Ok so let's say you do what NomiCA says and tell them that your daughter isn't ready...but I'm talking about the initial approach.
Suppose one fine evening, you're having chai and these good friends of yours ring the doorbell and come in with a big smile. You welcome them and have chai together, and just when you're about to take a bite into that crispy samosa, your friend says: "Today we're here with a proposal. We've been thinking about this for a while and we've known your family for years. Nothing will give us greater pleasure than having your daughter as our bahu."
Will the aloo fall out of the samosa and drop on your floor, or will you take the bite, swallow and smile? What would you say if you really can't imagine this happening...chances are that you too have thought about this situation before and have secretly hoped that it would never come up?
Or will the aloo get stuck in the throat?
There are many excuses to make:
1) Sorry but I am looking for guy from India/Pakistan(incase you are living abroad)
2)Sorry we are looking for a proposal from abroad(Incase you are living in india/Pakistan)
3)Sorry we have had a discussion about her marriage and she says she is not at all prepared and wants two more years.She has applied for a scholorship with x and y university...
If I were in your position,Madam,I would tell them openly that we do not prefer to have this alliance.Ultimately it's our (your) daughter's life and if you do not find something not right with they guy,.what's harm in telling them?Indeed ,if they are sensible enough they will understand it and will make the necessary corrections.
I would refrain from putting anything on the daughter's shoulders......these sorts of tactics will haunt her in the future. Desi society is ruthless.....if we say things like "She is not ready for marriage" etc, etc....the rejected potential MIL will be on the phone two days later telling her confidant how stuck up the girl is and suddenly Sakeena has a reputation for being "picky", "stuck up" or "vain".
The only thing that I would hazard to say, if I had no other choice, is that Sakeena thinks of Abdul Qayyum as a brother and doesn't believe that she can change her mindset. We are nonetheless completely over the moon that you consider us worthy of family ties and with this in mind ask your permission to look for an equally khoobsoorat-o-khoobseerat bahu for OUR son. Do tell us if there are any particulars that Abdul Qayyum has on his list for his potential humsafar.......
This happend recently....my dad just said we dont marry outside of caste
I would respond by saying 'maybe you should only have friends from your own caste too' and never speak to them again.
To be honest I know people want the best for thier children but sometimes marrying them into families you are close with is not the best thing to do. Look at all the drama that can occur with cousin marriages. I would not put my friend in that position in the 1st place.
I think the "bhai" approach is better because hopefully the parents will think (if they're smart)....that seeing your spouse as a brother is not conducive to a marriage. You could argue that in our culture every guy is like a bhai....but if the point is made clearly that she absolutely can't see him as anything more than her bhai...that should get the message across. Now if the guy was interested in her....that would hurt. But if the guy is not that involved and it's his parents that are pushing the rishta........then at least it can even be seen as a positive thing that one respects/considers you close enough to be almost like a family member (brother, sister, etc) even if they can't see you as a life partner.
To be honest your bhai approach sounds kinda lame. Family friends are family friends and unless you've been neighbours all your life and went to the same school etc. I don't see how a girl coming to see a family friend's son as a bhai is possible. And that the brotherly feeling is SO strong that she absolutely can't marry. I don't see that working, I'd think the other family would politely back off but they would still know you're bull****ting them.
how long have the families been together?
how well the boy and girl been friends?
Do the families live nearby?
Have there been previous problems between the families?
How important is the relationship with the family?
what
how
where
when
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Lol exactly, I didn't read this while I was posting, same thing.
Families have known each other since their kids were like 4-5 years old. So for about 20 years.
Boy and girl have been friends all that time but not buddies...no Facebook, phonecalls, texts, just get togethers on Eids and family occasions.
Here in the USA.
The girl's parents are conservative enough where they've establish neat boundaries for their children. So even though the parents have been very close, the children of the opposite sex never really "mingled" or went out together.
So let's say your daughter gets a proposal from a very close family friend for their son, but you don't like that guy for your daughter for some reason, not a character issue, but since you know them so well, you've seen many weaknesses of that boy. How do you reject it without offending your friend?
this is how my mother did. "thank you for considering our daughter. you guys are great, and may ALLAH SWT grant your son with a good companion. We are still not considering for her at the moment, but nonetheless, thanks a lot. It was really an honour."
my mom keeps it simple and minimal. in fact aunty jees are always like "inno nay baray achay tareekay say inkaar kia hai"
Our daughter needs to finish up her studies.
We already have looked into some other rishta for her. Beshakh there shudnt b anyother lols.
I guess thts abt it.
The "bhai" reasoning was suggested because (to me) it seemed the more polite reason to give. I wasn't going with "100% fool-proof believable" here, Rizla...and people will vary in what they consider believable and what they think is bull. Rather, I was thinking of something that (IMO) would come across as least offensive. Saying that my daughter just isn't attracted, or has a higher degree, or is just different from your son, or that we're looking into other rishtas might even lead to resentment.
I thought that other excuses could even lead to the guy's family thinking that they should try again at a later point...or they might "push" the matter a bit more. That's why I suggested the "bhai" reason...because the parents or guy if he has an interest ....(IMO, and relax, it's just an opinion)...would be more deterred if they were told that the daughter can't see him as anything other than a brother, etc. While some parents....or even the guy...might think the excuse is lame/bull (as you put it)........other parents/guys might even think ...."Okay, the girl has the right to her opinion. If she doesn't see him in that way...then it's better not to pursue the matter any further." Again, my main purpose was to think of something that would seem the least offensive...and would bring the matter to a complete halt...and not let it linger or continue.
So let's say your daughter gets a proposal from a very close family friend for their son, but you don't like that guy for your daughter for some reason, not a character issue, but since you know them so well, you've seen many weaknesses of that boy. How do you reject it without offending your friend?
. JoRa acha hai.