Arranged marriage - question for people who went through?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

All of a sudden my parents have started talking about my marriage, proposals, referrals blah blah. I am so unable to accept this. I am totally not mentally prepared but my parents say i am of the appropriate age now. I want to go forward with Masters but they say what is the problem if we engage you while you study.

Now proposals come on phone on and off but i am so scared to go forward with anything. I just do not let any one come to my home till now. It is probably fear of the unknown but it is a bit too much. I have a million questions roaming about in my mind all the time. Its just very hard to accept that now it is my age for getting married and i should mentally accept it now.

how did you people get through with this phase of fear of the unknown and mentally accepting?

2

well many fears arise at this stage k pata nahe log kesay hn gay ya larka ya larki kesi hogi ravayye k hissan se ya logon ki asaliyat kia ha? if ur doing in out of family.

baaqi apki apni choice ko bhi madd-e-nazar rakhna chahye.

fears is waja se bhi aa saktey hn if u are in love with someone. all this also depends on u. aur ye bhi zaruri nahe hota k agar koi khoobsurat ho to wo apko pasand bhi aa jaey. it depends on ur choice.

but jahan tk mein ne dekha ha, arrange marriages love marriages se ziada kaamyaab rehti hn. lekin ab iska ye bhi matlb nahe ha k love marriages nahe honi chahiyen.

again it depends upon ur choice ar parents ko bhi apni pasand aulaad pe zabardasti thonsni nahe chahye otherwise result bhi wesa hi hota hai shadi ka aur aesi shadyan bhi ziada tr nakaam ho jati han. aur agar kaamyaab chal bhi rahi hon tb bhi aurat sirf majbooran apne maan baap ka naam rakhnay k liay aesa krti ha warna wo uski apni choice nahe hoti.

barhaal! Allah se umeed rakhein Insha Allah Allah behter sabab peda karega.

:)

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Re: Arranged marriage - question for people who went through?

Its a slow process...this accepting of the arranged marriage idea. I would say start talking to the people so you see their actually all normal and probably have the same fears as you. Talking doesnt mean "YES"...it means "Lets see who this person is"...so do that.

Whatever you do, take it slow. :)

4

Guys feel nervous about the rishta process as well. And you're right, a lot of it does have to do with a fear of the unknown. It's scary to base a decision that will impact your whole life based on a meeting that lasted only a few hours.

MashaAllah, I think it's wonderful that you're have plans of getting a Master's Degree. I have my Master's Degree and i encourage u to go for it because it helps make you a stronger individual. And it doesn't hurt to get paid a little more, right? LOL!

Every rishta that comes to your house is not a guarantee of acceptance. So, don't think that the prospective suitor is definitely going to be your spouse. You might reject him, he might reject you, your families might even reject each other! Similarly, you might meet someone totally amazing that clicks with you and your family. Your parents have no problems with you finishing your Masters while possibly being engaged. Trust me, there are some parents who are sooo against their daughters getting a Master's Degree because they foolishly believe that it will hinder her rishta chances and that she shouldn't appear smarter than the guy.

It's so tough to find a good partner these days, it's a problem many parents are facing. I'm sure you must one day want a wonderful spouse. And you can have a great spouse AND a Master's Degree. Both of these can be accomplished, hon. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Communicate with your parents. Tell them what you want in a guy. Talk to the guy, get to know him well and during your conversation and ask him about things that matter to you in a spouse. And if you feel that someone is not right for you, turn them down. I doubt your parents will force you to get married against your will. And when you and your family meet the right guy, everthing will fall into place nicely.

Go ahead and start applying for your Master's Degree and taking your Graduate Record Exam. And it's best to get started on this now so there's little course work left after marriage. Your goals won't come to an end because of a rishta search. A rishta search does not mean a definite yes.....it's like meeting new people:) Telling yourself this will help to reduce your fears a bit. Best wishes!

5

It appears these are the first block of 'the' proposals you have gotten. No need to panic, looking into a proposal does not mean you are committing yourself in marrying that person. The meeting and knowing part might help you in knowing what you really want in your spouse in future. So, like others suggested, take it as a learning experience. I know for a fact it can be quite frustrating at times but just keep your cool and all shall go fine InshAllah. :)

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Re: Arranged marriage - question for people who went through?

Never got a chance to get used to mine, not even after marriage... But I can't go into details about what happened because of many reasons, one of the reasons is that then again I will hear that I complain too much and that I live in the past, so I can't give details. Besides, giving an opinion about something can become dangerous, people later use it against you when they search excuses to be negative towards you.

For your interest and to hear what it's like for other people, you can read everyones experiences, but it only gives you an idea of what it could be like. Each person is different, maybe what does or doesn't work for one person, won't or will work for you.

I wish you a life as you'd it to be though.

7

First thing's first, are you male or female? most replies here seem to think the latter.

I think the consensus so far is that you should go through with what your parents want, and I say I agree. Sorry to be a bit blunt, but if you;re getting your master's then, you should be mature enough to get married, unless your one of those genius kids that skipped 4 years of school. If you wait to search until after you finish your degree, then you might run into problems like being rejected for age differences.

If you're a girl, go to the GS wedding forum and you will definitely be mentally prepared to get married- there are a barrage of daydreaming girls, bride-to-be's, and newlyweds that talk about nothing but the big wedding day and their wonderful hubby and with all the discussion, you'll be sure to start planning your own wedding and will want nothing more than to get married ;). just take a look at those wedding highlight videos... If you're a guy, and are concerned about A) the commitment B) the responsibility or C) leaving bachelorhood, then get to know other muslim brothers that are married or were married at your age, talk to them and see what their life is/was like. It may actually be wiser for you to wait until you have a job.

On a serious note, the search process takes time, which can range from months to years. You're parents are right, you can get engaged while studying, and get married whenever you're ready. your parents aren't saying don't go for the master's.

When I started professional school, almost everyone I knew was engaged, in a serious relationship, or married, so your age is about right. Once you start school, you'll see the singletons fret over finding the right person or getting married, so there's no harm in starting to look now and being ahead of the game :). Start inviting prospects, theres a very very low chance that you will accept your first rishta, so don't worry so much, these first few will give you a chance to loosen up and get used to the process before the ones that matter come along.

8

hi there...
i will just share my experiene with you...i guess we all here are just sharing our own experiences and well, like one guppy said, everyone percieves situations differently, so best you be objective,
i have been married 4 yrs now, mine was arranged too, and i know many of you will think i was stupid but what can i say, i was just plain naive when i agreed to marry the forst guy that was brought in front of me..
i wish i had given myself a chance,you know if my parents were ok to leave th edecisoon on me , i think today i should have most of that authoruty to decide or pick after few choices placed in front of me and not just blindly say "jo app ki marzi abba".
parents never think ill for child but after all they are humans and their generations were differnt than ours and i gues if we are going out on our own and mingling in society independently , we should give ourselves a chance to choose if multiple rishtas are placed in front of us.
not saying i am not happy , i guess i can say i am content,but wish i was happy.crazy happy.
hope it helps.

9

When I first started reading your post, it sounded like you probably were 18 or 19... but later you mention that you were going for your masters, I realized that you are around 24 or 25 years old.

I can be very positive that I smell a past affair gone bad, and thus, you do not want to bring another relationship in until you are completely over with it. Education sometimes is a good excuse for the general public and our own parents.

Am I right?

(These are just my assumption. It can be wrong... but don't think I am attacking you in anyway or degrading or picking on you).

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Re: Arranged marriage - question for people who went through?

Snazzy, you post goodstuff.

11

NJmasti,
I havent had any affair at all throughout my life, let alone it going bad. :) I am 23 years of age at present. The reason why i am saying i am not mentally prepared is because i am the youngest of 4 siblings. I have been pampered like anything throughout my life and maybe that is why i am pretty dependent on everyone to do everything for me. This may be the major reason why i am not mentally prepared to go for the marriage thing.

Katabi Muhabbat kahan?!?!
Katabi Muhabbat kahan?!?!
12

Snazzy,
Firstly,I am a female. I didnt skip school or anything. As i have already mentioned in a post, i am 23 years old yes mature of age for marriage but not ready for it. Well, i think you all are right that i should let my parents go forward with it and if they want an engagement fine with it but i will make sure in telling them that i will get married after my Masters only i.e after 2 years as i dont think i am one of those people who can balance studies with married life.

13

lol - AbraCadab - how come God is not playing an important role here (j/k)

my brother is 25 and he wants a year or 2 to settle down then marry...

(i'm not proposing or anything for my bro - but just made me think - lol )

Katabi Muhabbat kahan?!?!
14

Abra,

I would say its the fear of the unknown… let the rishta’s visit you… its not like you will be asked to marry the first person that comes to your home ! right?

have faith in your parents and yourself and let the ball roll … with time , you will feel more confident of making the right choice… I remember in my case it took me about 6 years ! people came and came and came and i never liked anyone …

eventually mom dad almost gave up ! and i thought they were going to tie me up and get me married !!!

But eventually i did find a good family , the experience of meeting so many people only gave me a better eye to choose the right partner … and I must admit i was so nervous with one of the rishta’s that I actually missed the chair that i was about to sit in and fell on the floor ! :omg:

but after a while I realized its not like THEY have to judge me , its me who has to make the choice … and that made me alot more calmer and comfortable with people… :@:

Timepass - February
15

Re: Arranged marriage - question for people who went through?

Usually, once us girls hit the age of 22.. graduated from college etc our parents throw the "proposal" bombs around.. dont let it bother u..
if your decided that u want to go for ur masters degree do it.. but let them look.. it wont hurt.. the process takes a lot of time and that way u can start ur studies and stay in the downlo.. it took my parents a whole 2 years before they came along a good enuff rishta to introduce to me.. my conditions were pretty steep too.. and he was the first person to say that he had no problem with anything i put forward..
its true that studies take a back seat after marriage but it totally depends on ur husband and his family.. so make sure u clear things with him about ur plans regarding ur education.. waiting a yr or 2 is easier said than done and usually its the guys' side tht likes to get the process going fast!
dnt worry though! do what u have to do.. and let ur parents do what they want to do.. in the end it is ur choice really! Good luck

Happy Bday to our CM
Happy Bday to our CM