without getting into too much details about what happened: but recently something very bad happened domestically, and my immediate family (my parents and I ) literally fell apart. and till this day, nothing is the same like it used to be, and it never will be. it has broken especially my mother and I and she has been in a depression-like state ever since.
The point I am trying to get at is, I expected my cousins to at least be there for me. NOT ONCE did any of them ( and I have alot of cousins here, over 30) contact me in any way shape or form to see how I was doing. And they do know what’s going on, because 1.the issue of what happened, happened in front of them, so they are well aware. 2. the entire family talks about it regularly (the elders).
I love my family dearly, but now I am thinking to just back off from them. They were not there for me when I really needed them and to think I don’t mean anything is very hurtful. Maybe they think it is none of their business or whatever, but that is no excuse. To see a loved in pain, and not say anything, in my eyes is just plain wrong.
Recently, one of my cousins mom had surgery and she (the mom) went through a temporary mental/child-like stage where she wasn’t herself. I would have felt very bad if I didn’t reach out to her and see how her family was doing. I called my cousin to talk to her and comfort her, and assure her I am praying for everything to get better, and mashAllah it did. yet she couldn’t do the same for me.
My other cousin’s baby is turning 1yr old soon and they want to through a bday party from him, which is a road trip too, because they are doing it 9-hr away from where I live, and they expect me to be there.
If these people cannot be there for me in my pain, why should I be a part of their happiness?
Am I expecting too much from my family?
The biggest disappointers tend to be relatives. I have seen weird comments/attitudes from them even during moments of happiness. OP, reduce your expectations of them so you don't get hurt so easily in the future. The people who are not there for you in times of difficulty....might actually be an annoying, meddlesome presence if they were to offer support or get involved. Put more of your faith and trust in Allah who has all power. People...even cousins....are limited and weak and will let you down. Based on the experiences that I have had over time, I prefer to keep a polite distance with many relatives. I just don't think it's wise to get too close or too emotionally attached. I feel that you have to develop a tougher skin and be careful about what and how much you reveal. If it's a cousin that I was close with, I think I would let them know that I was surprised that I didn't hear from her. And I have actually done that...but it's only with the ones I am more close to. If they are sincere with you, they'll realize their mistakes and they may explain why they've been MIA. If it's a cousin that I'm not that close...I don't think I'd say anything about it.
But relatives are such that even if you decide to "back away" from them, they will complain about you being distant and aloof. There will always be something or the other to complain about...some carelessness or the other....it won't cease, OP. That's why I say lower your expectations, and if you help them do it only for Allah and expect your reward from Him...don't expect anything from your relatives because they will let you down. It's not easy to adopt this detached attitude... (I still have to learn it)...you have to push yourself to think in this way; you have to redirect your thoughts or adjust your frame of mind.
I could say the same thing about them - that they are being distant and aloof.. there have been plenty of times, when my cousins would get together and wouldn't even bother telling me. and then face to face, they say I am the one who doesn't meet them. I'm like, really?!?! how can I meet you if I don't know about your plans? and it's not like we have ever fought or have bad blood against each other either. so it puzzles me
I know Allah is the one who you need the most, but at the end of the day, we are all human and need that human contact/love, and it saddens me to think I possibly cannot have that from the family. I am an only child, so that worsens it, besides my few friends and parents, I don't have anybody.
and I have stopped expecting anything from them :(.
The biggest disappointers tend to be relatives. I have seen weird comments/attitudes from them even during moments of happiness. OP, reduce your expectations of them so you don't get hurt so easily in the future.** The people who are not there for you in times of difficulty....might actually be an annoying, meddlesome presence if they were to offer support or get involved.** Put more of your faith and trust in Allah who has all power. People...even cousins....are limited and weak and will let you down. Based on the experiences that I have had over time, I prefer to keep a polite distance with many relatives. I just don't think it's wise to get too close or too emotionally attached. I feel that you have to develop a tougher skin and be careful about what and how much you reveal. If it's a cousin that I was close with, I think I would let them know that I was surprised that I didn't hear from her. And I have actually done that...but it's only with the ones I am more close to. If they are sincere with you, they'll realize their mistakes and they may explain why they've been MIA. If it's a cousin that I'm not that close...I don't think I'd say anything about it.
But relatives are such that even if you decide to "back away" from them, they will complain about you being distant and aloof. There will always be something or the other to complain about...some carelessness or the other....it won't cease, OP. That's why I say lower your expectations, and if you help them do it only for Allah and expect your reward from Him...don't expect anything from your relatives because they will let you down. It's not easy to adopt this detached attitude... (I still have to learn it)...you have to push yourself to think in this way; you have to redirect your thoughts or adjust your frame of mind.
This. My siblings and I have a weird relationship with our family on both sides because of some ongoing $$ disputes that our elders had which carried on down through the generations. We used to be hurt a lot by it because they were never there for us but that's what I realized quickly. If they're not there for you in the bad times, they're not worth pursuing a relationship with AND most of the time, these same people will dampen and ruin a happy moment too.
its best to not have any expectations as redvelvet said families tend to disappoint a lot, and unfortunatley when they do it hurts the most, is there no one at all that has been in touch? maybe they feel you may get offended or upset or don't want to remind you of whatever happened and just want to carry on as normal, i can appreciate it hurts when your own let you down however sometimes holding onto that can make the situation worse hope things get better for you! inshallah x
Sorry but in all this you are thinking about why your cousins did not contacting you? Sooner or later, they WILL contact (at least the ones who are neat to you) you but you should be more worried about you and your mom not being on talking terms. Perhaps your relatives think that you are on mistake?
I am concerned about my cousins, because this issue started a year ago, and is still going on. And i still remember that day when most of said family fought about it... and then many times more again, till this day about it..
And my mother and I are fine, the domestic issue going on is between my parents, and my dad and I...
Only a few people have given my mom support, no one gave me any, hence what I was expecting from my cousins at least... i thought that's what family is for, but i guess not mine
^ Is there a possibility your cousins' parents have told them to stay out of the dilemma, that it should only be between parents. I know my parents have said that to me. Maybe that's why you've heard from the parents but not their kids (cousins) ?
dont expect any thing from cousins or relatives. my close cousins, planned a lot against me and still do. all i do is ignore them. my dad and all other relatives support my cousins openly even though they are wrong just because they are kids of his elder respectable brother. so this puts me and my sibblings in a position where i want to hate my dad. even though he knows we are right still he openly defends his nephews and nieces. it all comes to jealousy. so much jealousy in our family.
So i am currently not in good terms with my dad. its life. I always though my dad would be on our side.
They're your parents, and they gave birth to you and they raised you. Give them a second chance, especially sounds like your mom is feeling it, you say she is depressed. Go home and give her a hug and give your dad a hug and put it behind you.
Its between my parents... i have been consoling my mom since the beginning.. dad, not so much cuz he is at fault.. but at the end of the day, he is my father so im trying
A lot of people feel uncomfortable dealing with scary topics. Death condolences, family issues, major life changes all fall under that umbrella of awkward topics.
Maybe they're worried about upsetting you and they're not certain that you even want to talk about it. Maybe they're just giving you space. Have you tried to broach the topic with any of your cousins? Maybe they're waiting for you to say that yes I'm ready to talk. You should at least try to confide in one of your most trusted cousins. Tell them you're scared and you'd like some support. If you see some positivity or non-response from their side then you can reevaluate your relationship with your cousins.
I agree with what has been said above. Even when some things happen in our khandan, my mum does tell me about them, but she tells me not to interfere or bother the other person(s). It is their internal matter and we should let them solve it. People don't like other people interfering, being inquisitive or being intrusive, even if they are our relatives or cousins. On one hand you are thinking why your cousins haven't been there for you or contacted you. Just think about the opposite scenario, where your cousins were poking their nose in to your internal family matters way too much and they were name calling your dad for being the reason of the dispute and asking too many questions. Would you have liked that to happen? Sweetheart, at the end of the day, to each their own. If you have some issues going on, don't expect anyone to come help. Least of all cousins or relatives. Solve it on your own. Don't be down or expect too much from them. Focus on resolving this dispute and consoling your mum. Be there for her, she needs you the most at the moment.