Re: Arrgghh!!
True. This is the "whack" zamana, it looks like. Whether its Pakistani two-faced hypocrites, like a few we have running amock here, or whack New Zealanders.
Re: Arrgghh!!
How am i “behaving in the exact same way” ?
I didn’t give the whole picture, and for good reasons…and not only was the girl shameful, so was my cousin…his own brother thinks so also…i think i know my family well enough so that’s y i can say wot i have said…it’s true and everyone knows it in our family…i do not wish to, nor do i have time to go into the other stuff at the wedding, which was 100% wrong…
Wot’s wrong with a nice slow first dance? Nothing. But my thinking is that even though u may not be brought up in Pakistan, u shud still have that culture in u…as far as i know, in paki or muslim weddings, the couple does not dance together…it wasn’t a christian wedding, so we all think it’s not appropriate to try and do our weddings like they do…we have r own customs etc., and they shud be passed down…i know more and more ppl r incorporating western wedding traditions into our desi ones…but if we keep following them, and forget ours then somewhere down the line eventually, there will be no differences between a desi wedding and a non-desi wedding.
I get the impression from ur posts on this forum that u seem to have a problem with the old-fashioned ways (even though u don’t have one with arranged marriages)…perhaps i’m and oldie to u then…but ppl who went to this wedding in our family or saw the vid, and they had seen my engmnt one too; clearly saw that even though me n my cousins’ wife were both born/raised abroad, and that we both have love marriages, the difference btwn us (morals/values, respect wise) was like nite and day…u guys don’t know her, i do…so i am not judging her, i know how she is…but u lot seem to be judging me just cos i said she (and my cousin) was shameful…which they were, no doubt about it…the most “modern” or “abcd” of my cousins even agreed on the fact that our cousin and his bride were so stupid for the stuff that was going on…even my half-white girl cousin who has no idea about paki culture, at least knew THAT MUCH, that these two had crossed the line and gave no respect to the fact that elders were around…and i’m not bragging or anthing, but honestly anyone (even my in-laws) will tell u how decent our engmnt. was…my point is, there is a time and place for everything.
I don’t understand ur comment on y u think it’s sick, if everyone expects u to be quiet etc. on ur wedding…sorry, but i think u really r an “abcd”, cos on one hand u seem to back up arranged marriages and ur parents choice n all that…but then sometimes u make comments like these (how first dances and being loud etc on ur wedding wud be ok)…i just don’t get it…u know, in our culture the girl “leaves the house” rite…it is a very sad thing for the girls’ side…i think if u look at most cultures u’ll notice girls r shy at the wedding…hence the term “blushing bride”, and there’s a certain charm to it…i’m gonna be crying my eyes out on my wedding day - at rukhsati time - i just know it…u just get caught up in the moment…i have seen happy brides in our culture, they smile, talk even and i’m sure they were happy and even excited but when the nite goes on then it does getter sadder…ur sad cos ur family is “losing” u…but happy at the same time for starting ur new life with ur husband…it’s bitter sweet…just wot i believe.
Re: Arrgghh!!
No I dont think anyone has a problem with the old fashioned way.
I think I personally have a problem with people wanting to practice things the old fashioned way, and then backbiting those who don't follow suit, as if backbiting is a virtuous thing to do in the first place.
I'm dancing at my wedding, full throttle with "Hey mambo", and that new Shakira song, and kiss my joothi if anyone has a problem with it.
Re: Arrgghh!!
How am i “behaving in the exact same way” ?
**You are getting annoyed that people are thinking that just because you did the un-traditional thing of finding your own mate 
then ur totally baysharam and will do whatever, and like i said you have every right to be frustrated. ****My point is, that she did what she wanted to do not caring what others thought; you did the same thing in regards to choosing the guy you wnat to spend your life with. People will talk shiit about you just like you are talking about her. **
I didn’t give the whole picture, and for good reasons…and not only was the girl shameful, so was my cousin…his own brother thinks so also…i think i know my family well enough so that’s y i can say wot i have said…it’s true and everyone knows it in our family…i do not wish to, nor do i have time to go into the other stuff at the wedding, which was 100% wrong…
Well, I only made my assumption based on what you wrote, so if there’s more to the story then I might change my mind 
Wot’s wrong with a nice slow first dance? Nothing. But my thinking is that even though u may not be brought up in Pakistan, u shud still have that culture in u…as far as i know, in paki or muslim weddings, the couple does not dance together…it wasn’t a christian wedding, so we all think it’s not appropriate to try and do our weddings like they do…we have r own customs etc., and they shud be passed down…i know more and more ppl r incorporating western wedding traditions into our desi ones…but if we keep following them, and forget ours then somewhere down the line eventually, there will be no differences between a desi wedding and a non-desi wedding.
**There’s a lot fo things about desi weddings that are non-Islamic that do not include a slow dance btw the couple (mehndi, dancing, ridiculous spending). Face it, if you’ve never left your village in Pak then you are bound to be influenced by your surrounding culture, and you’re bound to pick up good aspects as well as bad.
** I get the impression from ur posts on this forum that u seem to have a problem with the old-fashioned ways (even though u don’t have one with arranged marriages)… **I do in fact have a problem wiht certain old fashoined ways and I don’ t want them part of my wedding, my marriage, my kids. For example, I understnad the reasoning and logic behind totally arrnaged marriages (total blind shaadi where hte couple don’t even talk to each other beforehand) but does that mean I’m willing to go with it? NO.
**perhaps i’m and oldie to u then…but ppl who went to this wedding in our family or saw the vid, and they had seen my engmnt one too; clearly saw that even though me n my cousins’ wife were both born/raised abroad, and that we both have love marriages, the difference btwn us (morals/values, respect wise) was like nite and day…u guys don’t know her, i do…so i am not judging her, i know how she is…but u lot seem to be judging me just cos i said she (and my cousin) was shameful…which they were, no doubt about it…the most “modern” or “abcd” of my cousins even agreed on the fact that our cousin and his bride were so stupid for the stuff that was going on…even my half-white girl cousin who has no idea about paki culture, at least knew THAT MUCH, that these two had crossed the line and gave no respect to the fact that elders were around…and i’m not bragging or anthing, but honestly anyone (even my in-laws) will tell u how decent our engmnt. was…my point is, there is a time and place for everything. **Again, you know the whole story but I said what I said based on what you wrote and all you wrote in your initial post was the dancing. You don’t want to get into it, fair enough, but plz don’t feel attacked because we don’t know the whole story **
I don’t understand ur comment on y u think it’s sick, if everyone expects u to be quiet etc. on ur wedding…sorry, but i think u really r an “abcd”, cos on one hand u seem to back up arranged marriages and ur parents choice n all that…but then sometimes u make comments like these (how first dances and being loud etc on ur wedding wud be ok)…
**
I’ve been brought up in 2 extremely differnet cultures and I have every right to pick and choose which aspects I like and which I don’t. Unless you’ve been following every single post I’ve made, you don’t know my views on many things, what parts of desi culture i support, and what parts of american culture I support. The only problematic thing would be if those things from either culture went against Islam. That’s the only thing that concerns me, going against Islam; I really don’t care about culture or zaat or caste or whatever.
**
i just don’t get it…u know, in our culture the girl “leaves the house” rite…it is a very sad thing for the girls’ side…i think if u look at most cultures u’ll notice girls r shy at the wedding…hence the term “blushing bride”, **blushing bride is not the same thing as parashaan bride 
**
and there’s a certain charm to it…i’m gonna be crying my eyes out on my wedding day - at rukhsati time - i just know it…u just get caught up in the moment…i have seen happy brides in our culture, they smile, talk even and i’m sure they were happy and even excited but when the nite goes on then it does getter sadder…ur sad cos ur family is “losing” u…but happy at the same time for starting ur new life with ur husband…it’s bitter sweet…just wot i believe.
**You’re right, i know i might get very emotional when it comes time to leave and i’ll start crying and ruin hours and hours of makeup I don’t think I would have hte nerve to dance in front of everyone either but I guess I wasn’t clear before, I know you can be perfectly happy about getting married but still get emotional when it comes time for Rukhsati and that’s totally fine. What i meant was that if a girl wants to get married period, she’s seen as weird or even perverted!! It seems all the girls who don’t want to get married are getting the rishtas by the minute. I think i mentoined it before, but my mom and i fought about this not too long ago and i don’t agree with the fact that girls are supposed to be totally averse to the idea of marriage. It’s not the behavior at the wedding itself that bothers me so much but rahter the thinking behind it, that she should somehow be “nudged” or even downright forced into something that’s supposed to be beautiful and natural.
**
Re: Arrgghh!!
Fraudz, Well i’m definately not independent then…my parents approved of my choice cos they love me…sure, i have a lot of freedom which i’m grateful for…but believe me, i cannot do as i please about a lot of stuff.
The person’s motive…well, he wants me to come over there so that he can get to know me and so that i can see the enviroment where i will be living after the wedding…i know this is wot his intention was, becos this is wot my fiance has told me himself…but the way i see it is, i will be comin there very soon…and that, just cos i’m engaged doesn’t mean i can act like a whole different girl who i wasn’t even before the engmnt…i have my own self-respect u know, and wot i think is rite and wrong, and wot i think is good n bad for me…that’s wot this is about…arrgghh, i think i’m just going round in circles with u guys in this thread cos u don’t seem to understand wot i’m trying to say…but it’s ok…and yes i am offended becos i KNOW wot they think about me, i know it’s true thru my fiance…all i’m trying to get across is that i don’t think it shud be ASSUMED that i am like that all of a sudden just cos he popped a ring on my finger in front of our families…i am still the same old girl i was before, same values n all.
As for as my cousin’s wife…please, u don’t have to worry about her being judged…which i am not even doing so…judged wud be if i didn’t know wot she was really like etc…and it’s not just her, i blame both of them…i know them, so i can give my opinion of her…u don’t, but yet u think i’m wrong just for saying that she wasn’t behaving appropriately…no one will say, oh she picked her own husband, to me…cos it’s the same situation as my cousins (love), the difference being my finace and i know how to behave and show respect in front of our family, unlike them…shun us cos it’s a “mixed gathering” i dunno wot u mean by that…but no one we know is that paindu thank God.
I was just letting out my frustration in this thread about my fiance’s friends ASSUMING i was something i am not, and trying to get a better idea of y ppl say things like this, from opening this topic…somehow, just by giving an example of my cousin and his wife, this thread turned into how i am now judging them somehow so wotever guys, i’m finished wondering and trying to get my point across here…me n my fiance r on the same level, that’s wot counts yea…so i’ll forget the rest…thanks to those of u who gave me advice and encouragment
Re: Arrgghh!!
**That’s wat GS is for, venting frustrations… dont worry i deff get ur point and get wat ur sayin, even if u think i’m some dumb abcd 
**
Re: Arrgghh!!
I don’t want every lil thing to be the old-fashioned way…i was talking about the basics…i guess they r slowly diminishing…and i am not back biting, they both know wot we all think of them…i think they cud tell by our faces on the wedding
Re: Arrgghh!!
Sara516, Ok, i got to do wot i wanted and so did she…but it’s the behaviour i guess…i have some “sharam” u know, and it’s genuine, i’m just like that…i know that the love i have for my fiance, it’s btwn me n him…i don’t have to prove it or show it to him in front of my dadi, my puphos, chachus, bro., cousins etc…they didn’t care…they were walking around and i swear it felt like we were at a christian’s or a white person’s wedding…i mean i have no problem at all that they r in love and they chose each other…how can i, i’m in the same boat…but there is a proper way to behave isn’t there? Or r we just as disrespectful to our elders as non-pakis r now…come on, it’s just a bit too much…talk, laugh and enjoy ur wedding day…but do it in a way that doesn’t embarrass the ppl who have loved n raised u all ur life..after all it is a big day for them too…and fair enough, u don’t know the whole story…it’s just too much for me to explain…i’m not feeling attacked but i thought ppl wud just take my word for it, since i was there…guess that’s my naivety…and influence from our “other” culture (non-paki) is fine…but we live that life EVERYDAY…i just personally feel that ur wedding is the one day where u shud go back to ur roots…and it is a big FAMILY function, that’s just how it goes…u have to consider the family too…we have had other ppl in the family get married, and they were love marriages…they went fine, no problems…cos there is a right way to do it…this particular wedding was straight up WRONG in almost every way…but i knew it was gonna be like that before i got there…how? cos i know wot my cousin is like, so see i’m not just blaming his wife…it’s both of them…my cousin has no sense of culture in him…no idea of his faith etc…i’m not perfect but i try, they didn’t bother…o well, it’s a shame…if the bride is “parashan”, then i don’t balme her…and u gotta keep in mind her personality…or maybe it’s nerves…and of course if it’s an arranged deal then of course she will be anxious…it’s much more relaxed obviously at a love wedding…maybe u’ve seen brides who have been forced into being more sad or something…i haven’t so i won’t say anything about that…cos the ones i have seen, are naturally feeling a bit sad too, as well as happy…apart from this one “bhabi”
And yea i guess ppl do vent here at GS...Lolz, but i think it's not a good idea for me to do so in the future...thank u :flower2: but i don't think ur dumb...just confused hehe :blush:
Re: Arrgghh!!
I am not confused 
Re: Arrgghh!!
yeah we sould be allowed ATLEAST laugh at our own wedding......akhir its our wedding yaar.....we can observe every Tom dick and herry dancing in weddings...but why cant becharay dulha and dulhan.....they are labelled as"besharams" if they laugh or talk to eachother ....ughhhh....why should they sit like dumbos on their DAY.....aur baki sab nachtay phirain....
Re: Arrgghh!!
** The person's motive...well, he wants me to come over there so that he can get to know me and so that i can see the enviroment where i will be living after the wedding...i know this is wot his intention was, becos this is wot my fiance has told me himself...but the way i see it is, i will be comin there very soon...and that, just cos i'm engaged doesn't mean i can act like a whole different girl who i wasn't even before the engmnt...i have my own self-respect u know, and wot i think is rite and wrong, and wot i think is good n bad for me...that's wot this is about...arrgghh, **
I was not questioning your fiance's intentions or views but his friends'
It would probably be much more effective if you communicatethis to your fiance and he puts a stop to it.
i think i'm just going round in circles with u guys in this thread cos u don't seem to understand wot i'm trying to say...but it's ok...and yes i am offended becos i KNOW wot they think about me, i know it's true thru my fiance...
If your fiance's frinds do not keep you in high regard then it is his responsibility to set them straight ans stand up for you.
*all i'm trying to get across is that i don't think it shud be ASSUMED that i am like that all of a sudden just cos he popped a ring on my finger in front of our families...i am still the same old girl i was before, same values n all. *
what do you mean by "like that" in your view a girl who is not married yet cant go to meet her fiance? heck I know girls who have gone to help their fiance pick out a condo before they got married because they wanted to move into their own place after getting married and both wanted to have a say. Are you suggesting that these girls dont have values or that somehow their values are not quite as good as yours?
**
i know how to behave and show respect in front of our family, unlike them...shun us cos it's a "mixed gathering" i dunno wot u mean by that...but no one we know is that paindu thank God.**
knowing how to behave and show respect varies from person to person. There are large variances among people in the same family. I am glad to hear that you dont have swuch paindus in your family that will get offended by mixed gatherings, or girls dancing at mehndis and so on and so forth. Hey maybe yer cuz and his wife thought the same..and you proved them wrong ;)
** I was just letting out my frustration in this thread about my fiance's friends ASSUMING i was something i am not, and trying to get a better idea of y ppl say things like this, **
I am still quite intrigued and shocked why your fiance has not told his friends to shut their trap and drop the topic. If one of my frineds did not respect my wife, I would drop him on the spot.
Re: Arrgghh!!
Sara516, ok ur not…i am alrite now
BarbieGirl, good point
Fraudz, i knew u were questioning the friends’ intentions. I don’t know wot to tell u. Those guys r like his own brothers, he disagrees with them mostly but doesn’t want everyone to fall out…and i know that will never happen…he said sometimes maybe it’s just the way they have said it…i was cross with their comments yes, but i just wanted to say in this post that i think ppl shouldn’t judge others cos it hurts sometimes, that’s all. And no, u have me all wrong…by “like that”, i simply meant that i’m not the opposite of who i really am, just becos i am engaged now…they thought that i was all to myself, quiet etc becos our relationship wasn’t official or wotever…so after the engmnt, i guess they assumed i wud be my opposite (open, talkative, not shy etc.)…that’s wot my fiance has told them now, that in fact that is my personality, i wasn’t just acting like that before. So no, i am not suggesting the girls u knew had no values etc…besides wot is of value to someone is not to another…i guess u misunderstood and that perhaps i wasn’t clear. My fiance definately wants to drop the topic…he’s hardly ever serious and doesn’t want to think negative…he insists his friends r just joking around and just wanting to meet me very much…he told them to back off and just wait now! But they have been friends too long and r too close, to break off their friendships…and i wudn’t want that to happen anyway…thanks for ur advice
Re: Arrgghh!!
So you went to someone’s wedding and decided to be rude by making faces at them?
Re: Arrgghh!!
Firstly, none of us decided to do anything. And secondly, we were never rude. He’s my cousin not just anyone…if it was someone we barely even knew, then who cares, it wudn’t even be important to us…but when someone in ur family is behaving in a way that actually hurts u, then it’s hard to hide ur feelings sometimes. His own mother (my pupho), his nani, his mamus and khalas…all of them, when we were sitting quietly at our tables…u cud see the heart break in their faces…he is the oldest in this side of our family, and all his uncles n aunts love him to pieces and always thought of him in good ways (we still think, generally he is a good person)…of course we r very happy that he is in love and we did enjoy it too, after all it is a happy occasion (yea, my mum danced a lot and so did some cousins and we were smiling, took good fotos n all that)…but there were times, that i think even he must have noticed, that we all looked pretty worried/concerned/sad/upset/disappointed…even his own siblings…well, i guess if ur not in that situation then u won’t understand it…i’ll leave it at that.