There is one thing which has always bothered me that if someone is meeting “someone” for potential rishta, don’t you guys thing that the next person will always try to show the “best” of their personality just to impress ? It doesn’t matter if its a guy or a girl.
For example, lets say i meet a girl and we upfront say that we are seeing each other for “possibility of rishta”. Lets say I am desperate to get hooked and I might try to be nice, be humble, show off all those things which possibly a decent girl want just to impress her so that we can get married.
For that reason, I am always very skeptical when someone tells me that they met someone for rishta perspective and the next person seemed quiet nice. Well, of course they will be nice because they are meeting you to get married. For that one reason, I have always avoided such meeting.
What do you guys say ?
p.s:
the reason i gave my example is that i don’t want to put some words and lets this forum an excuse to fight over the example rather than actual question.
Yes, you are right, in an arranged set up people are at their best behaviour. But sometimes they don’t have to act all nice because this is the way they are.
Well I don’t like the arrange marriage set up anyways. So yeah!
It’s not the best measure but rishta horror stories of my friends tells me the first meeting can be quite revealing. Some folks don’t know they’re doing something wrong and totally expose themselves badly. One friend saw the main guy had a nice phone while his sister’s were carrying Nokias. She randomly put that in conversation and he was super dismissive that why would girls need nice phones. That was the end of that and they later found out the girls went to govt schools while their son was fully private. Who needs that kind of misogyny in their life? Another friend had a dude come in and flop down down on the sofa as if he was in his bedroom and started changing channels on their TV. Like folks who are truly weird will show it sooner or later.
Of course the possibility is there. But not everyone is good at faking things like being nice, humble, respectful etc. Not only the rishta prospects themselves but plenty of family members also do/say things that end rishta talks. If it was so easy for people to fake who they are in order to lead to a wedding, then we wouldn’t hear all these rishta “horror” stories.
I have heard this but I don’t know how/why this works?
If someone is trying to be who they aren’t, then definitely problems will occur after marriage so why does anyone pretend? Getting married isn’t enough, one needs to be compatible to continue being married as well. Isn’t it better to show true self before and walk away if unsuitable?
for some people, all what matters is to get married. they don’t think if that married would be successful or not or they think that lets get married and will see the rest of the things later.
That’s 100% correct. Specially when it comes to girls they’re pretty good and hiding $hit, guys on the other hand are relatively less.
But when it comes to long casual conversations, getting married to the girl is not the concern of the guys some of the times but in case of girls if they’re talking to a guy most of the time their goal is to get married.
I think the best way to go for is to go for an arranged setup, because you can’t read anything by the cover but family background/lifestyle is the only thing that can tell you a lot about that person.
It’s very easy to tell about a girl by looking at her mother and same applies to the father and son. But if you go for one on one conversation style which is a norm now a days you’ll not be able to see the real person until you marry them.
it will come out in one way or the other .. their real personality will shine through or rear its ugly head depending on what it is .. nobody can keep up a pretense for long
You are right, in some respects, going the arranged marriage route is highly risky and sometimes, people find out the other side’s true colours when they are too far along in the process to back out. However, these are exceptional cases. For the most part, there are certain ways to go about it where you ask questions in a way that reveals the next person’s mentality sooner rather than later. My parents always say, there is no need to rush to make a decision/commitment. Take your time doing a background search on the family (this involves going to the prospective spouse’s employer, university, neighbourhood, etc. and speaking to a reputable source), and without getting emotionally attached, ask the right questions upfront. Be honest and make it clear that you expect truthfulness in return.
You don’t always have to phrase it as a question to get a response out of the next person. You could be having a casual conversation and share a story then wait to see how the person responds to it. Basically, the same way that you would get to know a love interest on your own…with the exception that in this case, your family is involved and sometimes the questions you want answered might not be coming from you but your sibling/relative might be asking on your behalf. (Yes, this happens!)
You don’t have to go in totally blind. At least this is how I’ve seen it being done in my family. It’s never 100% arranged. The families initiate talks but the couple gets their chance to talk as well. Siblings are also involved because they know you well and can sometimes ask the tough questions on your behalf without it coming across as offensive.
This is how it should be.. The potential couple should be allowed to talk at least in the presence of elders/family..
If you’re mingling and mixing with everyone else it really doesn’t make much sense to forbid contact for two people who might end up spending their whole lives together.. Aren’t the two sets of people in rishta meetings non-mehrams as well yet no-one stops them from having a conversation..
You can never really get to know anyone just by talking to them once or twice. A background check can save you from a lot of trouble.
I know stories where people didnt bother doing a background check by asking around. Like in the shadi of one of my cousins, a relative who belonged to the same city as the groom told my cousin’s mom that she has married her daughter in a very cunning family. And its so true, my cousin’s husband is so manipulative.
Another time a distant relative was fixing the rishta of her daughter, and another relative warned her to not marry her daughter in that family. The rishhta was seemingly very good so the girl’s mom thought that the relative is just jealous. So she went ahead and got her daughter married. And she could not have married her daughter in a worse family. The susral walay did so much zulm that the girl hardly talks now, and her mom regrets not listening to the advice of her relative.
I havent even met her ever, she is a distant relative. But yes I guess she still is. This is Pakistan remember, divorce is still a taboo in most families.
