Yes, I am one. I feel exhausted by large crowds. I prefer small gatherings & that too with my friends whom I am comfortable with. Meeting new people is just so difficult for me. I think they project so much energy on you & ask way too many personal questions & I just dont like that hence I avoid meeting new people which is bad I guess. Meeting new people involves so much risk like you never know what they are like… some just are so keen on judging you esp desi aunties… some just try to outsmart you, bully you, degrade you & try to put you down no matter what.
And I can’t just deal with situations where lets say someone has died & you do “afsos” & you know how desis do it like " bohat afsos hua sunke… kya hua tha unhe?". I mean I just can’t do this, I feel so hesitant saying that, I would rather try not to remind them about this tradgedy over & over again.
And when someone brings you a gift & some are like “iski kya zaroorat thi” & all.. I just can’t say these ratay rataye joomle & would rather be myself but in desi gatherings thats not good enough.
Do not feel you have to conform to desi values and traditions if you find them disturbing. I am a bloke and it was easier for me to leave everything behind and live my life on my own terms and do my own thing. I have not attended a ‘desi’ gathering for a long time, and I am not both bothered how people judge me and what is my perception.
I’m a wallflower, too. I can count my closest friends on just one hand. I prefer having fewer but richer friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones. Sometimes I think that the less people you invite in your life, the less drama you have to deal with. I wouldn’t equate this with being antisocial though because I am still able to have appropriate social interactions with people in different settings. And I’m sure that you’re capable of that, too. But if that’s how someone sees me, then so be it..lol.
Aunties..you can’t control how they (or anyone else for that matter) will behave. It’s better to keep a polite distance and to avoid volunteering too much information about your life. I’ve found that if someone is treating you poorly, then you’re not their only target. They’re most likely treating others in the same way ..even if you don’t witness it. It’s only a matter of time before someone calls them out on their behavior…or…their actions eventually catch up to them and result in people cutting them out. I have seen this happen. Habits come with consequences…sooner or later.
Regarding condolences… if you’re concerned about not “reminding” the person of the tragedy…then maybe it’s better to avoid asking “kya hua tha unhe?” Chances are that you will end up finding out what happened…because people talk. So, that’s one change that you can make. The cliche “Bahut ofsos hua”…is like the English equivalent of …“I’m am so sorry for your loss.” You’re going to run into cliche responses no matter what language you use. You really cannot get too “creative” with wording in these situations. Giving the grieving person a dua is a cliche act…but it’s a necessary one. I think the best thing to do is to show your support through your actions. Your actions can make up for the insufficiency of your words. For example, bringing food for the grieving family…and helping them clean up during an ofsos gathering …attending Quran recitations…and not overstaying your welcome when you go for ofsos…etc etc. And I’m sure that you already do these things.
As for giving gifts…again …“Is ki kya zaroorat thi?” is like the English equivalent of …“Oh, you shouldn’t have.” Again, you’re gonna run into cliche saying regardless of language. And if the host truly and genuinely did not expect the guests to bring a gift…then that would be a natural response. If you don’t feel comfortable with that…then just simply tell them, “Thank you. I really appreciate it. That’s very kind of you. Or you are so sweet/thoughtful.”
Again it’s hard to escape the ratay-rataye jumlay and you will end up leaning on those cliche words even in the most closest relationships. It’s your actions that lend words greater meaning.
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. There are many introverts like you out there and the feelings you have are pretty natural. There’s nothing wrong in being selective of your friends; some amount of discrimination is healthy. But at the same time, there is some level of “conformity” that we do need to surrender to in order still be a part of society and to maintain rishtay. Unless we become absolute hermits, we can’t escape it completely.
Being anti-social and introvert are two separate things. An anti-social person would be someone who dislikes societal norms that make up a particular social order. For that reason, a person who is anti-social in one subculture may be completely at home in another subculture. For example, a person would be considered anti-social in a subculture that rewards hard work through recognition but little money. Same individual wouldn’t be considered anti-social in a different subculture that rewards through money but little recognition.
Dislike of condolence is indeed an anti-social trait but not for all subcultures. For example, many people working in hospitals, morgues or graveyards often don’t see the need to do that. Hence, that trait is not anti-social in those subcultures.
There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. However, I would classify myself as an extrovert. That doesn’t mean I don’t value my privacy nor do I share everything with anyone who would listen. It just means that I enjoy meeting people and express my views. In the process, I come across folks who would bully me, degrade me, whom I won’t like, etc. but that is alright as I’ve refined the art of getting rid of them fast most of the time.
If you want to change for the better, that has to start from within for it to be real. If you are a student, you may already recognize the benefits of having a group of friends whom one can approach right away when they get stuck. People-skills don’t develop overnight, it’s a process ridden with trial and error. As we get older, the cost of errors increases so tread carefully and hopefully you’ll meet amazing people along the way proving the worth of acquiring this skill.
