How many of you chose to have a family first and then once the kids started growing up, you returned to grad school etc? Is it doable without any support from extended family? Or is it a good idea to finish studies first and then begin a family? Have any of you had a baby while in grad school?
I completed my bachelors two years ago, and really wanted to begin my masters but as I moved from Pakistan to Toronto, the visa took a while and i ended up taking gap years. I spent a year with in-laws back home, and now a year with hubby. My husband is really supportive MA and wants me to study/work and basically do whatever I want, however, there is a lot of pressure from my inlaws as well as my family to have kids now.
A few days ago, my husband told me that he wants me to start applying for my masters for Sept 2013 session, and Im really looking forward to that too. However, that was followed by ‘but I also want to let you know that if you’re ready to have a family, and you want kids, I am more than ready and willing for that too as Im 30 now and we are not getting any younger’.
That discussion basically ended up on me being the decision maker and deciding what to do. He has left it entirely on me. He told me that I do not need to come under any pressure because at the end of the day, we have to take care of the kid and not his parents or mine, or his aunts and uncles etc who keep questioning us and literally nagging us all the time. He said even though it is an equal responsibility, he would still bank on me a little more as the woman of the house is the primary care taker of the kid. I understand that if we plan a baby now, at least the first 3-5 years are a write off and only then I can continue with masters and begin a career. Is that a better option as I would immediately move on with work etc instead of taking a gap post grad school, rather than doing masters right now and then taking another gap to have a family? If I begin masters next year, the following two years are a write off which means we postpone having a family for three years…i am not too sure whether I am comfortable pushing it for so long.
Even common friends have been suggesting that since I am already on a gap from studies, I should avail this time and then in about two years get back to studies and work. This way, I would not have to take another gap. However, hubby thinks that even if we push having kids to another 3 years from now, in the long run, it does not even matter as 2-3 years here or there is ok. He said ‘I do not want you to have any regrets, and i am being selfish for you because I want you to do whatever you wanted to do’…he also said that ‘In a marriage it is usually the woman who tells the hubby that she wants a baby or is ready to plan a family, but you have never said it to me which means you are not ready now and I am ok with that too’…so..what am I supposed to say to that? I have never said it because he kept giving the impression that he was not ready for it:s But honestly, I think even I am ready for a family too…is studying and having a family possible at the same time? Keeping in mind my hubby works literally 12 hours a day and we do not really have any family support here…
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
I always dream of studying in a Uni and graduating. But the subjects I'm interested in aren't going to make me able to make any reasonable amount of money so what's the point of getting out a loan or wasting my husband's money?
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
I always dream of studying in a Uni and graduating. But the subjects I'm interested in aren't going to make me able to make any reasonable amount of money so what's the point of getting out a loan or wasting my husband's money?
Eh that's a sad way to look at it.
can you study the subjects you like on your own? without going to a uni?
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
Why can't you do both? Instead of putting off having kids, why not go to school part-time and take a manageable course-load.
You don't know how soon you'll be blessed with kids, sometimes it takes a bit longer, sometimes it happens right away. Why put off studying until after you have kids and they're old enough/in school.
If you go to school part-time and are pregnant or raising kids, with your husband's help (and a lot of hard work), you could complete a 2-year masters in 4 years or less. Nothing that's worth it comes easy, but there are ways for accomplishing what you want, you just have to look for options and be willing to work for it.
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
^ This. A friend’s mom had him (first born) while she was doing her masters and a woman I worked with during one of my internships also had her first born while she was doing her masters. I think both of them had family who helped out but as mentioned above, you could always do a part time masters.
I only have a bachelor’s degree but my program is very new and unorthodox, so all of our 4th year courses were actually masters level. We had masters students in our classes and, while we had to write midterms and exams, all they had to do was submit one report, and the rest of the class was simply for their benefit. Most of the masters students only had 1-2 classes per semester, and labs are open until late at night so you probably have a great deal of flexibility. I would apply and talk to the professor of you choice. Since masters students actually generate revenue for the university (via publishing research) you’ll be surprised at how accommodating they can be. :halo:
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
I always dream of studying in a Uni and graduating. **But the subjects I'm interested in **aren't going to make me able to make any reasonable amount of money so what's the point of getting out a loan or wasting my husband's money?
There's A Song of Ice and Fire degree available for study? Interesting...
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
i have a 2.5 month old, i am going to school part, am back at work today (part time). it is hard, you have toorganize yourself otherwise you will be a mess. dont try to be a super women, take advantage of all the support system that is around you.
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
I waited to marry ans start a family until I was completely done with my schooling etc... but majority of the folks I studied with did have families while training full time. So it is doable ... just takes a lot of planning and support of your spouse (not just verbal)
I have a 14 month now and work full time and that too is doable but tiring .... looking back though ... i don't think I would have been able to devote time to studying if I had a child as a student ...
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
It is completely doable as long as you have somebody to help you look after the baby when it is born. I have 3 scenarios around me as an example for you. One of my friends had her second baby but because she had both her MIL and her own mother in the same city, she was able to go back to school right after he was born (baby came in spring, she started that fall). She was able to do it because both of their families looked after the baby while she finished. In her family, all of her cousins were married young, its a tradition that they marry them first and even have kids but continue to study. It has worked for them. Another one of our family friends had gotten married, at the time she was doing the BA, her husband was finishing law school. She didnt have inlaws or a mother to help her look after her kids once she had them so her studies got put on hold. Now her eldest is 10 (she has three kids) and has gone back to do her Masters part time during the evenings and weekends while her husband looks after the children during those hours. They are established enough now, that taking care of her kids while she is in school is more manageable. She is in her last couple of classes, I think by the end of next year she should be done and she is only 33.
It is all dependable on the kind of support around you. If you feel like you can have your mother or your inlaws help you take care of the baby at the same time as you study then why not start trying now and have a baby in hopes of before you begin the 2013 year. If you are set on studying and that has been your ideal plan all along, then you should definitely stick to that because if you have a hard time juggling both, you will make yourself miserable. And if your ultimate goal was to finish your masters before you began even thinking about children, then it may be hard to let that dream go even if you have a child but can't seem to find the time for it. You want to be able to not only enjoy being a mother but have the time to focus on both right? But why do you have to start in 2013? Can you start taking some courses now and get them out of the way? I am assuming your program goes off its fall start cycle? You could also start trying for children closer to the end of your two year program, so by the time you graduate, a few months later not only do you have your degree but a baby too?? One of my friends got pregnant in the last year of studies as planned and she graduated a few weeks before baby was ready to arrive.
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
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..is studying and having a family possible at the same time?
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There is never a perfect time to have kids. There will always be something. If not studying then work. If not work then the next level in your career. It's a lifetime of juggling priorities.
It's possible I know because I saw my mom do it first hand and I did it as well. The question you should ask yourself is "am I willing to juggle?" You may not need all of family support but you definitely need your spouse to be on board.
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
Thank you everyone for all your replies and examples
I am 24, hubby is 30. My parents and inlaws are back home, we dont really have much family here except for hubbys uncles and aunts spread all over Canada and states…my husband sponsored his parents about 4 years ago, so thats also in process (he is hoping they will get here in a year or two inshAllah).
The only thing I do not want to do is take another gap post graduation, as while I was doing my undergrad I got married, and then was waiting for my visa so never really got a chance to begin masters as everything was in limbo…so i ended up taking a 2 year break from studies (I learnt french meanwhile and did internships and also wrote freelance and had a clothing business too)…so now that I want to continue studies, I would like to start working after that too so the degree does not go to waste. I was looking into hearing from people who were studying/had a baby and were working/had a baby..so thanks for the examples
Lusi: Where are you based? You sure do sound like a superwoman, I wish I can manage it like you! I do not mind taking advantage of the support system at all, infact, i am one of the few people who actually enjoyed living in a joint family post marriage and mashAllah my inlaws are really encouraging and supportive (becharey they used to pick and drop me to university and my internship, my bro and sis in law helped with my thesis and all too
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
thats really good to hear!! and you are still SO YOUNG!! in that case, my suggestion would be to finish and then inshallah once your inalws are here, you will have enough support to help you with planning for children. it will be much more manageable, not only in the aspect of balancing a schedule once the baby is here but also in regards to helping you during your pregnancy, baby shower, shopping and all that fun stuff that comes with having a first baby. you will enjoy it much more! you are only 24! same difference as me and my hubby i am 25 and he is 31, inshallah i want to give it another year or two myself before i even start planning to also be able to establish my career a little bit so i have something to get back to once they are older. someone told me its much easier to pick up where you left of, as opposed to STARTING something new after having children, and that has stuck with me.
i agree with what someone said up there, its never really a right time to have children, or it always seems that way
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
Ayesha, I am in US (minnesota). in terms of family, only my father lives close to us, he loves baby sitting our little one on weekends, but we try to get done with shopping in couple hours. i have lot friendswho have volunteered to babysit whenever we need. my husband literally makes it possible for me, he motivates me, helps with the chores, and supports me emotionally and physically in every possible manner. alhamdulilah. Again, it is hard work but doable.
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
When i got married i almost completed my first master…and cuz i wanted to do do a second master i started it after marriage…and just completed it last summer mashah Allah my fam was really supportive…
I had 3 days a week classes and worked 32 hours ( it was hardddd :/) buttttt eventually i MA graduated and got a really good job at a young age…now we r planning to have a baby soon (inshallah )
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
I guess that's true. My hubby and I were having the same discussion the other day, and he was telling me about a colleague who was 3 years senior to him in experience, but took 16 months off twice in the past 4-5 years (as maternity leave) and is now still part of the organisations but 3 years behind as far as her career is concerned. Which is not a big deal because at the end of the day, women work because they enjoy it, the 2nd income is just another contribution to the house and in most cases, the wife is not entirely duty bound to work or bring the 2nd income- and in her case, she gave priority to her family life and is content with it so thats what matters at the end of the day...and i guess he was right...even in my case, whatever I do, I want to do it well. I do not want to be a super woman handling a fancy career and a family because something or the other always suffers..Id be happy working and doing well and not being super super competitive at the cost of my family:)
Re: Beginning a family vs completing school/starting a career
Thats true...no fun planning a baby alone specially when you have everyone back home who'll be coming here anyway! You're so right....
Off topic but what do you do and when did u get married? MA whatever u say makes alot of sense :)
thats really good to hear!! and you are still SO YOUNG!! in that case, my suggestion would be to finish and then inshallah once your inalws are here, you will have enough support to help you with planning for children. it will be much more manageable, not only in the aspect of balancing a schedule once the baby is here but also in regards to helping you during your pregnancy, baby shower, shopping and all that fun stuff that comes with having a first baby. you will enjoy it much more! you are only 24! same difference as me and my hubby i am 25 and he is 31, inshallah i want to give it another year or two myself before i even start planning to also be able to establish my career a little bit so i have something to get back to once they are older. someone told me its much easier to pick up where you left of, as opposed to STARTING something new after having children, and that has stuck with me.
i agree with what someone said up there, its never really a right time to have children, or it always seems that way
mashah Allah my fam was really supportive…
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