so I need a reason to procrastinate so I thought why not log back onto gupshup after a while and discuss my life problems.
P.S I have read all other threads related to this issue but none of them really have helped.
So the situation is that I just recently have broken up with my boyfriend (5 months ago) because he could not tell his parents about me at all until he was done is degree (3 years from now). I would have waited but there is no guarantee from his side that his parents would agree, and if they absolutely did not he could not leave his family for me. completely understandable. However we are both 23 and I could not wait until I was 26 to get a no. We are both desi.
Anyways since then my parents have been looking for a rishta and they have potentially found a good one (on paper) and I do not know what to do. Because of this breakup I have given up on love, and I have been through the arranged marriage route when I was 20, and that was a disaster. Difference is this time the guy is not from pakistan, but from where I live (canada). I don’t know if I should still believe in love and find a partner to marry, or if I should give this arranged marriage thing a shot again as a way to meet potential partners. I’m scared that for the arranged marriage route as I might not find love or get a dead beat kind of love because I dont get to fully know the person. And I’m scared for the love marriage route because I am tired of getting to know a person only to breakup. I see no point in that investment then.
What are your guys thoughts, experiences, or suggestions on how to approach this issue?
Thank you all for your help <3.
Get to know the guy your parents have found. If things don’t click from the first meeting, then move on from him. However, if u both DO click and if he’s interested as well, then tell him that you’d like to spend some time getting to know him before making any decision…that way you both are on the same page. Then just get to know him and do istikhara at the same time.
If your bf truly loved you, he wouldn’t let you go so easily. He could have also met you half way and agreed to an engagement at least or cut the time a bit shorter than 3 years, etc etc. Three years is a very long duration and in that timespan many things can change, including feelings. Your BF isn’t that bothered by the idea of you considering other rishtay and possibly getting snagged up by another guy, so is it really “love” that you have lost out on? Also, I feel that the longer a relationship drags on before marriage, the greater the chances for problems creeping up..just my opinion. You’re not gonna know if it’s “real love” until you’re actually living under the same roof with the guy and going through life’s ups and downs with him. It’s easier to make romantic proclamations before marriage when you’re not actually living with the person. Just like with friendships…you find out who your true friends are over time…they’re the ones that are there for you and will go the distance for you. A guy who…after getting to know you…goes the distance by taking steps to make an official commitment is better than the guy who lets it drag on and and and on and on…who doesn’t get parents involved…no?
It’s not necessary that your experience with this guy that your parents have found will be exactly the same as the one you had when you were around 20 years old. You might connect with him better since he lives in Canada like you. So, give him a shot. If you don’t like him, then keep searching.
I don’t think waiting to tell parents is an issue IMO. It’s what his thoughts about you and the relationship are. If he is okay to walk away if his parents say no or object then that tells you something. You always want to be with someone who values you and is willing to work things out and take a stand for you.
I think you should look into the rishtas your parents are getting and who knows you might even like the guy. Spend some time and get to know him and maybe this arranged marriage can turn into a love one.
Most people confuse infatuation and attraction for love. Without actually living with the person it is not love. You basically just fantasize about how he is going to treat you and in most cases that fantasy comes crashing down.
What is your definition of fully knowing the person? Just because your parents found the guy, that doesn’t mean that you have to marry someone without knowing them. I know several couples that were introduced by their parents, but the couple spent several months talking (phone/text/e-mails) and spent time together (lunch, coffee, other events based on mutual interest etc.) before deciding to proceed with marriage. Did your parents tell you that you have to say “yes” or “no” right now without meeting/talking to the guy over a period of a few months?
Marriage is a risk no matter what. You do not fully “know” a person until you start living with them and time (few months/years) go by. It’s best to find someone with similar background/upbringing and spend time with them to make sure you’re compatible in your interests/religious beliefs/views and expectations from future spouse etc. But at the end of the day, marriage is a risk either way.
My personal suggestion is to STOP “getting to know” guys who are not serious about marriage right now if marriage is your goal. You should have had the “when do you see yourself getting married/introducing someone to your parents” with your ex-bf within the first few weeks of meeting him. That would/should have prevented you from getting attached to someone who is not ready to make a commitment right now. Your parents found a guy in Canada. You have nothing to lose by meeting this guy. Go meet him for lunch or coffee at a public place and see what you think. You may feel 0 chemistry in which you case say “no”. But you may end up liking him and may want to get to know him more. You won’t know until you actually meet him.
Redvelvet you are so bang on! When I told him about the other potential rishta to maybe show some initiative all he was doing was making suggestions on how I should get my parents to wait for another 3 years until he is ready to tell his. Goddamn, I should have seen his true colors shine through right then but I kept making excuses for him and his situation. Never agaaain! Im glad I brought it up and didn’t let this situation go otherwise I would have wasted more time. Thank you for this dose of reality !
I am definitely going to be giving this matchmaking/arranged marriage route a chance. I hope it works out for the best!
samee, I dont think waiting was the issue, it was the uncertainty present at the end that is iffy. I hope that happens too! Where do you find good guys like that
To Paheli: I have been trying to get my parents to understand I cannot marry a person without getting to know them, but they are lame on this topic. They think that aside from the first convo, we dont need to meet a billion times to make a decision. Which sucks.
I did have this convo with him. I asked him when he would introduce me and when we would get married. He said after school, but he meant after his degree (4 years ) , and I thought he was going to do it after getting his diploma (2 years). I should have been more clear about this but he was my first boyfriend, I didnt want to be the pushy relationship type that early on in the relationship.
Will be trying arranged route out, thank you paheli for ur input !
That’s the risk with arranged marriage, if i dont get to know the person as well. Through my relationship, it was different in that the infatutation phase did wear off, and personally from my side love was there. Love is what causes this fantasy too, imho.
Fantasizing about a person is not love. Love is a monument of memories built one brick at a time over a period of time. It can only happen when you live together. If he is kind, gentle warm, appreciates you on a daily basis and puts sacrifices in and is understanding when you are in a foul mood etc that builds love. Every negative thing he does takes away seven positive things
Agreed, that love is about sacrifices and memories built over time. But it does not have a set time period, it can develop months in or years in. It can happen if you live apart too, it’s just when you live together it’s a stronger bond because you see eachother everyday. Love is a stability and provides more comfort than infatuation can ever bring. We should write a poem book lol.
You trusted your parents judgment/decision and married your first husband by following their rules. Look how that turned out. Hopefully one of the lessons you learned through your experience is that parents don’t always know best.
You’re 23 years old. Not a child. Take control of your own life and your own future. Your parents don’t need to understand or agree with your choice to get to know a person by talking/meeting with them over a period of few months. They just need to respect your choice because the decision to marry will effect YOUR future moving forward. You don’t need to ask them for their approval about this or convince them that is the best way to do this. You need to simply tell them respectfully that this is the ONLY way you will consider marrying someone they introduce to you. Let them know that if they can respect your decision, then they are free to introduce to any guy they want. If they disagree, then they should not waste their time OR yours because you will not say “yes” to any guy after meeting him only once.
