In the course of life, when the joie de vivre of companionship and love are mowed down by the sudden turns of Destiny’s wheels, you have little left to thank the world for its cruelty and insanity that taught you lessons you were least bothered to learn. Abstractly, life always appeared as an objective examination question paper, where I ticked at the right options of questions whose answers were known but simply ignored the tough ones-either because I had not paid enough attention to its difficult nature when some elderly figure was explaining it or probably because I thought it would never be asked at the test. It was indeed foolish of me, I know! But how unfortunate of me that at this phase of my life, I cannot, even if I desperately want to, turn the clock back to the time I was sinfully guarded and pampered no end by my parents and two elder brothers; the damage for sure has been done and shall forever haunt my family in guise of an irreparable dishonor!
I’m literally flummoxed at the sudden turn of events…A few passionate moments of mine with a burning desire to melt in somebody’s arms that ignited out of nowhere at a pleasantly cold evening in Goa, where our friends reveled in chasing us at any secluded spot we put up; it’s indeed ironical to see how something that started off as a joke got retailored into an ugly, awfully detestable being that now rested in my womb as a piece of flesh.! She was a miserable, accursed and forsaken unwanted addition to my life and the one responsible for my rotten luck…her birth would not only create a loathsome scar on my belly but would also be an enduring shame for every person related to me!
I find it difficult to describe the travails I succumbed while simultaneously trying to get her out of me—the futile determination to find out a covert human slaughterhouse, the pricking glare of those receptionists who scornfully denied an appointment because I was a singleton or the opprobrious shooing of hostel wardens who refused an asylum—I bore every such torment with extreme pain and fret and prayed to get rid of her as soon as possible. Unfortunately, a few months had already passed and I was told by a gynac that an abortion was impossible. Despite this, I went against all the cautions a local ‘daai’ had explained to me, and lifted heavy weights, traveled and worked out rigorously just because I was hell bent on killing her! But, that stubborn creature refused to leave me and sometimes, out of joy for being victorious over me, she pleasantly kicked me from within. Initially, I hated those kicks and sometimes revengefully exclaimed, “How I wish I could kick her as well!”
But as time passed by, loneliness and gloom began torturing me and I had no option but to talk to the ‘brat’ –who danced, wandered and jumped, restlessly sometimes, even at the middle of night-within me. Quite funny but its still unintelligible for me as how I lost out to her and fell so deeply in love with her movements. I’d wake up every morning feeling nauseated and dreary, but her antics would tickle me no end. She made it a point to reply every coo of mine with a movement left or right! As my delivery date neared, she demanded utmost attention; I could feel her hiccups, flutters, her hands moving and those somersaults-oh what lovely feelings-lovely to the extent of being simply indescribable!
It was now that I realized what a horrendous error would’ve it been if I had succeeded in robbing her, and myself, of all these joys and ecstasies! Moreover, I thought- if my parents had abandoned me after 20 years of all the unbound and selfless love just because of one mistake, I had absolutely no right to flush her down the drain even when she was so purely divine and innocent! And so, I began anxiously awaiting and grandly preparing for her arrival. I summoned technology to aid and Google-d to prepare a list of all those goodies which she’ll need- be it baby jablas, rubber sheets, swaddling pink blankets, lots of nappies, Dettol, branded baby powder, cream, lotions, baby oil, feeding bottle, cute pillows, socks and mittens and what not!! I stocked them all for my little fairy and madly awaited her
Finally, the D day arrived and the umbilical cord was cut to bring her into this world. Here I must confess that if bringing your mirror image into this world was so easy, it never would have started with something so unbearable called ‘labor’! It sure was the most severe pain I could’ve ever gone through, but the pain quietly subsided the moment I held her in my arms for the first time. How do I describe the feeling so divine when she opened her angelic eyes full of trust, rosy red lips giving a dreamy smile or those ten little delicate fingers which I kissed every moment or that cute button nose-undoubtedly, she was a gift of God or else how could something so perfect come to me?
I may not be a perfect singer to soothe her with a beautiful lullaby or fill the vacuum that her father so selfishly created, but I’m a mother who she can trust and cuddle up any time and with dream filled eyes for a bright future, I may now sleep blissfully only to be awakened by her melodious cries….and that, a sleeping beauty like me shall never mind!