Re: Barf ka Bosa
ok..since it’s an ‘aazaad nazam’ i don’t have much to say because meter and weight doesn’t come into play too much. there are other forms of nazam where you have to strictly follow those poetic restraints.
however, from linguistic finesse POV, i would like to add a few things as follows:
-gul-ruKh gaaloN = gul jaise chehre waale gaal = how about narm surKh ruKhsaar?
-gudgudaahat = gudgudii
-aasmaan kii nagrii se = nagar vahaN basta hai jahaN aabaadii hotii hai is liye = aasmaan kii balandii se?
-madhosh kun = hosh rubaa?
-shafaaf = shaffaaf
-garmii seNkte huye = seNkhe huye garm haath?
-munjamid sii dunyaa meN = mujamid manaazir meN
-samai = waqt? i would go with the word ‘lamhe’
-pighaltaa saa = pighaltaa huaa?
-sindoorii rang bhartaa saa = sindoorii rang bhartaa huaa?
-mehrubaan = mehrbaan?
of course, you have the full freedom to adopt to these suggestions or to ignore! 
simply, my 2-3 cents! 