bad relationship with once mother

Lifestyle Relationships
1

my friend has a problem with her mom, she’s starting to hate her mother. Her mother is always belittling her, calling her te worst names possilbe. When my friend was little, it was different. When she grew older, she became ugly and her mom was alwyas saying why are you so ugly, why are you so much like my inlaws and not like me, stuff like taht. and when she became a teenager, it got worst, my friend ran away once from home, got divorced, adn returned. it seems that once a girl runs away, even if not with a guy, but alone with her kids, with the sole reason to divorce and have peace, she is doomed forever. girls that run away once can never return. my friends family said they didn’t mind, and everyhting had changed and they didn’t mind…

I know my friend has many faults, shemade many mistakes. but was it really that bad that she only wanted peace? she can’t live in fights daily. she grew up more htan half her life hearing negative things. And now it’s only worse since her divorce and running away. now she constantly hears how bad she is, hermom wont’ leave her alone. picking on her even more. and my friendis truly hating her now.
All she ever wanted was peace, she knows happiness isn’t meant for her. But at lesat seh wanted some peace. was that really that bad???

it bothers her to no end, tohave those hateful feelings towards her own mother, I mean, it’s the womna who bore her inside for 9 months, how do you come to terms with that? ever since the day my friend got married she only had problems, and there seems to be no end for her. she can’t die, becuae then she’ll go straight tohell, and besides, she has kids who need ehr too, she can’tgo anywhere to escpae the situation home, she never shoudl have returned, no matter hwo great the problems were, she should have stayed alone, seh really starts hate her mother now, seh can’t come to terms with hating her mother, because she knows you’re supposed to let your parents treat you as they want, and it’s a sin to do something back. but she can’t help hating her mother more and more. Allah wont’forgive her for these feelings, will He? She’s trying her best to remain calm and listen without saying anything back, and keep reminding herself, that it’s her mother after all, so far it’s working, but few days ago it was too much and thenmy friend had to say something back. some of the stuff she has to hear is too bad. yet she’s not supposed to hate her mom. but she does now..

how does one come to terms with thta? it’s the month of Ramadan fo all motnhs! not even in this holy month will her mother shut up, what on earth do I tell my friend? Any ideas?

2

:(

your friend is lucky to have you.

Don't know where your friend is but she should focus on getting an educaton so she can survive on her own...

3

My heart goes out to your friend. I have been through something very similar and know what a difficult time she must be going through. I dont really know what advice to give except what amelie has already said.
I'll PM you.

4

My heart goes out to your friend..I rele believe she and her mother both need some counseling..where do they live? …if in the tri-state area, then I can make some recommendations..

It could be that her mother is dealing with the greif of her daughter’s unhappy marriage and divorce by lashing out verbal abuse against her..its a sad situation but I honestly believe it can be dealed with..

There has been two incidents in my family that somewhat resemble your friends situation tho not as severe..n in the end both of them turned out fine! If u like I can post them here or PM u about them..

I have some questions to…what does her father or ne of the siblings say about the situation..don’t they step in n take ur friends side? Why doesn’t ur friend tell her mother about how she feels? Has your friend ever told her mother that she loves her, maybe if she is nicer to her, her mom might see the wrong in her ways!

In any case…May Allah grant your friend the strength and fortitude to deal with her situation..Ameen :flower1:

5

That is sad. It's a case of mental abuse, and I dont know what the best solution would be, but I would suggest your friend to stay with someone else if she can for awhile. Atleast until things are straightened out, because it seems that your friend isnt really talking to her mom where a level of understanding has been created.

I would suggest counselling but chances are your friend wont be into that, so in effect you may have to act as a counsellor and give ideas if your friend is willing to listen. What you can do is talk to some counsellors yourself, explain some of the situation, and ask them advice which you can relay to your friend.

One of my friends, her husband abused her physicall and mentally, so she moved out and got a job somewhere. Now she is paying rent for a small room near her work, and she is quite happy. They are still married, and she has noticed that since she moved out, he is treating her a lot better. This doesnt mean everyone reacts the same, but its just an example.

My two cents.

6

how can a mother call her own daugher ugly names and things? I feel sorry for your friend, her mother must have issus of her own, that needs to be solved. Tell your friend to get some help, so she and her mother can solve theire problems, not only for her own sake, but because it cant be very healthy for her children to live in a environment, where theire mother is humiliated daily. Maybe they will end up hating her, and having no respect for theire own mother. So it is very importent that she get help. Can she talk with a another familiymember, who can bring her mother to her senses?

7

Thanks everyone. It's no use for getting help, her Mom will never go to counseling with her. In fact, my friend got help before and counseling, but the counselors dont' understand our culture I guess, instead of getting help, you only end up having ot explain them ho wthings work and they can't advise you from the point of view from your own culture. If you try to solve matters with the help of an outsider (meaning a non-desi), it get's worse. You need to solve it within your own culture. It only gives a bad name to our culture going to non-desi's for help! My friend has to wait now for her own home, and meanwhile try to be patient and shut up as much as she can. it's very depressing though having to listen to that all the time!

she does have a diploma, al_ham_dulilah. So she can take care of herself. She just should never have returned home. That's clear now. When she was living on her own, suddenly her family was 'chagned'. But it was only temperary I guess. But how does one cope with negative feelings towards ones own mohter?
My friend had many talks with both her parents. But herMom never does understand her. She only sees one thing, that she has a daughter that ran away to get a divorce. To her mother, it's always been important what other people think of her. It's all about show and reputation. But what about your own peace? Does teh sacrifice really have to be that big???

My friends Dad and younger brother aren't fond of teh situation either of course, who would be? But they are at least calm and dont' call he rnames all the time. Her older brother is terrible though. I guess she has to find a way to avoid being home all day long with he rMom.

It's such a pity, that ones peace isn't as improtant as the fear of what ohter people might say. I have a daughter, if tomorrow God forbid she marries and he turnes out to be Jerk too, I won't force to be in that situation for ever! That is not Islam!

8

she needs a desi psychologist. fine one for her.. it will reallly help. this is so tragic.

9

you are right, but i am not thinking of caounsiling, i am of thinking of good familiy freinds. I think your frind shoul leave her parents home, now she have her own chuildren to take care off. that will be the best.
i have a daughter too, and also god forbid if he was a jurk, i wil my self go and give him a kick, you know where. and if i where in the same situation, my parents willbe very supportive, thank god for that

10

Sadya- I have to say it.. ur friend is not mentally stable..she seems a bit impulsive in her decisions n she needs some willpower to help her get thru...she rele does need help...I have to agree with Suroor, a desi psychiatrist is the best way to help her, even if the mother doesnt go, it should be someone who her family has no contact with, even if they do there is always doctor-patient confidentiality...like I said before..tell me where she lives..I can recommend someone...my future brother-in-law is a psychiatrist who works in NY..

Whats done is done...she can't change what has happened but she can work on her future...Even if she does live with her parents she can still go out n get a job..It'll probably help her gain some confidence and to get some time off from an unhealthy situation at home..and then if later she did want to move out, she would at least be somewhat financially secure...she needs to have more respect and confidence in herself n to take a stand... she needs to think of her children n what is best for them.

11

My friend lives in Holland, And I think we don't have people of desi culture here working in that area.

I think she shoudl jsut try to avoid being home with her Mom as much as possible. It's jsut a terrible guilty feeling, to see your mother in that way. How does one deal with that? How do you come to terms with that? It's sinful, feeling like that towards your mother, isn't it? Perhaps she should pray more adn be more patient. I guess she has a lack of patience now. Put something in her ears to close them when she's home, lol

12

iIwill say again, ithink, she should move away from her mother. Yes i understand that one can feel guilty and sinfull, but she has to think of her self and her children. Her mother has been like this for long time?, so she wont maybe change, but she need to know that she is doing wrong, thats where a strong family friend can help by telling her mother , look your daugther may have done somthing wrong, but now she is devorced, and that cant change, you arent doing good either. some one has to tall her mother that she is wriong. Maybe if your friend moves away from her family, she will find the currage to say those thing to her mother. I dont think there is any easy answers to yur frinds problem. It isnt common in our culture yet to use professional to solve these kind of problems. People dont trust them in these cases.
t

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by suroor_ca02: *
she needs a desi psychologist. fine one for her.. it will reallly help. this is so tragic.
[/QUOTE]

Yes Suroor is right a Desi psychologist will understand
I hope everything will come alright to ur friend.
Allah us ko sabbar deh. Amien.

Nilu.

14

Re: bad relationship with once mother

A very sad case indeeed. But i dont think its the fault of ur friend . she probably ran away coz she did not have a proper guidance or she was not sure that her parents wud help her out. so her parents are partly involved in dat too.

as far as her being ugly, thats only the way her mother can think of to put her down i-e she is angry on another issue but cant or is not expressing it right...

i think ur friend shud get out of the house. if shes properly educated she shud find a job. its time for her to stand up and to tell the world that she can survive on her own.she shud prove to her parents that being ugly iss not a crime...

now she shud concentrate on her childrens future or they will be living in the same hell or maybe worse...

i hope things turn out well for her...

yes i agree she needs some medical help but more than dat she needs gud and supportive friends.

15

Eeryone, thanks for the advice. I guess there is nothing else left to do. she is looking for her own place and it will take some time. Meanwhile she just has to be more patient and I guess pray more. My friends Dad had a talk with both her and her mother separately. And things are calm again. So, it's better now. Someone suggested my friend should write a letter to her mother, perhaps seh will. But I doubt that it will help. My friend had many talks with her mother in the past. And she only saw one thing, that divorce is bad and sinfull. YEs it is the worst thign form all things that are made lawful, adn Allah dislikes that most from the lawful tihngs. It's not a game or somehting, if there really is no solution left you can divorce instead ruining lifes. ANd that is what alot of peopel don't seemt ounderstand. Divorce doesnt necesarily have to be failure, in some cases, it can be victory.

My friend is feeling better. And she will be allright, in_sha_Allah. THanks again.