I have always wanted to marry here. I always thought I would find someone at university or find someone at work or my dad would have a friend of a friends son. Or prince charming would some how manage to find his way into my life.
Its not like I haven’t tried - I did meet someone at uni who I was friends with - but my parents didn’t agree, I recently met someone on a online matrimonal website - and guess what my parents didn’t agree.
They have this issue with caste - that is unsurmountable like trying to climb a mountain full of jagged rocks with your bare feet. They even have swung Islam into their corner stating that Mohammed (pbuh) married his wife - who was from the same tribe… now they think caste is justifed when it is haraam. And think that all other cultures uphold this nethanderal tradition.
They want me to marry my cousin abroad - who is 5 years younger than me. No education. They say its up to his fate and how he swings it. If thats what you are worried about. But I am finding it hard to accept this - I am scared I am going to be divorced - you can say give it a chance and you should listen to your parents.
But I have always wanted to marry someone from here - due to the cultural similarities, the endless trying fit in with 2 cultures, background similarities and just someone from similiar educational background.
So I don’t know how to make my mind happy in this situation. I don’t want be upset on my wedding day. I always wanted it to be a happy situation. But this is going to be a forced marriage. This is the only guy they have in their precious caste. And i feel its going ruin my life.
Problem its not just my life - its this poor guys. I don’t want him to pluck him out of pakistan and be horrible to him just because I wasn’t for it. But I know inevitably thats the way it will fall.
Have others felt like this? How did you overcome such negative thoughts?
I know what I wrote may seem childish, ignorant etc but its how I am feeling right now. I know all of you have hoped and dreamed for something at one time or another in your life.
What really has me down are my parents predjudices - they will never change. Its disguisting.
You seem to be very mature and decent girl. The only solution I can think of is to find a job away from your family. Then look for a guy you like to get married to arrange your own wedding and then invite your parents to it.
It cannot happen overnight , you have to plan it all. It is West they cannot chain you down or force an adult girl to sacrifice her life for their stupid traditions. You have to be strong too and come out of your doormat mentality. I know they have invested a lot in you but it was their duty , they brought you in this world. They should have done it without expecting to sacrifice you for their own family or cast.
They should learn their lesson from those rebellious girls who have become bikini models and those who participate in Miss World pageants , or who have kids out of wedlock and are now Islamic feminists leaders.
If your parents chose to live in West they should have known the outcome of raising the kids here. Like the kids will be more open minded and would question every stupid thing from the culture the parents came from. They should not expect to implement their cast system here on the kids who were raised here.
Before anybody starts to bash me for feminism or being naive let me clarify that I am a man and have three kids , one of my boys has recently started to go to university. I see my duty to train my kids to know the right from wrong. The good and the bad and help them make right choices in life till they are adults and are mature enough to make their own decisions.
I have made all the efforts to make them bi-cultural and get the best of both the cultures and follow their religion Islam to the best of their abilities.
I do not see anything wrong with what you want to do and your desire to avoid this forced marriage. Go and have an open and frank talk with your parent about what is wrong with this marriage and what would be the consequences if you sacrifice yourself for their cast pride. Be bold and tough. May Allah be your savior and May Allah get you out of this pickle. Ameen.
Very well said Mirch. I agree. It would be a tough road for you Pink, but if you feel that strongly about it (as you should) then it's worth fighting for. I would only add that if you are willing to go that route, you get yourself set first (job, place etc.) and then talk to your parents again and tell them how you feel. IF they continue in their way of thinking without listening to reason, then you should take steps to look for someone on your own.
Your first step would be tell your parents there is no way in hell this wedding is happening. Do NOT ruin your life with someone you are not prepared to spend the rest of your life with. You recognize that what they are doing is well, stupid. Don't succumb to it. If you stand up for yourself, they will resist A LOT, but in time, they will give in. They will have to. You are their child.
What's the worst that can happen? They'll kick you out? They probably won't be able to do that. IF they do, you are off the hook (which is exactly why they wouldn't - haha).
yea i agree with everything being said you should definetely stand up for what you believe in
one other thing you can do is if your parents aren't listening to you at all is maybe getting someone else to try and talk to them........do you have any other siblings or any other relatives that understand your situation and might be able to talk to them
Pink, this isnt the first time you've posted about the caste situation.
Problem: Parents are against marriages out of their caste.
Sloution: Marry someone abroad, 5 years your junior, someone you dont even like BUT he is in your caste? Is this it?
Listen, your parents are never going to change because that is how they were raised. You cannot control them. The only person in your control is yourself.
Pinkorchid, you seem to be in a tough situation. The advice given above is really helpful. You are your parents child at the end of the day, so they should really want the best for you. Having been brought up in the west also, it seems you are being put into an uncomfortable situation. The caste issue is important to alot of people, I have discussed it in general terms with my parents before, and the reasons they gave for it (no necessarily related to marriage) were reasonable enough interms of attitude and ways of doing things. However, the person they seem to be matching you with sounds uncompatible in a hundred other ways! How old are you? Are they panicking that you won't get any other rishtey? If so, if it is the case, perhaps convince them that you are happy for them to choose who you marry, but it has to be someone who you think you could get along with. Mention with reasons why you would struggle to make it work with this cousin. Surely they have to listen to your concerns. I may be really lucky, alhumdulillah, but I just can't imagine parents forcing their child to marry somebody who is completely uncompatible!
On the other hand, if you think about it with an open mind, marrying somebody from here may not be the only best option to you. I always kind of thought that I would marry somebody here who understood what it was like to live here, but it is all about kismet and the person my parents thought was best for me isn't. But I have seen my parents anguishing over whether we would get on and our similarities and differences etc. So I just don't see how parents could make you marry a guy younger than you (yes it would really bother me) and somebody who has no similarity in education! From what I have seen the education thing does seem to get inbetween people.
I know I couldn't just leave my parents as some people have said, but if they are that unreasonable, and you are strong enough, then that would be a last resort for you.
Inshallah things will be ok, just talk to your parents. One step at a time, talk to them about not marrying this cousin first, and then the kind of person you would actually like to marry.
Sorry for the essay, I hope things get better.
Thanks guys - I have defended myself - so I think it is a matter of time before they understand. I think Mirch is very right - I need stop being a doormat, I need to show them I am a independant women and maybe they will back off. Thank you.