Bear with me........

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Okay so this is just a sanity check…I guess I need objective views

My mother raised me on her own through great difficulty without any help from anyone else. Her own family helped her only lets say only 10% of the time that she needed them. Other than that they mainly kept away. It has come to the point that she has reached old age and now I have told her that her health is going to decline from here. I work fulltime and sometimes more to support us both. I guess its come to the point where I need extra help. My mom is a family oriented person and would love to be involved or be with other members of her family. But although it has not been said expressly it has been implied that no one wants the burden.
I have told my uncle that I may need assistance and although he did not say no he did not say yes. So in order to be with my uncle it involves moving half way across the world and starting again. I know that being closer to him will make my mom happier. I am also wanting to make a fresh start and start somewhere new.
Although we live independently now there are many factors that mean that living here is making us both sick.

There are many pros and cons to the move but once again i am not sure

this is just a summary…

2

Re: Bear with me........

I think you need to think about your mother's happiness and well being for now. At this point, elders need to be surrounded by people they love and care for. Do you think if you moved, your uncle would make your mother happy? If yes, go for it. If not, look around at other options like a larger desi/Muslim community, family friends that might be close by, etc.

I think its great how sensitive you are to your mother's needs and feelings...hope it all works out well for both of you. :)

Queen ke liye
Queen ke liye
3

Re: Bear with me........

I think you need to be sure that your uncle will be willing to help before you make such a huge move. You said you needed help, is he the only one that you know of that is willing to give it to you? I am not one for nursing homes so I think being around family is the best if they are infact going to be understanding of your moms situation. You seem to want a change as well so you need to decide if you will be comfortable moving there and finding work, etc. If you will, then as long as you work on getting the details worked out you should be fine, Insha'Allah. I hope all goes well for you and your mother.

4

Re: Bear with me........

Wait this actually a question? I am sorry, but that seems rather insenstive on your part. I am assuming you are working or older than 23, your mother must have gone through hell. Raising a kid in the 1980s till now culturely is not a bloody easy task for a Pakistani woman.

So firstly you need to give your mom a whole lot more credit. Secondly you need to show that by putting her first. Seriously what is ****ing wrong with kids these days.

Timepass-December 2013
5

I don't think he/she is insensitive, I think she is a very sweet loving son/daughter and I commend him/her for thinking of moving to the other side of the world for their mother...

Not sure what to say but I think you may find a lot of happiness as well as your mum being around loved ones..

6

Have you discussed it with your mum? from waht you have wrote in 1st post, it seems like she doesn't know much about what is brewing in your mind. As for moving to other country I wouldn't recomend that since if it would have made her happy, she would have moved close to your uncle & other relatives when you were still a child. Don't take me wrong, some times distance between the relations take the petty issues out of the equation and the moment you start interacting more closely they re-emerge.
I would say talk to your mother and ask what she wants. Your uncle didn't say a definite yes to you, so if I were you I would take it as a no, as a reluctant "yes" is as good as a "no".
Moving to a new place half way across the world with your mum and starting from fresh is not as easy as it sounds, and you may end up in worse situation than this.
Also you didn't mention what sort of help you are looking for? Broadening your social circle and meeting new people may have a positive impact on both you and your mother.

What makes people rude?
7

Re: Bear with me........

If u r guy... find a nice wife, who will be willing to take care of ur mother happily.
However from ur post i wud assume u r a girl. In that case consider moving close to ur uncle and what abt rest of the family ? is there someone better u can count on ?

To My Phrindz - Part - 2
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Re: Bear with me........

I wouldn't depend on your Uncle to help with your current situation. As someone said earlier, a reluctant "Yes" is as good as a "No"..

If your uncle cared about his Sister as much as you care for your Mum, years ago he would have offered a helping hand, rather than only offering when you asked. I don't think you can rely on him and if you up-sticks and move around the World, I think you will find that things will be harder than they were before.

I had a friend whose family did something similar. Her family asked a relative in the US for help with her Mum who was ill. They said all the right things and made all the right promises but when they landed there, nothing had been sorted for them. No accomodation, schools/education for her siblings, work for her Dad (that was promised by one of the relatives), nothing. They were all cramped in their relatives house and the relatives began to resent them due to the lack of space. It took years for her family to even begin to start finding their feet and throughout that time my friend had to make a lot of sacrifices. Even now, years later, things are still a struggle and all the promises they made have yet to be fulfilled.

I would talk with your Mum and ask her what she wants. If you do decide to move to the US, then I would plan everything and arrange everything before you begin to think about packing up abd booking tickets. Get a property first. Would you buy or rent? go on the internet, register with some letting agents. Find a good one and build a rapport with them. ask them to send you pics of properties, areas, measurements of rooms, etc etc. Keep in constant contact with them. Ask them to let you know as soon as a property comes on the rental market. Explaion your situation to them. when you find a property you like the look of, with nice area, good transport links, close to work (you need to think of all these things) then ask them to draw up a tenanncy agreement and have them fax it over so you can sign and fax back. At the same time look for jobs. Update your CV, email around the CV to companies in the area you want to live in. Offer yourself up for phone interviews and register with employment agencies.

what about "green cards" and social securoty numbers? I don't know how all this works but you do you need all this before you can even rent property, work, get healthcare? Look into everything, do your research and plan everything BEFORE. DO NOT rely on your Uncle tyo do it. Chances are if he did do something it, it would be a half-hearted effort. He would probably rent your out the cheapest, smallest property because he couldnt be bothered to look for anything else...

If you do decide to do this, be prepared!! Good luck!!

To My Phrindz - Part - 2
9

Re: Bear with me........

are you in Pakistan or outside?
if outside it is better that u move closer to a desi community make friends with other families that have their parents with them, i know itll be hard because they will be busy with their families and friend who also have families but you never know unless you try.
That way your mother will be around other desi even if they are not family.
but someone who is around by choice will treat you much better then family that feels forced

If your in Pakistan you can try to get a live in maid so that your mother is not alone when you are at work, also do the same there make friends with your neighbours who knows they may stop by every once in a while and keep your mother company for a bit.

If you move do the same but before you move find a job and living arrangements, do not stay with relative for more then 2 days and let them know itll only be that long... this way the relationship wont go bad

10

Re: Bear with me........

A few people have made excellent points there...preparation is key and making sure you dont become a burden on the people you are going to be living with. I think you're doing the right thing by making sure your mother is close to her family and happy but if you dont do this right, it could turn the relationship sour too.