An interesting cultural difference

Lifestyle Relationships
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I have certain things I am not flexible on, the rest I have a live and let live approach. Now for the past few weeks/months my rather rambunctious friends have all been telling me “I know a girl who is single…blah blah blah…what’s your mom’s number”. All my Pakistani friends are married so this is getting tiresome.

As a duly diligent young son, my home number is given. At this point my trademark “screw over the process” sentence starts.

“Here is my home number; I would love to have a chance to talk to the young lady whenever possible. Phone, internet blah blah whatever is acceptable.”

Family friend/friend etc get confused. A good friend of mine responded to this statement with “We are in Taliban country.” The subject was left hanging.

However this begs the question is my request to know the girl before it becomes “serious”, “official” or before the parent are involved unrealistic? I personally do not want to be in the situation where I learn more about the person after the marriage.

Forced compatibility doesn’t work in this day and age. People - desis - are far too self-centered to make things work. I prefer to know a person before putting on the old ball and shackle. At least then I know what I am in for.

So the question my dear denizens of the deep is the subject of meeting the prospective Aphrodite something that should be brokered at a later stage or one that is not mentioned at all?

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Re: An interesting cultural difference

I don't know what the answer to your question is, I'm just glad I got to know my wife before we got married and mashallah are coming up on 10 years in September (inshallah).

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Re: An interesting cultural difference

Correct me if Im wrong...this is for all the married couples...is there any way you can know everything about your spouse before you marry them? Even in love marriages, are there not surprises because you havent lived together yet? You will never be able to get to know the person entirely until you live with them CM...bottom line. If you dont want to learn more about your spouse after marriage, then it might be hard to find a Muslim girl who wants to live with you before marriage. You're better off considering non-Muslims as prospects.

And I forgot to add...marriage is a huge risk regardless of how you end up together: arranged or not. There are no guarantees...just ways to minimize that risk by a certain degree. Thats it.

I feel that you should be able to meet her during this process but not in a dating type situation. Meaning, you SHOULD meet/talk to the family a little bit and make sure these are the kind of people you might want to marry into (forget them, this is also for your sanity) and then with their permission, talk to their daughter.

Good luck

Timepass - March 2013
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Re: An interesting cultural difference

CM - we question this situation about the meeting, getting to know the person before marriage, or at least meet the person to be able to decide if you are even interested in having that person as a partner <===== all of those questions ONLY when we have not met with the person with whom we click.

If you had chemistry the first time around, the first time you even lay your eyes on the person, even before knowing that you want this person as your future partner, or parents getting involved and all that - then you would NOt question anything after that - that you want to get to KNOW this person and all that.

So work on chemistry - you won't be questioning anymore :) you will just accept without going out and getting to know

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Re: An interesting cultural difference

unfortunately, if you're using the method of "introduce me to someone you know" it is unrealistic. In our culture, a girl's reputation is much more delicate than a guys, so parents want to make sure she doesn't get attached to someone and then dumped. She may take a lot of time to get over it emotionally, and people might gossip about it, and in the end it'll be harder for her to find someone else.

If it's someone at work/school that you know, and then things develop after that, it is realistic to know someone without getting parents involved. Even then, she's not going to tell her parents/relatives/family friends that she's starting a relationship.

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Re: An interesting cultural difference

Meet her as a stranger. Know her as a friend. Love her as a husband and protect her like a kid.

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Re: An interesting cultural difference

Dude, where did you steal this from? Arjay Uncle's Quotations Galore???

Timepass - March 2013
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Re: An interesting cultural difference

First take off the Shining Armour!....................Mr Knight................:)

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Re: An interesting cultural difference

I have a brain too :vivo:

:snooty:

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Re: An interesting cultural difference

A few clarifications. I am not interested in dating the woman. I am not interested in a relationship before marriage. I am certainly not interested in the whole "western experience" of meeting in a bar, chatting on the phone, grabbing dinner and then tell our parents. That won't happen. Of course I am not asking to be introduced to anybody. My friends believe that misery should be spread and anybody who is single most be forced into marriage at gun point.

Now I completely agree that marriage is a chance. There is risk, but there is also something called risk management and damage mitigation. Additionally in my situation where I will know relatively well that my life will not be stationary. I will not live in one city for the rest of my life. I am the type to move every few years. I want to be in the field etc. It is rather prudent to inform the woman of this well before hand. If the discussion goes to parents and then this is brought up it could get difficult.

I have seen situations where forced compromises were made that didn't work out well at the end.

The one thing I am rather actively trying to avoid is talking to parents in general. Sure its culture. Sure its tradition, but I don't think my job, my bank balance should be the ultimate deciding factors in the prospective marriage. Rather clicking or chemistry should be the basis and from their built upon. I for one wish to use that 1 hour conversation or so to see if we have anything in common. Any chemistry if you will.

But by the general comments I see that is not possible. So I revise my tactics.

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Re: An interesting cultural difference

CM , I will give you the girls perspective, my sister, she has exact same concerns as you about the potential rishta's ... my parents tell her that we are not going to finalize the proposal forcefully, we will meet the family and the boy and once we feel the families are compatible , both you and the guy can have conversations to explore your compatibility. The boy's family can be invited over many times and the vice versa in a bid to get to know each other.

Its always better to have the girl conversing with someone we know are a good family rather then putting her at risk of talking to any tom,dick and harry.

Say after a few conversations the girl or the boy find each other non compatible , and despite the fact that both families find each other an attractive option , the proposal will be dropped.

I dont see anything wrong with this process , for men its easy to say that we want to check out the girl before involving the parents , but from the girls perspective its a security risk , who dont know who the other person is , the world is full of liars and fraudsters .. why should someone compromise their daughters security ?

I hope it clarifies your concern .. good luck :@:

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Re: An interesting cultural difference

If you are the type to move every few years, wants to live in Pakistan after marriage or anything else for that matter...discuss it with her. Of course it will get difficult if you decide to drop a bomb on them one fine day with no warning, thats common sense. So you practice some risk management/damage mitigation by making sure to discuss this with the girl rather then the parents right before the wedding. I dont think its that difficult.

If you're avoiding talking to parents in general then you will have a hard time marrying a girl that you might not end up dating. And not all parents are interested or concerned with your bank balance. My parents never asked for bank statements. Your job WILL be under scrutiny because one of your pre-marriage conditions is that you want to be able to move around to be able to work in the field. How can your job not come into light? Expect it to a certain exent. Be prepared to back up your claims...thats all it is. (E.g. If you claim you're a citizen of the USA and are not marrying for a green card, be prepared to show your naturalization papers) Its about honesty.

My parents wanted to make sure the guys were respectful, educated and had an overall understanding of religion. That much you will have to do if you want a good woman...otherwise anything is possible but this will be very difficult to do with a Muslim girl. Just like you feel you have every right to get to know the girl before marriage...parents have every right to protect their children from scenarios that can result negatively.