For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day
when you just need to take it out on someone, don’t
take that bad day out on someone you know. Take it out
on someone you DON’T know!!!
Now picture this. I was sitting at my desk, when I
remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the
number and dialed it.
A man answered, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is
Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?” The man uttered a foul oath about a wrong
number and slammed down the phone in my ear. How could
someone be that rude? I tracked down Robin’s correct
number and called her. She had transposed the last two
digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I
spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person once
more answered, I yelled “You’re a jackass!” and hung
up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word
“jackass,” and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple
of weeks, when I was paying bills, or having a really
bad day, I’d call him up.
He’d answer, and the I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!”
That would always cheer me up. Later in the year the
phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment because now I would have to stop
calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice, “Hello.” I replied, “Hi. This is the
sales office of the telephone company and I’m just
calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller
ID program?” He went, “No!” and slammed the phone
down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s
because you’re a jackass!”
The reason I’m in the middle of telling you this story
is because if there’s ever anything really bothering
you, you can do something about it.
***
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling
out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she
started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed
up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving.
All of a sudden this bio black Camaro come flying up
the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into
her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, “You
can’t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!”
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring
me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even
hear me. I thought to myself, this guy’s a jackass and
there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I
noticed he had a “For Sale” sign in the back window of
his car.
With a phone number. I wrote it down.
A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my
desk. I had just gotten off the phone and yelling,
“You’re jackass!” It’s really easy to call him now
since I have his number on speed dial. I noticed the
phone number of the guy with the big black Camaro
lying on my desk and
thought I’d better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone,
“Hello.” I said, “Is this the man with the black
Camaro for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow
house and the car’s parked right out front.”
I said, “What’s your name?”
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Great. When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home in the evenings.”
“Listen Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes,”
“Don, you’re a jackass!” And I slammed the down phone.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen’s number to my
speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better. Now when
I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. But after
several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up
on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up
with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man
answered, “Hello.”
“Hello,” I yelled “You’re a jackass!”, but this time I
didn’t hang up.
The jackass said, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah.”
He said, “Stop calling me.”
I said, “No.”
He said, “What’s your name, Pal?”
I said, “Don Hansen.”
He growled, “Where the hell do you call me from?”
“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my big
black Camaro’s parked out front.”
“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start
saying your prayers.”
“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” and I hung
up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, “Hello.”
I said, “Hello, Jackass!”
He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?”
“I’ll kick your butt.”
“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now
Jackass!” And I
hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I
told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that my
gay lover was on his way over to kill me as soon as he
got there. I also called Channel 13 about the gang
war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that, I got into my car and headed over to W.
34th Street to watch the whole thing.
gLoRiOuS bAbY!
If you want to watch two jackasses kicking the crap
out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a
police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.
Just call me