so my cousin has an issue that came up recently n she’s askin my advice. problem is, that i feel like i’m givin her the wrong advice.
the issue is that this girl paid for her entire wedding including clothes, jewels, each event etc as her parents couldn’t afford it. since money was short she wasn’t able to get the best of everything. her parents didn’t really try helping much either, didn’t give any jahaiz, and didn’t really contribute much even in the planning and execution of small things she planned. whatever she could afford, she planned and did. she skipped out on a mayun n even her valima was faar too simple. but she happily wore whatever minimal clothes n jewelery her inlaws got her n was happy to just have had a good wedding day. now she’s livin separately with her husband and has two kids.
problem now is, that this girl’s brother is gettin married. the girl knows that her family’s financial situation is still pretty limited. the bhabhee is from a comparatively well-off family but apparently they are very cheap with spending. now it turns out that the girl’s mom is goin all out for her son’s engagement ceremony n trying to get the bhabhee a designer dress, a diamond ring, and even willing to pay for half the event’s costs i.e. food and decor eventhough that’s the girl’s side’s responsibility. the fact that her mom is willing to go into debt to please the bhabhee whereas she didn’t bother saving up for the girl’s wedding only a few years ago is making her angry with her mom. in fact, this girl never had an engagement for the very reason that its an extra monetary burden she couldn’t afford.
now, to be honest, if i was in her shoes, i would also be thinkin why on earth my parents didnt bother spendin on me but are goin crazy with the bhabhee. but i don’t want to give her the wrong advice and start issues within the family as they’ll start thinkin she’s just jealous of the bhabhee or bhai etc. how would you guys analyze this situation?
What her family does for her bhabi relative to what they did for her in both monetary terms and help with planning are unimportant. She may have gone without certain material things at her wedding, but m'A she is happy with her husband and children. Allah has blessed her with a home and family and happiness and at the end of the day a happy life is far more important.
Tell her to welcome her SIL into the family and be happy for her - don't let material things interfere in this relationship or her relationship with her parents.
As much as this scenerio really isn't fair I have to agree with Sehrysh. There's no point in comparing between the two situations, what's done is done...she's happy in her married life and ultimately that's all that matters. The wedding ceremonies are not what marriage is about and a lot of people don't realise this.
If it really is affecting her then maybe she should sit down and talk to her parents about how she feels. What I'd be more worried about, if I was in her place, is that my parents are willing to go into debt just to keep up appearances...that really doesn't sound intelligent.
What her family does for her bhabi relative to what they did for her in both monetary terms and help with planning are unimportant. She may have gone without certain material things at her wedding, but m'A she is happy with her husband and children. Allah has blessed her with a home and family and happiness and at the end of the day a happy life is far more important.
Tell her to welcome her SIL into the family and be happy for her - don't let material things interfere in this relationship or her relationship with her parents.
Bravo!
Like Sehrysh said...it's just not worth it dredging it all up, unfair though your cousin's situation is. It's just going to create drama for your cousin who up 'till now has been very happy. We all go through a certain amount of crap when it's time to get married (though this situation is a bit more extreme)...and we can either focus on all the things that went wrong and make ourselves miserable, or focus on the good and exhibit patience. The former will give you a bleeding ulcer. The latter is the healthier way to go - both physically and mentally.
Your bhabee will be living with your parents? Maybe they want to make sure to welcome the new bride so there is no resentment or a bad beginning.
Maybe they realized their mistake and are remedying in their own way.
Here is my take on your situation...I think its a great thing. Why?
Because your parents will look good to your brother's inlaws.
You get to dress up and get all decked out and have an amazing time celebrating your brother's wedding! I wish I had a brother and bhabee. Yeah, I know it sounds so superficial but weddings are a time when new rishtay are made...a time to welcome people into your lives...a time to laugh and be happy. Leave the resentment for someone and something else. Right now, she should be focusing on making this wedding a blast and beautiful for her brother and family. How will she do that if she is thinking and comparing the whole time? Does she want to welcome her new bhabee like that and be labeled as the Nand from Hell? Will she be jealous of her new SIL?
Tell her think a thousand times before falling into the typical Nand mold...straight from Star Plus.
hmmm, as much im trying to think it doesnt matter, move on, its only material stuff, i would probably be just as upset. its not that she wants all the gold, its more deeper than that. shes probably thinking they love her brother more than her, or whatnot. i think all children should be treated equally. whatever you have, should be divided equally.
however, what i would do, would mention to my mum and say how come all this wasnt availble for me.....just in passing.
I do think OP should try not to let it upset her like everyone else has already said but then again that's easier said than done.. most of us would be really hurt as well if our mums acted that way..
I would say, she should just bring up her feelings to her mom. Her mom either would either have a good explanation or not. If she doesn't, your cousin will have to accept it.
Like many people mentioned earlier, tell her to not let it ruin her relationship with her SIL. I would do my best to keep my relationship smooth with my siblings' spouses because I love my siblings.
Just to add something personal here from my own life...
Among us sisters...the first wedding was so simple you wouldnt believe it. We had no idea what we were doing, were not prepared in any way nor did we realize how much it costs to have a proper wedding in the US. We were clueless.
This is the fourth wedding so far and by far the best one...do you think any of us have any resentment towards our parents for not having as lavish of a wedding? No.
These things are so petty and if you let small stuff like this get to you...you either dont have enough to do or too sensitive for your own good.
I wouldn't sweat it. My brother had a lavish wedding and valima. Mine will most likely be in my house, and if I get married after I graduate, it will most likely be fully funded by me. I don't mind. Circumstances dictated certain things, and I'm glad my parents never feel pressured to spend a ton on me to make me happy. they funded me in more important ways, like paying for my education.
And besides younger siblings normally do have more lavish weddings, , parents have less financial obligations at that time of their lives when most of their kids are out of their nest. Most of the time especially when there's >5 yr gap, older siblings are able to contribute too, and do so happily. I know I will be contributing for my little brothers' education and weddings inshallah!
The sister should get into the spirit and contribute instead of pulling out old wood to make fire with. Grudges and Jeolousyare only a product of shaitan.
deep down inside , these things gripe at you but the important thing is to understand that it is all related to circumstances..
With me and my siblings, each one of our weddings was diifferent and a lot depended on Financial circumstances at the time
Rishta comfort (as in how comfortable family/parent were with the marriage)
Location
Which siblings were organisingthe events
In laws and their own demands/ or no demands..
With my wedding, I didn't get a lot of support from siblings (as they are boys) and they were all going through a sticky situation with finances
I had enough money to make it a more lavish affair but knew it would hurt parents and brothers to know they couldn't give me the wedding I wanted so I realised it wasn't worth the stress and kept it as simple as possible
In the end, I have seen people spend loads on weddings but they aren't happy and I am just grateful that I am happy with inlaws and husband..
what’d I do?
