Anger isn't always exactly anger

Lifestyle Relationships
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I’m often angry when someone does something awful or something negative to me or my children or someone I like, mostly it’s something I wouldn’t do, something people just shouldn’t do.

Of course, we all have made mistakes when we were growing up. But then you learn and don’t do it anymore. That’s different.

Someone told me that she noticed, that I often become angry when people do something that I wouldn’t do and she thinks I can’t imagine the situation of that person, why that person would do that, whatever negative it is. I think she has a point there, though I do make an effort to understand different kinds of people.

But then she made another point which really made me think. I had asked her why people do such negative things, while there are so many interesting and nice things to do in the world. Life has so many nice and positive things. Those people are missing those nice and positive things by doing something negative to someone, while they could be enjoying the nice things in life! Then she said: “Your anger is probably not real anger, but you’re feeling bad for those people who have done something negative to you.”

That was strange, because I hate some of the people who did something negative to me or my children and I certainly don’t feel bad for them. But perhaps there is some truth in what she told me, because there are other people who have hurt me less and in my anger towards these I kept thinking how they are waisting their time doing these negative things. In the end, I even get their sawab. So I guess a few times perhaps there was something like feeling bad for them.

So, in some situations, when you are angry with someone, perhaps you find it difficult to place yourself in his or her situation and sometimes your anger is in fact your feeling bad for that person. She also mentioned that anger can be in fact disappointment. Of course, not every situation is like this and you can be really angry with only anger and nothing more to it.

Emotions can be very tricky, I guess that’s why we sometimes need help to understand our own problems and that’s why it’s probably difficult to work with people (you know, helping and understanding their problems, etc.).

Have you ever thought about it and how do you experience anger in your own situation?

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Re: Anger isn't always exactly anger

Personally it is not job to think of others and what they do or do not do. Mine is to think of those close to me. I am not around to play the mediator. Those who hurt those I love get their just deserts.

My job is not to be patient and understanding when the other person is not doing the same. People get exactly what they deserve.

As for judgement by not being their shoes. It depends on their situation. I have had this discussion countless times with my friends and it keeps being an open discussion. There are somethings which I will judge regardless of whose shoes I wear. Cheating and abuse are those two things.

3

I keep getting different views about patience too. Some people say, sabr is the best, the person who is doing something negative will eventually be punished for that. Other people say, don't do sabr, do something about it. Perhaps it's different for each situation.

4

Patience is a virtue. But then again its easy to say be patient when you are not involved in the process. I personally think it depends on matter to matter. At some points you need to tell them off or avoid them.

5

Patience is a virtue when you are dealing with life situations...such as financial problems, parenting, professionally, etc.

It doesnt apply in scenarios where you are being dealt with unfairly, cruelty or are being taken advantage of...such as abuse, blackmail, cheating, etc.

It depends on the scenario notorious. If you know you have done everything in your power to aid whatever issue you are facing...then its now time to be patient...at that point you leave it to Allah swt.

However, if you are being abused in your marriage...silently suffering is not a virtue. If your partner is cheating, you havent really helped anyone by staying with them.

khuwabon, mohabat, afsana
6

Oké, thanks for the views.

If possible, I'd like to read more opinions about how other people experience anger.

7

Try to think about the last time you were angry. How did you experience it and do you think it really was anger or was it in fact a different emotion?

Last time I was angry was about two weeks ago, when my son was severely beaten up for nothing. Now that was real anger in that case. Couldn't find any other emotion there.

I haven't really been angry about anything else at all. Just annoyed because of a few other things.

8

i think the 'patience by choice bit' can be applied to yourself but not others . When you are angry for someone else it gets tricky. i mean someone treats you unfairly and you just let it go and try to be patient with them, fair enough. But if someone is hurting another being and you let it go then i have trouble admiring it as patience. (Obviously if one tries to be patient because intervention could make matters worse than that is something else.)

It comes down to the empathy i guess sometimes we feel angry because we are not in the position to help someone we love, only they can help themselves and they dont . I guess that is the worst kind of anger one can feel and i should know.

Timepass - June 2013
9

Interesting thought. Feeling of being helpless I guess. Thanks for sharing. :)