Another in-laws thread

[Decent_6Chora]

without siding any view, here is the problem in light of Islam

===================================================

Islam Question and Answer - She is upset by her husband?s many guests who come all the time

Q) *My husband likes to invite people all the time in our house. this causes me a great deal of inconvenience and upsets me as it takes out of our private time as a couple. to what extent we are obliged to our guests? and what is our rights and responsibilities towrads our guests in islam?. *

A) Praise be to Allaah.
It was narrated that Abu Shurayh al-‘Adawi said: I heard with my own two ears and I saw with my own two eyes when the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) spoke and said: “Whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him honour his neighbour; whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him honour his guest as he is entitled.” It was said, ‘What is his entitlement, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “[The best treatment] for one day and one night; and hospitality is for three days, and anything after that is charity bestowed upon him. And whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him, speak good words or else remain silent.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5560; Muslim, 69. This version was narrated by al-Bukhaari.

The guest has rights, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said. There should be no doubt about this matter. If guests come without being invited, they should be honoured, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said.

Yes, if they are bad friends or are those who have nothing better to do and impose themselves on others all the time, then they should be treated in a manner that befits them, because they annoy the people with their actions.

But if it is your husband who is inviting a lot of people to your house, then in this case you should speak to him in a gentle manner, and come to an agreement about how to invite people, so that he will not invite anyone without speaking to you first, and you can agree to reduce the number of invitations in a suitable manner.

You – may Allaah bless you – should not express displeasure to your husband when the guests are there, because this is something that will make matters worse and will not solve the problem. You have to be patient, because patience is the key to finding a way out.

Strive to create a calm atmosphere in your house, with good words and kind treatment. Some husband may resort to inviting a lot of friends over in an effort to relax, because their wives may not be good at creating an atmosphere that suits their husbands, so that makes them look for this atmosphere with their friends. So try to understand your husband’s nature so that you can create a suitable atmosphere that will make him happy and relaxed, which is what is he is looking for with his friends.

We ask Allaah to set things straight between you, and to help you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.

[Mirch]

@tipusulatn

Do not worry no one is taking it personal. We are just expressing our opinion. It all boils down to individuals position.

Unlike west, in our society a son could not run away from a duty toward parents at least. And you started at wrong foot by saying that they come from Pind without any reason.

If we are talking about behavioral Jahaalat, please do not forget he is (may be you as well) also from same background. Only difference is after getting a good degree and good life in the city we have changed.

But that would not give anyone licence to treating them and their lifestyle in poorly.

She stated a fact that they came from pind not from London , so how could she say they came from London.

@PyariCgudia

In fact, I’m proud to say our sons raised in the West not only abandon their parents, but also their wives and kids. They’re just not into the whole responsibility thing.

You are generalizing again. My observation is contrary to yours.

@Decent_6Chora

without siding any view, here is the problem in light of Islam

===================================================

Islam Question and Answer - She is upset by her husband?s many guests who come all the time

Q) *My husband likes to invite people all the time in our house. this causes me a great deal of inconvenience and upsets me as it takes out of our private time as a couple. to what extent we are obliged to our guests? and what is our rights and responsibilities towrads our guests in islam?. *

A) Praise be to Allaah.
It was narrated that Abu Shurayh al-‘Adawi said: I heard with my own two ears and I saw with my own two eyes when the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) spoke and said: “Whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him honour his neighbour; whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him honour his guest as he is entitled.” It was said, ‘What is his entitlement, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “[The best treatment] for one day and one night; and hospitality is for three days, and anything after that is charity bestowed upon him. And whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him, speak good words or else remain silent.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5560; Muslim, 69. This version was narrated by al-Bukhaari.

The guest has rights, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said. There should be no doubt about this matter. If guests come without being invited, they should be honoured, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said.

Yes, if they are bad friends or are those who have nothing better to do and impose themselves on others all the time, then they should be treated in a manner that befits them, because they annoy the people with their actions.

But if it is your husband who is inviting a lot of people to your house, then in this case you should speak to him in a gentle manner, and come to an agreement about how to invite people, so that he will not invite anyone without speaking to you first, and you can agree to reduce the number of invitations in a suitable manner.

You – may Allaah bless you – should not express displeasure to your husband when the guests are there, because this is something that will make matters worse and will not solve the problem. You have to be patient, because patience is the key to finding a way out.

Strive to create a calm atmosphere in your house, with good words and kind treatment. Some husband may resort to inviting a lot of friends over in an effort to relax, because their wives may not be good at creating an atmosphere that suits their husbands, so that makes them look for this atmosphere with their friends. So try to understand your husband’s nature so that you can create a suitable atmosphere that will make him happy and relaxed, which is what is he is looking for with his friends.

We ask Allaah to set things straight between you, and to help you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.

Her guests are uninvited ones , not invited by her husband.
Give her a break , she vented at the spur of the moment we all have our moments and break down sometime. Big deal.
She is already repenting they way she came out and about this issue.

[prototype]

Yes Exactly, it is HIS relatives, they have lost all right on him and he have ( by any mean) no right to help them ( if he can), HIS jahil relatives ( how these Jahil relatives allowed him to become a DACTAR... it would be different case if he is a Neem-hakeem or Homeopathetic DAACTAR).. HE shuold have married a girl from his PIND only and not anyone so SOPHISTICATED that she get disgust with HIS relatives...

Here is what to do, throw him out the house, divorce him and find a nice clean non-jahil family ( this time make sure that they don't have a single relative from any PIND)...

Thanks for your useless advice. I never asked for any,did I ? I feel like i hit many on their nerves or maybe it's related to many people around here.

I wish I had enough time for getting back to all the posts here..but to clarify the situation, i would need to give details of habits and practices of what usually happens around here when they're here,which I think is inappropriate.

[prototype]

Re: Another in-laws thread

Some examples:

-MIL and her sister will be shopping and hopping all day And will be in the bed with SEVERE headaches and what not around the time hubby's home,posing that I never asked them for medicine,etc all day.

-sit or sleep on the floor with her dupatta instead of the blanket,hiding away the blankets and pillows I gave her the previous night,leaving hubby arguing with me for not providing her with bedding.

-having her lunch right before hubby's home,making a face in his presence,leaving hubby wondering what I said to her in his absence

And many such more 'tactics' and moves that ALWAYS leave us ending up in explanations and arguments when they're here. For a normal person,this affects the general behaviour and unwelcoming attitude towards any such source. Doesnt it?

[MIAinVA]

Re: Another in-laws thread

^I sympathize with you... I've seen such things as a child. My dad had some relatives who used to drop by and my mom had to entertain them a lot... there was a lot of complaining despite my poor mom slaving away all day.

The most horrible thing was that they stole our stuff also. Thank God my dad himself caught someone stealing a gold chain. After that he just banned most of them, except for the close relatives.

[prototype]

Re: Another in-laws thread

^ i forgot about this aspect.. My MIL’s and SIL’s mobile phones and gold rings get ‘misplaced’ on their visits (when it’s just me and hubby living here,no servants)..but my hubby’s not like your dad.he tells me to ‘respect’ them and ‘not to take such things seriously’

[MIAinVA]

^ As long as its not your stuff that gets misplaced, he can ignore it and you can too. In our case, my mom’s stuff was being stolen and my dad caught the culprit red-handed.

And also, when they are visiting, get some more hired help… or order naan nihari from outside once a day. OMG! I miss Lahore’s nihari… I’ve visited Lahore a couple of times and the nihari was soooo yummmy … I WANT Nihari now

[automne77]

Re: Another in-laws thread

Decent 6Chora...while what you have written is clearly not to be argued with. We as muslims are also told to respect others while visiting them... I will search and get back to you on those etiquettes which RAsool Allah (SAW) taught us that we should let others know of us coming ...and if our muslim brother is not available at that time to not be offended. If we are standing at the door not even to look inside their home coz that is khayana.....

I just don't get it why so many ppl on this forum jump down another person's throat when a person calls someone paindo or jaahil.... most ppl on this forum are calling another this for lack of manners or etiquette not education.... You can be from the pind and be respectful and well mannered....

And for those who keep saying why did you marry into such and such a family to them I just wanna say .... if I can't choose my relatives chances are the my significant other did not choose his either.... and sometimes just sometimes the guy is great enough for you to ignore the extended family who might not be properly versed in etiquette (I would add over here islamic incase we have another argument abt how ppl from the village have etiquettes that city ppl might not have) .....

To prototype.... pls inform your husband of what goes on in a kind gentle manner and do the best you can.... just keep your cool (which is hardest to keep at these times) and do what you can ....no more no less.

[tea83]

Re: Another in-laws thread

I can’t help but wonder whether Pakistani women can stand to see their sons happy in marriage? It seems that regardless of being in a happy marriage themselves, they strive to always be the number one woman in their life. A mother will always play a significant role in her son’s life, then what’s with competing with the wife?

n ter

[soundarya]

Re: Another in-laws thread

While you see them as jaahil, who knows, they might view you as being condescending or proud. Try to create an understanding.

Maybe you should try giving subtle messages... for example... if you hear them making weird blowing noises in the bathroom, ask them if everything is ok, because you're concerned after hearing loud noise. This will make them ask themselves- "hmm, was the noise really that loud?" in addition to, "wah, she's actually concerned."

Or... if they walk on the carpet with their shoes on, say, "Oh, you don't have to wear shoes, the carpet isn't dirty. Feel easy and walk barefoot, we do it."

When you are expected to make 3 rotis per person... take one of the female extended family members and be like, "do you want to help me in the kitchen? I could use the company, then I'll finish faster and also be able to spend more time at the table with you all."

It sounds cheesy, but they are subtle yet caring messages. It's best to give those, then stay completely quiet and eventually run out of patience, leading to a big fight. Ask your husband to encourage the relatives to help you in the kitchen... otherwise, tell him you can't cook so much and will have to spend money on outside food.

Think about it this way... you have to adjust and tolerate them, but they have to do the same for you if you stay at their home in the pind. If you go to their home and don't wear shoes, they might tell you to wear shoes. They might find it weird that you don't eat as much and arrange for food that you like. You don't want them to think that you're looking down on them, internally they probably feel low class compared to you anyways.

Btw, the pind isn't that bad, it's got culture.

[soundarya]

Some examples:

-MIL and her sister will be shopping and hopping all day And will be in the bed with SEVERE headaches and what not around the time hubby's home,posing that I never asked them for medicine,etc all day.

-sit or sleep on the floor with her dupatta instead of the blanket,hiding away the blankets and pillows I gave her the previous night,leaving hubby arguing with me for not providing her with bedding.

-having her lunch right before hubby's home,making a face in his presence,leaving hubby wondering what I said to her in his absence

And many such more 'tactics' and moves that ALWAYS leave us ending up in explanations and arguments when they're here. For a normal person,this affects the general behaviour and unwelcoming attitude towards any such source. Doesnt it?

man, is this from a saas-bahu serial? that's horrible.

[Iconoclast]

do they squat on non-desi toilet?

thats quite acrobatic, don't u think

[Aqls]

Some examples:

-MIL and her sister will be shopping and hopping all day And will be in the bed with SEVERE headaches and what not around the time hubby's home,posing that I never asked them for medicine,etc all day.

-sit or sleep on the floor with her dupatta instead of the blanket,hiding away the blankets and pillows I gave her the previous night,leaving hubby arguing with me for not providing her with bedding.

-having her lunch right before hubby's home,making a face in his presence,leaving hubby wondering what I said to her in his absence

And many such more 'tactics' and moves that ALWAYS leave us ending up in explanations and arguments when they're here. For a normal person,this affects the general behaviour and unwelcoming attitude towards any such source. Doesnt it?

annoying yaar
wapas kab jaa rahe hain ??

[saraali]

@prototype

I am FED up of mine..they live in a small city (a pind) and HAVE to come to Lahore to stay over for atleast few days for any or no reason at all..hubby is a DAACTER and all of his extended family including the bahu of chachi ki phoopi ki nand ki behn has to come over for a ‘check-up’ even if they have problems with passing a stool They have stupid and jaahil living habits of spitting into bins,never trying to take off shoes on carpets,sitting with their feet on the sofa and chair,burping aloud,blowing nose in a washroom with strange noises that all my neighbours can hear and a lot more! AND they have to eat homemade roti,3 atleast, for each meal I have 6 of them over my place right now and i feel like poisoning them..

LOL…

What’s equally funny is mines are coming from Lahore to London in a few days and i am concious of exactly what you have just said!!