Are you qualified to this job?
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it
I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.
My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I’m balanced and centered:
I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
I have a sense of humor:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I’m willing to relocate:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
I’m extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.
My background and skills match your requirements:
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
I am adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I am on the go:
I’m never at my desk.
I’m highly motivated to succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.
I have formal training:
I’m a college dropout.
I interact well with co-workers:
I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.
Thank you for your time and consideration:
Wait! Don’t throw me away!
Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it
Entry level position:
You’ll be making minimum wage.
Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:
You’ll be making minimum wage; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
Profit sharing plan:
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
Competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our fast-paced company:
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Nationally recognized leader:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
Immediate opening:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
Casual work atmosphere:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive environment:
We have a lot of turnover.
Must be deadline oriented:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtime required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Flexible hours:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Must have an eye for detail:
We have no quality control.
College degree preferred:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work.
Career minded:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
No phone calls please:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Problem solving skills a must:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
New Job Interview Technique
Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.
If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.
If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.
If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.
If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.
If he is sleeping, he is Management material.
If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.
If he doesn’t even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.
If he tries to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.
If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.
If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send him to Purchasing.
If he mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests, Public Relations will suit him well.