Haven’t you always wondered what really happens in an arranged marriage? How is the bride selected? How is the groom chosen? What are they thinking about while making this choice? What do their respective parents think? Now, finally, we have some answers! In an investigative report conducted by the author and a team of 29 topnotch investigators a much clearer picture of what really happens has emerged. This report presents the facts.
The Selection Process:
It is never easy finding a bride or a groom. That is the reason The Guy Upstairs created
the middleman (go-between) who is usually
a woman. Of course, in the space-age we live in it could also be a computer matching the couple-to-be, but more likely would be the
“Wanted” ads in the major newspapers where a typical matrimonial for a bride runs as follows:
Wanted; Tall, fair, beautiful, cultured,
professional girl for well-settled, Punjabi
Punjabi khatri boy in his late twenties,
drawing a 5 figure income. Caste, creed, religion no bar. Sex baar-baar.
Translation:
We are desperate! We have a 29 1/2 year old son who’s never been on a date. He earns very
little which he blows on booze and gambling anyway. We don’t give a sh*t who the girl
is as long as she has a decent reputation. And the guy is getting desperate!
A typical matrimonial for a groom usually goes like this:
Wanted; Tall, handsome, well-settled, professional
boy, 26-28 yrs. for fair, beautiful, homely
Aggarwal girl finishing her MA this year. Send returnable photo.
Translation:
We are sick and tired of all these bozos we’ve been seeing for our daughter! We want to marry her off before she starts getting ideas of a career and gets out of hand. Her boyfriends are beginning to become a pain in the a*s. Non-Aggarwals need not apply! And dorks; stay away!
Either through the newspaper or the go-between (usually the massi’s bhabhi’s younger sister’s friend’s aunt who has
nothing better to do than make matches and then bore the whole world with details of all the “successes” she’s had with getting
people together!) the respective parents finally narrow the list to the “good” prospects. Then comes the harrowing part of
going to teas (and dinners) to meet the meat. The shopping is underway!
Boy Meets Girl; Girl Meets Boy; Girl’s Younger Sisters go to the Movies.
This is the crucial stage! First impressions last for a long, long time and word-of-mouth about lousy first impressions can ruin ones future prospects. So, it’s time for the finest silk and polyester to come forth and drape the girl and guy, respectively. The guy arrives in the traditional white >pants (flared), 2" thick black belt, white “dress” shoes with brown heels, and hair (shoulder length) combed back with lots of brylcream.
The girl’s parents take one look and gasp for breath. “Was this the guy Maindhoondtihoon Behen recommended so highly!?” they wonder. The younger brother blurts out, “Hello, so you are the new bakra !?” and is quickly silenced and sent to the other room never to be seen or heard from again.
After the usual “Namastes-jees” and “Beta idhar aake bethos” the BIG moment arrives. The bride-to-be-or-not-to-be arrives all decked out in the finest silk sari that her
mom could borrow from the neighbors. Tea set in hand (which, of course, belongs to Mrs.
Merateasetlelo down the street) she walks
towards the groom-to-be-or-not-to-be a little hesitatingly. Her parents look at her adoringly forgetting for that instant all the
hassles they had to go through to get her to agree to see this highly recommended catch. She peeks at the guy and almost faints!
What are they all thinking about, you ask? Our extensive interviews indicate the following trains of thought and what they
actually say when the girl enters:
Bride-to-be-or-not-to-be:
(Eeeks! I spend the rest of my life with this!
Hello (to the guy) Namastejee (to the ma and pa)
Groom-to-be-or-not-to-be: (Drooldrooldrool Hmmm…I wonder if my drool is very obvious? Maybe I should wipe it off…?)
Namaste (to the girl).
Guy’s Dad: (Hmm.I wonder if Mr. Ladkikabaap has any pull in the Ministry)
Namaste beti.
Guy’s Mom: (Did I just see her stoop to the left a little when she walked…?)
Beti mere paas aake baitho .
Gal’s Dad: (Hmmm..I wonder if Mr. Droolerkabaap has any pull in the Industry..)
Beti chai idhar rakh do
Gal’s Mom: (God, I hope she doesn’t drop the tea pot all over him…)
Yeh chai Hotbabe beti ne banai hai
With this the small talk takes over as
everyone drinks the tea (prepared, of course, by the cook!). The usual questions are asked
pertaining to the girl’s life history in general. The guy just stares at his cup
of tea wondering what to say or do. The
girl’s dad notices his daughter being grilled and decides to step in and save her with:
Gal’s Dad: Beta, tum bahut chup-chup hoe…
Guy: (Flustered) Gulp Jee, Jee… Blush (a manly one though)
Guy’s Mom (to the rescue!): Ajee yeh tow aisa he hai. Zyaada bolta-balta nahi.
Girl: (Thinks --Yeah, sure!)
Guy’s Dad: Bhai aapki doosri ladkiyaan nahi
dikhai deteen.
Gal’s Mom: Woh, woh picture dekhne gayi
hain…
Guy’s Mom (the ever suspicious one thinks):
Hmmm…I wonder why? Must ask Maindhoondihoon Behen about them..
While all this is transpiring, the guy’s mom is doing some fast thinking for the future of her son. Her suspicion of the “stoop while the girl walked” has blossomed into a “I’m
certain she stooped to the left while she was walking.” She blurts out:
Guy’s Mom: Beti, zara chal ke dikhana…
Girl: Kya!?!
Guy: (Mouth open, drools – a small puddle is now visible on the floor.)
A pregnant pause ensues. Things are definitely not going well. Besides, the samosas are too salty.
Then the girl’s mom diplomatically says:
Gal’s Mom: Haan, haan Hotbabe beti. Joe aunty kehti hain karke dikha do.
Girl: (A more disbelieving) Kya!?!
So, very reluctantly, she gets up to do “The Walk” that could well determine her fate and future. After a tantalizing (to the guy) and
agonizing (to the girl) 2 minutes the guy’s mom looks visibly satisfied realizing that the girl’s stoop was an optical illusion
created by the high refractive index of the silk Kanjivaram sari she is wearing.
Meanwhile, the girl’s looking at the guy as if asking, “Now, let’s see you pull that off!” Seeing the obvious stare the guy gets a
little flustered wondering, “Maybe she is
‘forward’. The way she’s looking at me…” The meaning of the stare is completely lost
on him.
The Decision:
The crucial point is fast approaching. A decision is to made about the future course of action and whether these two lonely hearts are to be united or an attempt at doing so
looked into further.
Girl’s Mom: Haan, tho behenjee, phir aapka kya khyaal hai…
Guy’s Mom: Ajee, behenjee, hamare kehne say kya hota hai. Aajkal ke zamane mein tho ladka-ladki maan jaye yahi kafi hai hamare liye.
Girl’s Dad: Bhai, ladka bhi yahin hai aur ladki bhi. Inhe he baat karne do phir…
Guy’s Dad: Haan, haan. Hum beech mein kabab mein haddi kyun bane.
HA HA HA!!
Guy: (Looks all around with a what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this-agony
look) Gulp
Girl: (Feeling a sense of euphoria coming on and realizing that this was it – A ONE-ON-ONE!!) Forced Blush (Writer’s
Interjection: Yes, folks, it is possible to do that without much makeup. One just has to think of the time when one was caught necking
with one’s boyfriend in the park.)
The One-on-One (a.k.a. The End):
This is it! This is the moment she has been waiting for. Now there is no hiding
behind mummyjee’s generous behind for Mr.
Shadi-karane-chale-the-bhaisaab! In an effort to “take control of the situation” out hero initiates the talk…
Guy: You look bhery one-durr-full…
Girl: (Controlling the smirk) Thanks. So,
what are you doing these days?
Guy: I am between jobs now. Spend lots of time at home these days…
Girl: And what do you do at home (“Help mummy with the samosas I bet,” she thinks)?
Guy: Oh, I read lots of magazines…
Girl: What are you favorite ones…?
Guy: Oh, Stardust, Femina, Eve’s Weekly and others…
Girl: (Almost rolls over in hysterics) Oh…mmmmmffff…achcha…
Guy: Would you like to go summ-dhay to a ress-traant…
Girl: Ummm…I don’t think so…
Guy: (Devastated look) Oh…
The end is near (as any person can tell by now) to this entire ordeal for our
heroine-of-the-moment. Of course, next time the tables could be turned and the whole situation reversed! The amazing thing is
that when a rejection is conveyed it is always a two-sided deal.
That is, the girl and boy reject each other simultaneously. One never hears that the girl/boy rejected the other. It’s as if the decision is reached at the same instant in time. And so, after all this, we find that
their respective egos are still intact for the next such encounter!