criteria here). If I do, it will be a clear compromise from my end and I won't be happy, knowing in my heart what I could have had instead.
Similarly, say I was getting a great rishta in my city and it didn't work out, if I now have to move somewhere far for the next great rishta, I am entitled to be a little sad (assuming the place where I'll be moving to is a village compared to where I now live).
You're right, once you are with someone, there is no point in comparing him to anyone else from past or present. Once a commitment has been made, no second guessing or regrets from then onwards. But this is arranged marriage business and the rishtas that come, we don't know them too well on a personal level. So all we have to compare is how good someone looks on paper, what their future potential is, how life will be with this potential unknown.
Also, comparison isn't always bad. It could also mean that you are so much better than anyone else that was considered before you.
Reading all this is making me feel like all the rishta hunting has gotten too check-list specific. Like k sub check nahi hua to fail. I mean when ur younger and u say oh I'd like to get married to a guy who is such and such or whatever but practically being so particular doesn't make sense. Doesn't it narrow down everything so much that it practically makes it impossible to say yes? and then imagine if the guy is also that specific then the chances of a perfect match are even lower. And I don't know I was never taught this or it was never specifically ingrained but I just sort of generally knew that girls move all over the world after they got married. Like wherever the guy was settled she would move. And yes some moves are more difficult than others but u just did it. Like even if I was working then I would look for a job wherever he's settled and then work there. But it seems like ppl are more rigid in that now? Or is it that ppl living in US/UK Canada don't want to live anywhere else? Like they don't even want to move within these three countries?
She is in talks with a guy who has a good family, good career, average looks, but in comparison to the previous guy, this one lacks in certain areas. And she would have to move if she gets married to this guy. Her career might take a temporary hit as well.
Other than this, she isextremely ambitious in career. She recently switched jobs and took on a more senior role. She was offered the salary package she asked for. But she is still complaining that it isn't enough and she** misses some of the perks of her old job**.
If she gets married to him its very likely that she will end up resenting him or will have to consciously make an effort to feel content with him. Dont see why that is necessary.
Tbh, I dont think she's being that unreasonable as you say she is very pretty and accomplished.
Unreasonable would be this 36 year old 2nd cousin of mine settled in Canada - Alright looking in her youth, nothing spectacular about her life besides being independent and living alone. Says she wont marry unless the guy looks like John Abraham. Literally. The older they get the more obnoxiously selective they seem to become. To each their own.
I was born and brought up in the UK and never would have considered moving to the US or Europe for a guy I didn’t really like or know.. I never actually went thru the arranged rishta thing myself but I know my parents’ feelings on it (they weren’t keen on either of us moving far but at the end of the day it would be up to us)..
Also on a side note I’ve never understood that thing of girls moving to different countries without visiting first (if they can afford it).. If you’re buying all that gold and having a big fancy wedding shouldn’t the family be a bit more concerned about where the girl is going to be spending the rest of her life afterwards? Esp if she was barely allowed to spend a night away from home as a single girl.. Does it not matter where the heck she might end up as long as she’s married
Reading all this is making me feel like all the rishta hunting has gotten too check-list specific. Like k sub check nahi hua to fail. I mean when ur younger and u say oh I'd like to get married to a guy who is such and such or whatever but practically being so particular doesn't make sense. Doesn't it narrow down everything so much that it practically makes it impossible to say yes? and then imagine if the guy is also that specific then the chances of a perfect match are even lower. And I don't know I was never taught this or it was never specifically ingrained but I just sort of generally knew that girls move all over the world after they got married. Like wherever the guy was settled she would move. And yes some moves are more difficult than others but u just did it. Like even if I was working then I would look for a job wherever he's settled and then work there. But it seems like ppl are more rigid in that now? Or is it that ppl living in US/UK Canada don't want to live anywhere else? Like they don't even want to move within these three countries?
that may be your case, but that doesn't apply to every girl. not wanting to move to another country hardly makes a girl rigid or difficult.
