At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

[queen_24]

Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

@safinaz

I’m going through a difficult phase in life and need your help.
All my life, I have spent day after day resenting my mother. She was never there for me when I was a kid, she chose her career and social life over me while I was left at the mercy of servants and her family to take care of me. I felt she was never mature or ready to start a family and I happened to her without her being ready for it. From being totally distanced and annoyed with her as a kid, she and I started to hate each other especially in my teen years. She created friction between my father and I, *****ed about me to other people, and always made me to be this horrible person infrong of others. Once I hit my late teens, she started threatening me to get married or leave her house. I spent majority of my life in depression which grew deeper as I saw other people with normal relationships with their mothers. I always wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to wish her on Mother’s Day or felt the need to even sit next to her.. because our bond never existed. Because of her and her constant rumblings to others, I became alone and started to stay away from people. My early twenties were all spent in my room with a laptop and my books. She refused to pay for my school so since the age of 15, I have worked to give myself a better life. Finally I met my husband who brought somewhat normalcy into my life and helped me become somewhat more cordial towards my mother. After my wedding, things became slightly bearable between my mother and I.
Last Ramadan, I planned my first umrah trip with my husband to celebrate his 30th birthday. Upon hearing about this, my mother self invited herself saying she wanted to gk too. I politely told her no AF which she started throwing tantrums and crying about how I’m a horrible daughter etc. fearing my umrah will not be accepted if I hurt her, I told her fine she can go. But of course that wasn’t all. I then also had to extend an invitation to my inlaws because I knew they would get offended hearing I was taking her but not them. Before I knew it, this trip had become massive with us, my mother and 4 people going from my husbands family. They all refused to pay for a second room so we had no choice but to get one big room for everyone. The umrah was torture. I was bitter and annoyed and ESP at my mother for creating this whole mess to begin with. In addition to the claustrophobic environment, my mother would constantly complain about everything. From tickets to hotel to food and not to me but in front of all my inlaws. No matter where we ate she hated the food. No matter where we went it was always some whining or the other. It became increasingly unbearable and embarrassing to hear her grumble. I told her a few times to stop but it just went on. In addition, my mil and nands had their own ways of annoying me and I’m just surprised I survived the umrah without going mental. All this tension caused a rift between my husband and I who I took my anger out on to the point where we almost seperated.
On the last day in Saudi during lunch my mother started complaining about the flight that night and how my husband and I had done such a bad job of planning this trip. There I just had it and I told her she needed to stop complaining! She started throwing a for and crying how she made a mistake by coming with us, how I was a horrible daughter and her usual attacks towards me and all this right in front of my inlaws. Few hours later I went and said sorry to her and she shrugged me off by saying god had punished her with a daughter like me. She said this in front if my inlaws and my heart just broke. She could have said this to anyone but to say things like these to me in front of my inlaws, to me that was just the nail in the coffin. Which mother would ever want to insult and ruin her daughters image in front of her inlaws like that? After that day, I felt I was dead to her. I didn’t even find the energy in me to say anything to her after that, I just hated her and wanted to be away from her. Once we came back home, I quietly went to my house and she to hers. It’s been months since I have last seen or spoken to her. I have been battling severe depression since then. I had so many hopes pinned on my umrah thinking once I was there, I would have a week to myself to sort out my issues and find peace. What happened instead was something I never imagined.
After months and months of stress, I’m now tired and sick of if all. My marriage is suffering due to my unhappiness in life. My inlaws have taunted me over what my mother said. My relationship with God seems estranged as I feel he is putting me through more than i can handle. All I can think about is how my mother has just ruined it all for me. Lately Iwant nothing but to die and get rid of this stress in my life. I’m writing today because I feel I’m reaching my breaking point fast.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I know how difficult it must be to you to go through a feeling of being neglected by your Own Mother since you were a child but if you think you are mature, then be it!!
I dont want to give you a lot of suggestions as I see a lot of people here have already given you.
The only thing I would want to share with you is this Ayat from Our Holy Quran:

Also agree to psyah.. When she is happy with you your in-laws will see that and see that both of you have changed for the better .