How do you get across to your parents in-law that you don’t want a baree and that you are not taking any jahez from your parents?
I have asked my parents to not give me any jahez, any clothes or things that I will take with me will be bought on my own, iA. And if I don’t want my parents going spending money on my jahez, I don’t think it’s fair for me to take baree from my inlaws either. I have always worked hard for anything that I want instead of depending on anyone else. This time around too, I feel it’s unfair for both set of parents to waste money on something like clothes, jewelry.. especially if my husband and I can afford them ourselves. I would rather have them save it for their use. It’s not like we are millionaires starting a new life but inshallah, we plan to establish our life together without putting any kind of pressure on our families. I spoke to my husband about it and he seems fine with it. Im also paying for most of my wedding, my wedding dress, etc much to the anger of my parents who want to contribute but I have told them no. I obviously cannot ask my inlaws to do the same but atleast ease some expectations off them.
So how do I tell them this? Im worried they might take it the wrong way, get offended or feel like Im upset about something. It’s a complicated issue especially when you’re dealing with your in-laws and don’t know what they will think. Any ideas?
I think its great what you are doing and totally applaud your efforts!
Its natural for parents to want to spoil and pamper their daughter as she is leaving to start a new life, as a gesture of the love and care they have for you. Perhaps what you can suggest is whatever your parents had wanted to spend on your jahez, that they donate it towards some poor girl in Pakistan wedding. There are so so many poor families in Pakistan who go into debt for life, imagine the difference it would make to give such a gift to them. Im sure there are alot of charity organizations that collect donations to buy wedding dresses and such for poor girls, or if you have any relatives in Pakistan they can perhaps deliver the money personally. If your parents are adament to give and you are adament to not take from them, then I think this is a great compromise and giving in charity is always a means of blessing and insha Allah it will bring more blessing and happiness to your marriage and life. Aside from that, if it will really hurt them for you not to take anything at all from them, I think you might at least yeild to something, more as a a wedding gift, a token, even if its just like one set. Because it is also from their khussi to give something to their daughter that you will look back and remember that my parents gave this to me on my wedding day
Hope it all works out for you!
^Thanks!
My parents understand where Im coming from especially because I have never asked them to spend on anything for me. My mom still is a mother and wants to give me certain things that I will not refuse because it will make her happy. The problem is, I don't know how and what to tell my inlaws. I don't want a baree and let's say if I stay quiet and let them do what they want and they find out later that I didn't take jahez from my parents, I don't want them getting offended or having a showdown. So I want to deal with this as peacefully as possible.
As for charity, instead of having weddings favors at the wedding, my husband and I are donating money to a couple of charities in Pakistan (in memory of my and his grandparents), and will give a card to our guests telling them a donation has been made in their name to so and so place. Sgc gave me this idea at my nikkah time when my husband's mamoo passed away suddenly so Im really grateful to her for this!
i dunno if stopping ur in laws from giving u presents will work. they're happy with the occasion so dil se cheezein derahe hain. u can tell them not to go overboard with it, but i wouldnt stop them because im sure his mom, like many other moms, waited for this time to pick and choose beautiful things for her new daughter.
hmm...maybe you could try having your husband speak with his mom so he can get a feel for how she sees it. I mean, have him discuss it like "i don't want you spending so much money on the baree as its just another burden like jahez, neither of which we, as a couple, believe in"
this way, the MIL will kinda get the hint that you don't believe in either jahez or baree and won't have false expectations of jahez at the wedding. there will be no let down. Also, she may have an easier time understanding your point of view without getting offended if she knows that you told your own parents the same thing and they agreed without getting offended.
i would find this very difficult. ive just got married and trust me, its very difficult to get my way even if its in their best interests. i think its best you let your parents give you something and your in laws something. imagine all your life you have been their dependent, and suddenly madam can afford her own stuff so mum dad no longer required. as much as you mean this in the best way, i think your mum dad may feel abit left out. i told my mum not to give me anything yet she did anyway, she feels happy. it makes them happy to give their kids something, so let them. i realised my mum was more woried/stressed/upset if she didnt give anything. so dont worry about being a burden, your their child for gods sake. let them do as they wish. itl make them happy. of course im sure your mum dad wouldnt put themselves in such dire financial stress, but giving a little on your wedding, is ok. its the last time theyl give you anything as such anyway, cos after that your married..
Yep, I agree with pkgrl000. Don't speak directly to your in-laws about this, ask your husband-to-be to communicate with his parents. If they still want to, he can tell them to keep it to the minimum.
Totally understand where you're coming from. Went through the same thing myself. But perhaps a compromise, like some of the above suggestions, is in order.
I think it's wonderful that you think this way, but just keep in mind that this tradition has been around for a looooooooooong time, and it won't change overnight. So baby steps along the lines of what midnighteyes or nadz have suggested might be the way to go.
My MIL was going to have like 20 or 30 suits made for me initially. I did not want anybody to go to all that expense and trouble for me, especially when my life is such that I only have 1 or 2 occasions a year for which I can pull out the fancy outfits. So at first, I was trying to convince her not to have anything done but the wedding dress. My fiancee sat me down and explained that while he really appreciated my idea, that if his mother only were to have one suit made for me, his family and his mother's friends would drive her mad with "Why did you only have X number of suits made for Mistral and Y number for your other bahus" or "is there something wrong with Mistral" or "don't you like Mistral?" So after talking it over with him (and him talking with his mother), we compromised it down to about 10 outfits. Still a bit too much for me, but much better than the 20 or 30 she was originally planning. I got the numbers reduced, she got to make a respectable number of outfits, and everybody was happy.
So yeah...COMPROMISE!!!
Good luck and truly...I mean it when I say I tip my hat (or hijab, in my case) off to you. I don't like this whole leyna/deyna thing and I think we really need to give less emphasis to it.
Ask your husband to casually mention it to his parents when you are present as well. Once he starts the conversation, maybe you can explain them a little bit on why you don't want anything & how you have requested your parents to do the same. Keep in mind sometimes our in laws or parents don't do it out of that desi "farz" but just because they are happy & what better way to express it than giving gifts.
You have to be very careful here. See, weddings are a time of great stress. Regardless of the intentions, there will be misunderstandings. For example, your MIL may think that you are discouraging bari because maybe you don't like her taste or that you are being to good for your own good type of thing... so I would personally leave this issue on the side and take it as it comes. If you feel they are spending too much, you can very gratefully acknowledge their sincerity but tell them how you wish they wouldn't do all that.
awww that is such a lovely thought, same as me! I think because ur hubby is the first guy to be getting married on his side, his family will obviously want to give u some stuff.....but you can say you don't too much etc. They must know ur a bright girl and will understand where ur coming from! You can tell them ur not wanting ur own parents to do tooo much in the same convo and just want there duas :-)
Pareezay , I am undergoing the very same situation at the moment. I have refused Jahez and not wanting any bari either …
Initially I informed my fiance and he spoke to him family but they insisted that they wanted to do the bari since its the eldest son’s wedding
Then I spoke to my SIL and genourously thanked them for their good will and explained to her that I will really appreciate it if they dont do the bari …
Well after a few times of reminding them, finally they have said , ok we will give you at least 3 heavy formals … to which I agreed … coz its not good being stubborn on such occasions … I can understand they are wanting to gift their brother/son , by giving me the bari …
so I would advise the same to you that have your husband talk to the MIL , if still they insist give them the option of reducing the bari to a few dresses instead of creating that 50 dresses ka menu
par, from personal experience i can tell you that there is a lot of parent's khushi involved in gifting things to a new bahu or to a beti. and while i do agree that you don't need 50 dresses or lots of jewellery sets, and i totally applaud you wanting to do things for yourself, i think its also a matter of "parents ka dil rakhna".
honestly, i wouldn't make too huge an issue out of this- instead, like chicken biryani and others here have said, try to find a compromise. settle on maybe 3-5 joras each that they can make for you and gift you and maybe one jewellery set, if they really want to do that too.
but don't take this away from them- this is a very special time for both your families too- so let them share in it, keep their khushi intact, and try to work a compromise. it will give them so much happiness. and also from personal experience, its not just the mom's who will take pride in gifting you something wonderful- the dad's can get quite emotional too.
i feel its really important for parents to be able to do these things for their beti's and bahu's and i've seen firsthand the hurt feelings that are a result of not being able to do so.
