is not always so straight forward.
Bellow is the part of ongoing counselling of a person who was sexually abused as child and now he feels the urge to do the same with children. It was made public on his request, for the benefit of others.It may help us understand the phenoeina better.
Dear Readers,
X requested Aangan to publish his entire counseling, so that readers could benefit from his experience and draw strength. Here is his second letter along with our reply.
Dear Psychologist,
Thank you for a very direct and honest reply. I thought psychologists just say what they feel like saying and what ‘they’ believe is true. But you have changed my perception. Thank you for appreciating me for talking about my experience. Let me now answer the questions you asked:
- You asked me: how long have I been experiencing abusive feelings and what thoughts cross my mind when I am around children?
- Actually, I don’t remember the exact time and date but as far as I can remember, it started right during the time he was abusing me. I asked friends if they had gone through the same experience and hearing that they had never been abused like that used to ignite a feeling of revenge for my abuser. ‘Why me,?’ was the question in my mind. What had I done? All I could do was think about taking away happiness from the children around me. ‘Why should I be the only one to suffer’ is the voice I hear inside me since the time I had been abused and every time I lay my eyes on a child.
- Have you actually attempted to abuse a child?
- I do feel like abusing children, but I have never attempted it; I deliberately stop myself from abusing children. This is because I think that why should they suffer, too.
It’s not easy, Psychologist. The feelings, the anger, the constant urge to take revenge, the continuous battle inside; it’s really hard. Nowadays, as my parents have also started talking to me about getting married and stuff, I am in a constant fear of whether I will be able to develop ‘normal’ and intimate relationship with a female or not. I really can’t find an answer to that. When I try, the only thing that comes to my mind is my abuse at his hand.
X.
Dear X,
I appreciate your answers, as I understand your thoughts and feelings better. After going through such a difficult time with no social support, with friends saying they had never been abused, you must have felt alienated. The fact that you have never abused a child shows that you are a decent person - not an abuser. People who abuse children do report deliberately trying to stop themselves from going near children, or question their thoughts. Some of them, along with all their feelings of anger, sadness, helplessness, lack of control or revenge, end up abusing children while others work on their feelings, explore their thoughts and the reason behind them and end up preventing themselves from sexually abusing children, just like you do. This is the thing that will prevent you from becoming an abuser. In difficult time, all we have to do is stick to the questions a little longer and we will find the answers. Your question ‘why should they suffer’ is a strength you have; you have a gift of listening to your own inner voice with great clarity. Try to live by what you hear and you will see the reward coming your way. It’s hard, but a little effort and constant articulation of your feelings will be helpful in dealing with your thoughts. You mentioned the constant need to take revenge from your abuser. How do you define ‘revenge’ in this case and have you ever taken any measures for that? Since the abuser was your cousin, do you still come in contact with him? If yes, how do you feel about that? I can understand your concern, X, when you think about getting married and developing an intimate relationship. Many survivors of abuse (where the abuser is of the same sex) report fear of facing difficulty or discomfort in developing intimate relationships. As this is something which requires a detailed discussion and a lot of exploration of your feelings, if you feel comfortable and are living in Islamabad I would suggest that you come for in-person counseling. However, if you cannot come for in-person counseling, we can continue the process through e-mails as well; it’s just that it will be a little slower. As I said earlier, stick to the questions a little longer and let’s hope that together we can explore ways to carve out a healthy way. Till then, take good care of yourself!
Aangan Psychologist.
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