Below is a typical pre-match session in the Pakistan team’s dressing room with some minor embellishments:
Miandad - Ok, Inzi, we both know you can’t think on your feet like say other captains like Fleming or Ponting.
Inzi - I completely agree, Javed bhai.
M - So, I’m gonna ask you a question about a match situation and then give you a couple of choices to pick from as your answer as a rehearsal for the real thing.
I - ok, boss. fire away. this tiger of yours can take on anything.
M - ok. so here it is. listen carefully. A batsman of the opposing team gets stuck into one of your bowlers and just dissects him. What will you do:
a) take off the bowler as soon as the over ends
b) talk to him, encourage him and possibly change his field into a defensive one
c) look at me in the dressing room and I, the learned, all-knowing coach, will tell you how to save the Pak team. Now, Inzi, keep in mind that statistically speaking the most common correct choice is c. just thought you’d like to know that random piece of info.
d) put your hands on your head or your hips (depending on how many catches have been dropped by the boys that day).
I - Javed bhai, I don’t like this question. it sounds complicated.
M - ok, Inzi’s what’s the answer?
[Inzi shifting nervously]
I - Javed bhai, can I have some time to think about it?
M - sure, Inzi. I’ll go and start another media war with Imran. that damn idiot robbed me of the highest test score even though I was some 100 runs short. But everyone knows I would’ve gotten it for sure.
[Inzi sits on the bench, asks Taufeeq to fetch his notebook and a pen. then also requests a calculator. Miandad comes back after 15 minutes]
M - so?
I - I forgot the choices. can you please repeat them.
M - look Inzi, I know I look intimidating but I’m honestly not gonna hurt you. now, what’s the answer?
I - well. I chose e) do nothing, wait to lose the match and make cute faces in the post match interview.
[Miandad sighs]
M - I give up. ok, Inzi. here is a manual I wrote. it covers all possible scenarios you will ever encounter on the pitch and what you should do when that happens.
I - ok, Javed bhai thanks for the cheat notes.
[flips through the pages for a minute]
I - oh. but does this mean, I’ll have to remember to read the manual?
M - ok, Inzi get up. time for the toss.
I - ok, as you wish Javed bhai. waisay, which side should I call today?
