atalji and fauji

RAN90L1 · January 27, 2002, 10:49am

http://www.gupistan.com/gallery/1/atf.jpg

RAN90L1 · January 27, 2002, 10:51am

Fauji: Err, dhanivad, Atalji.

Atalji: Kaun? Who eezz eet?

Fauji: It’s me, your neighbour, Atalji.

Atalji: Oh, I see. What can I do for you?

Fauji: Errr, how are you? Atalji: Fine.

Fauji: For God’s sake don’t say “fine”. You sound like the wife. When she says “fine” she means she doesn’t want to talk to me any longer. It means I should shut up. Kya aap mujh say naaraz hain? What’s the matter, Atalji?

Atalji: Nothing.

Fauji: Oh no. It’s the wife all over again. “Nothing” means something, it means I had better be on my toes. When she says “nothing”, it means she’s really angry. Why can’t we talk like normal human beings?

Atalji: Go ahead.

Fauji: Ufff! I recognise that “go ahead”. It means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”.

Atalji: Sighhh…

Fauji: Oh no. I know that loud sigh too. This is not actually a word but it’s still a formidable verbal statement. When the wife gives me a “loud sigh” she means to say that I’m a complete idiot and wonders why she’s wasting her time talking to me about “nothing”. But let me tell you, Atalji, I meant every word of that revolutionary speech of mine. I’m going after the fundos like there’s no tomorrow.

Atalji: Oh?

Fauji: There you go again. In the wife’s case “oh” as the lead to a sentence usually means that she knows I’m fibbing. It also means that I should run, not walk, to the nearest exit. Atalji, are you there?

Atalji: Ji, ji.

Fauji: Well, can I just explain to you that I really mean to restore Pakistan to its liberal moorings and all that’s happened in the past, including Kargil, is exactly that, a thing of the past.

Atalji: That’s OK.

Fauji: Now this is one of the most dangerous things my wife says to me. “That’s OK” means she’s thinking about the penalty she’s going to impose for whatever I’ve done. “That’s OK” means I’m in for big trouble.

Atalji: Thanks a lot!

Fauji: This is not the same as “thanks”. When the wife says “thanks a lot” she’s really ticking me off. This is often followed by a “loud sigh” and if I ask her what’s wrong she says “nothing”. Can’t the two of us get out of vicious cycle? Can I not assure you of my bona fides?

Atalji: Please do.

Fauji: I know, I know. This is not a statement. It’s an offer. By saying “please do” the wife gives me a chance to come up with an excuse for what I’ve done.

Atalji: Sighhh….