Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

Lifestyle Relationships
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I really want to know If any of you grew up in dysfunctional families , yet made a good life for yourself ? Or if you know any one .

There were certain incidents in my childhood which I can not erase from my memory and can never share with anyone . I am 25 year old now but the memories are still vivid and as painful as they have always been . I have a strained relationship with my mother . She wasn’t affectionate towards me or any of my sibling . She was just too detached . The maids were supposed to care for everything in the house . She knew nothing about us or the house . If we ever tried to hug or kiss her she 'd always push us away .

My parents failed marriage scares me . As much as I don’t want to be like my mother , I think I have become like her . Or if not yet , then I will . = (
I have always lived with this fear of being a bad mother and a bad wife .Although I keep telling my self that No , I can do it differently but I feel It will be difficult to practice what I have never seen or experienced .

Sometimes it becomes really difficult . If someone else in the family makes a mistake it isn’t a big deal , because who doesn’t makes mistakes ?
But in my case , if something goes wrong because of me then this is what I have to hear from everyone that she is so and so 's daughter so what else can you expect ?

I try to reason with myself everyday .. But at the end of the day , I am still having the same thoughts like always .

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

First world problems....

You seem different than her. The fact that you even question the quality of your future motherhood means you take interest in it. So that is good.

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

My cousins from back home are perfect example (actually kids of my mom’s cousin from back home)

They grew up in a dysfunctional family. So dysfunctional that sometimes my parents or other relatives had to intervene and take kids (brother and sister) away from home for few days to weeks so at least they can get on with their lives. Every month or two we used to here that there is a big fight and their mom went to her parents house for some time. My uncle (their father) was not a family man. Didn’t used to give much time to family and was still living his bachelors life. Going out with friends every night for dinners, visiting different cities with them (for tourism) every month for days and days. Now he was not into drugs or affairs or any other kind of immoral activities but he just had his friends as top priority instead of his family. He was not well off and on top of it was throwing away most of his earnings on his friends and that did not help either. This ended up creating un-patchable rift b/w both. They did not divorce but I hardly saw them together.

Today Mashallah

  • My cousin sister is married and mom herself and living a VERY happy family life. She is a very good wife and mom.

  • My cousin bro somehow completed college and went out to UK for further studies (by saving his own hard earned money), finished his studies and is now very well off. First he did rukhsat his sister and then got married himself. Mashallah living a very happy life with couple of cute little daughters.

So in short (after typing long story :smack:), It works. Believe in yourself. Remember fear of failure actually takes you towards it and its half a failure.

Why dont u have some friendly sessions with a therapist. They can help you get over the fear you have.

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

I think you need to talk to someone about your fears. Maybe a therapist because the events still affect you. At some point you need to distance yourself from the events to see their cause, effects and what changes they made in you and how you can counter them. It'll be easier if you are not bound by them because the less painful they are to you the more you can keep objectivity and learn from your mother's mistakes.

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

OP, have you thought about counselling?

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

Op, when you say that you fear you've already become like your mom...a thought comes to mind. You've basically described your mom as aloof and detached. So if you think you are also starting to act this way, then maybe it stems from a fear of getting hurt? A fear that any person you try to get close to will push you away like your mom and so you distance yourself before they can hurt you? How were your mom's own parents with her and have you and your sisters tried talking to her about this? If your mom doesn't understand or even see that she has a problem, then this means that your behavior stems from fear and it's not because "that's just how you are." While your mom doesn't think she 's wrong, you have been blessed with a stronger awareness than her which makes you Alhumdolillah more sensitive to other people's needs. This means that you have the ability to check yourself, to backtrack and rectify your behaviors. Nobody is perfect, not even the people who had healthy relationships with both parents that never divorced. We all make mistakes in our relationships, but the important thing is to have the ability to reflect over your actions and correct yourself when you realize you're in the wrong. And not everyone has this ability or inner awareness. You have it, so you may not be so much like your mom as you fear.

In terms of examples of people who beat the odds....let's see...my cousin's husband is a very dedicated husband and father. His parents are divorced and his mom left the kids; she wasn't close to them and I don't think she was present at her son's engagement...which was the first engagement in her family as he is her eldest child. However, I heard she attended the wedding. But not only is he MashaAllah a very loving spouse and father to his kids, he is also the only one in his family to have completed a uni degree. So, that's an example of someone who did did not follow the pattern of parents and siblings.

I know someone whose dad had a problem with substance abuse, didn't work and so the family was financially dependent on others. The son grew up to be more responsible than his father; he MashaAllah supports his mom and sisters; he has a greater awareness of his duties and accountability.

A close friend of mine has a father who had a bad temper; he was super strict. Her mom abandoned the family; I think she had another set of kids from someone else. Despite this, my friend got married and has three kids and is good mom and wife and human being. Doesn't have her dad's temper, did not walk out on her family.

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

If you are over 18 then your brain is fully developed to make right decisions .

Can you use parents as an excuse ? may be .

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

Everyone here has given great advice. Everyone has anxieties that continue to play some role in their lives. But they can be managed well. Do not fear, be vigilant and you'll learn to out do your own expectations, insha-Allah.

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Re: Are learned behaviors hard to change ?

YES!!
All my brother and sister.
They perhaps know the value of family now, better then average MIL DIL FIL person.

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

time heals
your fears will fade away when you will be sure that you are much better in reality even after facing such problems

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

She lost her parents when she was young . She moved in with her married sister then . We have never had any heart to heart talks in our lives so I am not even sure how old was she when my maternal grandmother died .

And yes , I did try to talk to her , be friends with her once when I was old enough to put myself in her shoes and try to understand her problem . But she doesn't even realize that there is something wrong with her behavior . She wasn't even ready to listen , let alone understand what I wanted to say. She becomes too defensive , refuses to talk and just walks out .

As a child , I do admit I was bitter and hated her , but as I grew up I tried to reason with myself that may be it is just beyond her control . She really is not capable of doing things differently . I can't say that our relationship has improved ,but there is just this awkward silence between us . We don't argue as much as we did in past . I don't even have that much of strength to put myself in a bad mood for nothing .
@redvelvet , Yes I am detached and I feel suffocated around people . I feel drained and tired . Most of the times I am just pretending that I am listening to them while I am not . I have friends , but none of them know anything regarding my family life , fears and insecurities . I don't even want them to know about it .Because Some of my friends who did know , have several times made such insensitive remarks that I feel it is better not to let anyone know regarding it .

If I see myself how I was years ago , I think I am doing a lot better now. I am capable of identifying areas where I need to improve , and I do work on that .
But I feel that I constantly have to make efforts to push myself to meet someone , to call someone , or handle some chores . I do it because I force myself to , not because I would like doing . I like being alone , I enjoy my time but one has to socialize and meet people , but they feel like a burden. They seem too clingy ,trying to suck my energy and attention .

Where I find it hard to trust people at the same time I am[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif] scared of letting people attach to me out of fear that what if my mind's interest will wean off from the person who is investing his/her time & emotions ?

[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif]and that is why I fear that would I feel the same way for my children ? would I feel the same urge to isolate myself from them to think straight and function properly ? would they feel the same way for me as I felt for my mother ?

[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif]But after reading your advises , I am feeling better knowing that people do break these chains & may be it isn't as difficult as I assumed it to be .

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

You're an introvert and your behaviour is actually quite normal for introverts. For extroverts meeting people gives them energy and for introverts people suck out energy. For your other fears you need to open up to someone. Even if you feel like venting to us, that's okay.

Being a mother is such a demanding job that even when I look at my cousins who're running their kids 24/7 it looks tough even I think I would be rubbish at it. I just locked my room for a couple of hours, washed my hair, read a book and this is stuff none of my married with kids cousins can do anymore. I think at some point all mothers say enough is enough, I'm sick of my kid, I'm out of here. Those thoughts are natural. No one is perfect and all these devoted mothers you see that are different from your mother have had the same thoughts. They just manage to not translate them into actions. You have realised this kind of cold behaviour is damaging so half your battle is won.

My grandmother had a self absorbed mother who was super spoilt and would demand her needs be met before everyone else. My grandmother is so crazily the opposite. She never lets anyone even speak to a child in a loud tone in front of her and always had a strict no girls in the kitchen policy because her own education was routinely interrupted just because she was a girl and it was not important.

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Re: Are learned behaviors are hard to change ?

First of all, you have to remember, you are NOT your mother or father. Yes we all have habits and personalities that might show similarities with our own parents but their marriage is on them, and not a reflection of your own future. Your husband and you can create a stronger marriage. You can be a better mother. Since you realize that there were problems and that they weren't dealt with maturely - you are already a step ahead.
Let go of this fear. My mother was kind but I viewed her as a pushover many times as a kid because people use to say anything to her and she never defended herself. Many years later, I look at myself and see a bit of that. I recognize it and I decide to change it. We are all adults and we can change ourselves and our weaknesses. It isn't impossible. You yourself know where your mother might have needed to fix her mistakes in her marriage or in raising you - so don't make the same mistakes. I think in every family - kids see the problems and always vow to never repeat these things in their own marriages or with their own kids. Whenever I felt alone or incapable of fixing a problem I kept a journal and wrote down my thoughts. So if you aren't the type to talk to someone about it, even simply writing about it can help.