Another in law issue sigh - advice and wisdom needed

Lifestyle Relationships
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So I have been married for 3 years now. I moved to a different country to be with my husband, lived with in laws for the first almost 2 years, we then moved downtown from the suburbs as I got a job downtown and a commute would be pretty impossible with the kind of work I do.

Our move downtown was not easy at all, we have been here just over a year and my in laws have not come to visit, talk about our place or given us even a plate.

Relationships remained ok despite being strained we go there as much as possible and we are definitely very present.

Both my sister in laws live in their own home ( not with their in laws) even though they also could live with their in laws - and my mother in law took suitcases full of kitchen stuff home decor recently to sister in laws new home and they visit often even though its a plane journey away.

Yet there were never huge fallouts/arguments etc, my MIL is a very complicated woman - an expert in being passive aggressive she is also very very insecure and works very hard for the approval and validation of others , she plays a fantastic hostess but for example will not invite people over again who do not compliment her food, I am also banned from cooking because my father in law complimented by cooking and she strictly and clearly told me that ’ you will eat the food I cook - thats it’.

So my parents came to visit 2 months ago for 10 days, I see them once a year and so I basically falling all over them and do anything and everything to make them happy and spoil them and hug them and I am stuck to them - I have heard my mother in law be upset at me before for being like this with them and not her ( shes not hugging and chatting for hours about everything type) and she also becomes very upset at her children for not being like this with her.

For some reason this time since my parents have left my husband and I have basically been sidelined from the family. We are welcome there to their home of course and there are no obvious mean words or arguments - but my in laws booked a family vacation with my sister in laws and my husband and I were not informed about this, we said we were interested but they then booked tikcets on days that my husband and I didnt have vacation. This year my mother in law did not give me anything for eid - she did give clothes to her daughters.

I was very hurt today so I spoke to my husband and he said he feels it too, he said that lots of little things may have built up to cause this - no big event or issue happened - he said he knew his mother in law was upset when I was handing my out samosas at a service station and I gave my mum one which is extra hot as I know she is fussy about this and gave my mother in law a colder one or something.

My husband says now its on us to mend everything and to keep trying to make things better no matter how they treat us. Yet I dont know how to do this, I feel like I already try and show as much care as possible towards them ( more than their own daughters for sure- which a whole different story) - im just sad and stuck.

I dont want to be distant from the family - my husband admitted today alot of this is probably his fault for handling things badly when we were moving out and because he is not open at all in terms of emotions or what he is thinking or feeling - now that we are not there physically the relationships have cooled off? Anyway I am confused and for some reason riddled with guilt over the dumb samosa situation. Advice is appreciated.

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Re: Another in law issue sigh - advice and wisdom needed

Our relationship with my in-laws is similar to yours. They (in-laws) have pulled similar stunts over the years with us so I know first hand what you’re going through. My advice is based on my personal experience and how my husband and I have chosen to handle it.

At the end of the day, they are your husband’s family; MIL is his mother. It is up to both of you to attempt to mend things BUT as MIL’s son, it is up to your husband to take the lead and decide how to proceed. You need to discuss with him on how HE thinks is the best way to mend the relationship and take it from there.

One thing my husband has come to accept over the years is that he can’t please everyone. People like my MIL and your MIL will NEVER be 100% happy. They will always complain/be upset about something you have done. You and your husband are not distancing yourself from his family…rather, his mother is choosing to distance herself from you two. You two can do whatever you want to in order to mend the relationship, but always remember that MIL is the only one who can control her behavior.

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Re: Another in law issue sigh - advice and wisdom needed

My advice is simple: do what you are doing which is trying hard to mend relationships. But don’t expect them to respond to you. Stop comparing yourselves to her daughters because just like your mother is your mother…her daughters are her blood and will always mean more to her than you. Expecting same treatment is not right nor is it realistic.

The lower your expectations of people, the less hurt you will be.

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Re: Another in law issue sigh - advice and wisdom needed

Agreed with Reha, try your level best and see. Should not compare her relationship with her daughters, it will always be different and it makes sense. Just like how close you are to your mom as opposed to MIL. Good luck

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Re: Another in law issue sigh - advice and wisdom needed

If you were to respond in kind or get MIL back for her behavior, I think it would make things worse. Your husband knows his mother better, so just follow his suggestion on how to respond with her. It’s natural to feel confused when someone suddenly behave differently from what you’re accustomed to. You got used to receiving an Eid gift each year…but remind yourself that Eid is not about receiving Eidi or gifts. There will always be a difference between how your MIL treats you and her daughters. Just as there will always be a difference between your mom and your MIL. It’s only natural to feel more inclined, more giving, more tolerant with your parents and children. That said, you’ll have to remind yourself of this reality whenever your mind starts to do a comparison between yourself and MIL’s daughters. When you know that you’re naturally not going to win, it’s better not to dwell on it. Also remind yourself that everything happens for a reason…especially with things that are out of your control…such as booking the vacation. You tell yourself that you were not meant to go on this family vacation and that Allah has some good in it for you. And if you think about it, how much “fun” would you have on a vacation with people that you know fully well are holding a passive-aggressive grudge toward you? The money and time could be better spent in other ways. Use it to visit your own parents…or with just your husband. It’s not a big deal.

Another way to look at this situation…is that you’re blessed that your MIL is the kind that wants to be loved be you. She may take it too far at times…but it’s better than that breed of MIL that doesn’t give a damn how you feel about her and won’t bother with any sort of civility to your face …much less gifts, lol.

As others above have said, lower your expectations.

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Re: Another in law issue sigh - advice and wisdom needed

Give your mother in law a cold one - and don’t forget to keep the glass in the freezer for 20 min.

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Re: Another in law issue sigh - advice and wisdom needed

Who will get hot samosa… ? I think MIL is at mistake…

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Re: Another in law issue sigh - advice and wisdom needed

Thanks guys you are right about lowering my expectations.

Recently my sister in law became very upset as my mother in law told her to dress more like me …I just dont want me and my sister in law to fall out as she does have some resentment building towards me.