I know I was bullied when I was younger … and now that I’m a parent, I am afraid of having to deal with my son coming home one day being bullied.
What can you do as a parent to try and protect your child? There is only so much you can do … and you can’t control what happens on the playground.
Have any of you faced this type of situation? Meaning being a parent and how you have dealt with the situation of your child being bullied at school or by peers?
Re: Being Bullied
I am so concerned about this, esp since my eldest is in a special-needs class in a regular-ed school. I'm in a wonderful school district with extremely active PTA and SEPTA (Special Ed PTA) and they are all so supportive. The schools in our district have a program/motto called CORE - Caring for Others with Respect Everyday. They have special speakers even in the early grades that explain what its like to be handicapped. They have a "playground facilitator" to resolve issues/fighting on the playground. They have a special group of children who are chosen from the best of the best kids to be playground monitors so that kids can go to them when theres an issue on the playground without having to tell a teacher on the perps. All of these things are wonderful and helpful. YET...bullying still does happen, kids can be so mean. But schools are very sensitive to that issue these days so bring any issue to a school principal. Get as involved as you can with the PTAs in your district and raise the issue. PTA funding in our district has paid for the special playground facilitators whose goal it is that every child feels free and welcome to join in with anyone. The SEPTA funding in our district hired and paid for the program to explain to the kids about living with handicaps - last year was focused on physical handicaps like blindness or deafness but this year the focus is more on educating kids about living with ADD/ADHD, autism spectrum disorders and learning delays. Ive been finding that the more involved you become, the more influence you can have on what is done to help your kids. Actually, lol, thats why I've not been here as much lately...I have 2 positions on the pta board and its very time consuming but so far very worth the efforts!
Re: Being Bullied
**i'm in Canada so i can tell u how the issue wud be handled here. i wud go N meet the principal, discuss the ways to resolve the problem, meet teh parents of the bullying kids' parents. if he [the principal] is unable or unwilling to stop this bullying, i'll go to the school board and then to the county board of education. if it is still unresolved i'll go all the way to the misnitry of education at provincial and federal levels.
if nothing is done, i wud call the police and ask them to lay charges against the kids involved and take their parents top court for failing to stop thei kids' aggressive behaviour.**
Re: Being Bullied
Excellent subject Mehnaz. Thanks for posting.
This is becoming a bigger and bigger issue with reprecussions that have now led to laying murder charges and even convictions.
Re: Being Bullied
IMO, as a big brother I teach my brothers/sisters to step up. If the kid kicks you kick him back. That's how it works in the real world. We'll handle the complaints later just do what ya gotta do. Parents need to stop being so lovey dovey around kids I think, like stop being so protective. Your kids become dependent on you and feel weak at school. IMO.
Re: Being Bullied
cricket, ack I dont think thats the best way to teach a kid. So, a kick for a kick. Then it escalates to...what? brass knuckles? knives? guns? In many schools, there is a "zero tolerance" policy for bullying and violence. The perpetrator is suspended and sent for counselling and let back in to school only once the kid is able to handle him/her self in an upstanding manner.
cricket, ack I dont think thats the best way to teach a kid. So, a kick for a kick. Then it escalates to...what? brass knuckles? knives? guns? In many schools, there is a "zero tolerance" policy for bullying and violence. The perpetrator is suspended and sent for counselling and let back in to school only once the kid is able to handle him/her self in an upstanding manner.
Yes your right but 90% of the time the bully gets away with it because the kid is too shy/scared to tell anyone. The kid becomes too scared and just keeps it inside him. What's better? Let the kid be bullied or let the kid learn how to fight back?
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I see your point...but then again I am very hopeful that I know my sons well enough to figure out when something is bothering them and that they're secure enough in their relationship with me that they'll tell me if someone is bothering them. And then we'd work out a plan and get the school involved if necessary. A Bully-free environment should be guaranteed to each and every student.
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When I was being bullied (in grade 3), I never told anybody. For various reasons. So what can we do as parents to encourage our kids to come to us if something happens?
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I think bullies are the biggest cowards, they generally go for 'easy' targets who they know will not put up much of a defense or tell on them, they get their kicks by instilling fear.
I think educating kids regarding this topic, will give them the awareness that they need, so if it happens to them, they can identify it and report it before it gets any worse. tell them how to verbally handle such a situation. they need to know there is absolutely no shame in asking for help when needed, when we talk things out with kids it gives them the confidence to handle such situations and they are not caught off-guard and scared easily.
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Sometimes, teachers can be oblivious or unable to do anything about the situation. I remember when we lived in England, this girl punched me in the stomach and my mom complained to the teacher and the teacher just shrugged her shoulders. That was that. So when stuff started happening when we moved to Canada, I didn't even bother telling anybody.
I feel like once the feeling of helplessness is instilled in a child, it is really hard to get rid of it. This feeling can cause major issues in the future.
Re: Being Bullied
^ :(
I'm pretty shocked to hear that. And very sorry too. At the very least when it's physical, it's pretty easy to know the behavior is unacceptable. The bigger issue comes the name-calling and spreading rumors, a lot of which is harder to identify. Nowadays there's more training for teachers, but in the moment it can still be confusing to know exactly what to do next. Regardless, shrugging shoulders is never good Like you said, who knows how it will affect the future.
Re: Being Bullied
i sort of agree with cricketplaya here- kids do need to be taught to stand up for themselves. there will come a point in their lives when they'll need to learn to address their own problems without having to look to their parents for resolution.
so yeah, if someone pushes you (metaphorically), you push back. you don't just take it and either keep quiet or run home to mommy and wait for her to step in- yes, sometimes you do need your parents to lend their support but everyday squabbles on the playground call for kids to react right then and there. as mamaof3 said, and as is true, kids can be really, really mean- and it can be doubly frustrating/humiliating not knowing how to react in the moment, and thats of course where parents step in and teach kids how best to respond by themselves. at the same time, of course, you maintain open communication over every incident so if it gets serious and parents/teachers do need to step in, they can.
mehnaz, it really sucks that your teacher responded the way she did. it was highly unpro of her. as a parent in this day and age, hopefully you feel more empowered now to be able to stand up to an unresponsive teacher, should, God forbid, your child be in the same position now that you were in then. i perceive more accountability now in schools and amongst teachers in all things, not just bullying, than when i was growing up. sahar, do you feel the same from a teacher's perspective?
Re: Being Bullied
^ yup. it's just not an option. but it's not usually obvious what to do.
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What do you do in situations where it is your child who is doing the bullying? I don't understand why it is ignored. Cause these kids grow up and continue to bully in their adult lives.
Re: Being Bullied
I came to Canada when there were very few "brown" people here. It was a time when the african americans and the caucasian would put aside their differences and band together to pick on the "pakis".
I lived in a terrified state as I was called names, picked on and bullied almost everyday. I remember walking home from senior kindergarten one day. Actually it was running home cuz I was being chased by a group of 5 or 6. I made it to the back door of my apartment building but didn't have a key as it was usually hanging open. With nowhere to go I had no choice but to turn around and face the music with the bullies and their mob mentality followers that had barricaded themselves behind a snowbank. The next thing I knew I was being bombarded with snowballs. They came faster and harder. I tried to return fire but there really was no way that I could have competed.
I looked up at the second floor where ammi was usually watching for me from the window. She was there.....but she couldn't do anything except yell at the attackers who were so loud in their own battle cries that they didn't hear her threats.
In that instant the door to the building swung open as someone was leaving. I screamed, "Hold the door!" and ran for it. I was in tears...leaning on the closed door behind me and panting to catch my breath. I was frozen and remember sobbing feeling so sorry for myself.
I ran up the stairs cuz there were too many people in the lobby and letting them see me in this state was just not an option.
As I reached the door to our apartment I saw ammi standing there with an angry look on her face. Looking for sympathy I cried louder and wanted to fall into her arms but before I could get close enough to her she whacked me one right across the cheek. I don't think it really hurt cuz I was pretty frozen by now anyway. LOL. If it did hurt I don't have any recollection of the pain. What I never forgot were her words, "The next time someone hits you once, you stand up to them and hit them back 10 times so they learn not to mess with you again!"
In time I have learned to temper that advice but i have not forgotten it.
Will I teach my child to do the same? Absolutely.
Will I teach her in the same way? Probably not.
Re: Being Bullied
:( wow, thats a really sad story Muzna. Heartbreaking. You know, even if you had stood your ground and tried to face them down, it was a mob you were facing. No way to win against a mob. And if you project it out to later years - like high school mobs - facing them down would likely mean a trip to the hospital at the very least.
Bullying has received international attention ever since the Columbine massacre. Laws have been passed, schools are now required to address these issues aggressively and many, many schools have that zero-tolerance policy.
My boys will never, ever respond to physical violence with more physical violence. I wont allow it, they are above that type of behavior. They are being taught to "use words, not hands" to resolve issues and these are words taught to them in school. Words...not hands. If words dont work, its being ingrained both at home and at school that sometimes you need mediation to work things out. Mediation starts with peers and if the peers cannot get issues resolved, the peers escalate to teachers. If teachers cant resolve, it goes to the principal who calls in the parents. And this is just for routine and low-level type bullying. Physical bullying results in suspension, parent meeting with principal, meeting(s) with school psychologist...and only when the psychologist gives the ok can the kid return to school.
Beleive me, bullying is taken very seriously these days. What you endured, Muzna, should have resulted in extreme consequences for the perpetrators. I'd have called the cops and pressed charges. Get the brats sent to juvenile detention for a stretch.
But teaching little kids to respond to violent brats by using more violence? Thats not the answer.
Re: Being Bullied
No not really, nowadays it's so much more serious being bullied (not that it wasn't serious before) But atleast before we just had like a little playground banter or you were perhaps picked on for wearing huge yellow sunflowers on your head. Now kids from the age of 12 have 'connections' and whatnot, long gone are the days of giving as good as you get. They pull out knives/guns or get someone older to beat you up. And seriously, telling the teacher helps...yeah they'll be excluded and not seen in the school again, but what if you're walking home from school? And they're out for revenge? School's not gonna save you in the middle of the road is it? It's really difficult to extinguish bullying, and it doesn't help if kids don't give two pennies about getting into serious amounts of trouble. I think parents are mostly at fault for their childs behaviour towards their fellow school members. Schools teach harmony/friendship/empathy and unity but there is only so much they can do, the rest of it is the parents duty to teach their child a certain amount of discipline, I personally believe discipline and manners instilled from a young age is permanently there. Yeah sometimes kids mess up but at the end of the day if they were taught it all then they do come through.
Re: Being Bullied
You are right Mamaof3, preaching violence is never a good idea. But let me explain....
When I think back on that incident I see it as a time when my mother likely did what she did out of frustration, desperation and anger at the bullies rather than at me. She was new in the country with little knowledge of the systems and methods in place to deal with such issues. Her and my father were preoccupied with financial survival and providing basic needs. Neither had the time to delve into such petty matters as kid's battles in school. The fact that I was not complaining to them because I was well aware of the bigger problems they were dealing with probably made the matter even less significant and worthy of their time.
Since that time I never faced an incident of bullying that required me to react with violence. Despite the lesson that my mother taught me, it is unlikely that I would have struck anyone even if I was struck.
What her lesson DID teach me is not to accept such behaviour from anyone. It taught me to understand that nobody has a right to lay a hand on me and, if I am without any other option, I will not be punished for defending myself and paying back to such bullies in kind.
Will I teach my daughter this? Absolutely. She will find it useful not only in school but in later years if, God forbid, she should face an abusive partner.
Will I continue to monitor her and be a hands-on parent at her school where there is a chance that she may face someone that bullies? Absolutely.
Will I reinforce the concept of working out disagreements in conversation? You betcha!
Btw.....what happens when bullies are sent to juvenile for a stretch and then they return?
Re: Being Bullied
i think what also needs to be addressed is that while physical bullying might be the method that gets the most attention being so obvious and visual, verbal bullying can also be equally as damaging. girls, especially, can be particularly vicious and this is something i'm sure most of us girls can attest to having gone through some form or level of it at one point or another. cliques are prevalent in highschool, either you belong or you don't. and if you don't, your life can be pretty hellish. so what then? how do kids cope with that kind of a situation without stooping to the same level as the bullies?
Will I teach my daughter this? Absolutely. She will find it useful not only in school but in later years if, God forbid, she should face an abusive partner. Will I continue to monitor her and be a hands-on parent at her school where there is a chance that she may face someone that bullies? Absolutely. Will I reinforce the concept of working out disagreements in conversation? You betcha!
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