Re: Arranged mangni....
Well let's see. If I meet a girl and I don't get along with her at all, you can bet that we won't get along while being married either.
But if i talk to a girl and feel that we have similar habits and are a good fit, then while not 100% sure, I can still say that there are good chances our marriage would last long if not forever :)
To each their own though. So good luck.
Re: Arranged mangni....
sweetheart unless you saying yes to this guy is literally a matter of life and death where your parents will kill you for saying no..you always have a choice.
yes leave your fate in Allah's hands but if things go south nobody is going to stand by you
lol, sara death isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person. and no, my parents aren't the kind who will force me in to a marriage, but i do feel pressurized by their expectations and worries about me.
Going blind into a marriage doesn't justify your belief in ALLAH, it is pure stupidity. It is YOUR responsibility to search for the most suitable husband who you can spend your life with. Not just sit back with the expectation that your marriage will be successful without fulfilling your responsibility. ALLAH helps those that help themselves. There is no appropriate reason for you to not talk to him before this mangni. Therefore, I think you should inform your parents that you would like to talk to him beforehand, either through Facebook or phone.
Once you have done your job, THAN you can say "agay ALLAH malik hai".
Islam has made search for a spouse so easy, so why are you making it harder by building boundaries for yourself?
first to all, i am not going in to a marriage blindly. there are few things that i know about him that are making me wanting to say yes.
second, i hardly doubt he will tell me that he does drugs, kill people, sleep around even if i do start talking to him or even meet him in person. i am not exactly sure what kind of a information/impression i will gain even if do meet him in person, that i don't already have.
the kind of a impression i have of him is that he is hard working and a simple guy. he doesn't have that great of a sense of humor, or extremely intelligent. but he is very decent, NOT chichora. have a degree, job, so my guess is he isn't dumb.
Honestly the only reason i want to talk to him, is just to feel good about that possible engagement, or maybe wanting to get to know him only so all those negative thoughts (what if he is a serial killer sort of things.....:p) get off of my mind.
don't judge me please. i am not dumb, or immature (at least i guess i am not). this isn't my first rishta either. i got my first rishta in when i was 18 and said no to him, because he didn't seem like that independent sort of a guy that i wanted to be married to. after that i have said NO to sooo many proposals because they weren't meeting my requirements, or my gut feelings told me so. i am 25 right now, in last 7 years i have refused at least 7 or 8 proposals due to various reasons. This time, that current guy doesn't come under any of those reasons that i had before to refuse a proposal
in past i have seen so many of my close friends going through fail marriages, engagment, nikkah etc.
one of my close friend got nikkah'ed to her first cousin that she knew her entire life, and her entire family could have sweared he is the nicest guy they know. but he cheated on her after the nikkah and forced her to break it off because he didn't wanted to get the blame. no one who knew him believed he could have done that.
another friend of mine got nikkah'ed to a guy in pakistan and come back to america, she talked to him for 2 years before their rukhsati, then went to pakistan and had her rukhsati, and she stayed there for few months, but after they came here, and the guy saw her life style and stuff...i have no idea what, they got divorced only in 4 months of ruskhsati.
there are a lot of other examples like that which i can give of my pakistani, and american friends, but i guess all of you know them too.
i believe that there is only enough that you can get to know about a person before marriage, and i feel like i know that much to make a decision, rest is definitely what i am leaving on ALLAHTALA.....but i really do wanna talk to him....maybe to get the feel of that engagement :)
Re: Arranged mangni....
Allah has written everything for us yes BUT Allah also gave us free will, he gave us brains, Use your free will and use your brain..
Why cant you ask your parents about talking to him?
Re: Arranged mangni....
Well let's see. If I meet a girl and I don't get along with her at all, you can bet that we won't get along while being married either.
But if i talk to a girl and feel that we have similar habits and are a good fit, then while not 100% sure, I can still say that there are good chances our marriage would last long if not forever :)
To each their own though. So good luck.
in my case i 100% disagree with that. What if you meet her while she is going through a bad patch?? when i look at my self, sometimes i have a week or days when i am worried about college/work/home, where i am not what i usually am. Also i am a very social, and friendly person, i think i am very confident too, but when ever i meet someone i don't know i get really awkward as what to talk about, and stuff because i don't know the person, and i don't know how to talk to them without knowing how they are, but that phase only last for a little while and as soon as i get to know that person i am my self. a lot of my really good friend told me that they thought i am a very maghroor/mean person at first but once they get to know me they realized i am not like that at all. i will really really hate if someone judge me while i am on my bad patch, or due to any reason not my self that day.
i really don't think few controlled meetings can give you a clear version of rest of your life. it can give you a clue, which i have right now without meeting him.
Allah has written everything for us yes BUT Allah also gave us free will, he gave us brains, Use your free will and use your brain..
Why cant you ask your parents about talking to him?
i am pretty sure i am using my brain well enough. i have weighted other important things before making up my mind.
only because dating/having a talking relationship isn't in my list of priorities, doesn't mean i am saying yes to this engagement blindly.
Re: Arranged mangni....
To Baynishan:
You're right that this guy is NOT going to tell if if he has a GF, does drugs etc. But there are many other important things that can make or break a marriage. I read the 2 "examples" you gave of your friends who got divorced. In the 1st example where he cheated...well, whether or not it's a love or arranged marriage, neither guarantees that the husband will not cheat on the wife in the future. In the 2nd example, they couple may have "talked" for 2 years....but you don't know what they talked about but he obviously was not prepared for the "lifestyle" on he got here.
And that's the key. BOTH of you being prepared for the "lifestyle". In my humble opinion, you should have a few conversations with this guy (or any other guy) before agreeing to marry him. I'm assuming that if you marry this guy, he will move to the U.S. You should talk to him and find out what HIS expectations are of life in the U.S. What does he expect from his future wife. If he ok with his wife wearing t-shirt/jeans or does he expect salwar/kameez daily. Does he expect home cooked desi means every day. Is he a "neat freak". Does HE know how to cook anything. Does he ever clean his room or does his mom or house maid take care of everything and he's used to not lifting a finger. How does he feel about husband doing house work to help the wife. Or does he believe house work is wife's responsibility only. How many kids does he want. Does he expect his wife to stay home after kids or is he ok with her working. If his education/degree is in Pakistan, what are his educational or career plans after moving to U.S. What are his hobbies. What does he do on a typical weekend. Does he prefer to stay at home and watch a movie or hang out with family........or is he a "social butterfly" who loves to go out, explore new places, and meet people. You said he has a job.....well, what are his thoughts on retirement/saving. If he got a $5000 bonus one year.....would he prefer to spend it on a vacation or major purchase OR would he rather put that money away on a retirement/savings account. What does he do when he has a bad day at work. Does he comes home and lock himself into his room......or does he call up a friend and vent.
I just mentioned some random things above but it's things like this that will effect your daily life once you're married. I know 2 girls who have chosen to marry guys who they never spoke to. Now both constantly argue with their husbands b/c after marriage, the found out that even when it comes to simple daily living, their husbands have a completely different view/expectation that they do. Your parents (and others) can give you his "resume".....but I bet no one bothered to find out what HIS views are on marriage and what he expects out of his marriage and his future wife.
You're right that there is only so much you can find out without living with someone. This guy already met your "basic" requirements. As two mature, educated adults, you two should not have any problem discussing your personal expectations of marriage and your future spouse. While you can not find out "everything" about him........there are some basics that you can discuss which will put your (and his) mind at ease as you move forward with a decision regarding this rishta.
Re: Arranged mangni....
^ you are right, i will definitely try to get to talk to him, and talk about the kind of stuff you mentioned above. even if it is after saying yes, and possible engagement. and if there is something i truly dislike about him, or something that make me feel like i can't spend rest of my life with him, i CAN break off that engagement.
Re: Arranged mangni....
if you have his email add him on ur messenger... if he is into it, good for you and if he's not u might wanna consider ur decision...
dont add on facebook.. u cant talk on fb! ;) thats just weird for a proposal and too publically open...
good luc..
Re: Arranged mangni....
poke him on facebook
Re: Arranged mangni....
I understand you feel pressurised. You feel like your parents will say oh she's rejected another one....they will be ticked of for a day or 2. Is that worth living in regret for the rest of your life? Take charge of your life. You rightly say he won't tell you if he is a bad person. But by talking to someone even on msn you can understand what interests they have and the general vibe you get from them. it is essential to be compatible with your life partner.