So I have kind of a long story to tell, and to be honest, I don't know why I'm telling it. I guess I hope to hear some advice from people or just to get a thrid opinion in the storm that has become my life. So I was born and raised in the USA. My parents are both Pakistani. They are very conservative and very traditional. They both come from small towns in Pakistan and try to hold on to the same values that they were raised with. My parents are not very wealthy, lower middle class. However, I was able to get a scholarship to a really good college that I now attend, shukar allhamdulilah. Even though my parents are not wealthy, I know that I will be able to establish a good life for myself and I am planning on going to graduate school.
My parents have always been worried about getting rishtas for me here, not because I wont get rishtas but because there has been an epidemic of divorces in the young Pakistani community. Although I did not know this, they had always planned to take me back to Pakistan to get me married there. When I came home for Christmas vacation this year (I'm 19 btw) my mom told me that I had gotten a rishta from my khala's son who lives abroad (not in Pakistan) and has a good job there. I was totally taken aback by this. First of all, I'm only in my first year of college and second of all, I had always been upfront about the fact that I did not want to marry a cousin and that I did not want to marry some one who was raised in Pakistan. I honestly don't think these are unreasonable expectations, especially the one about marrying a cousin given all of the scientific evidence pointing to the cons of this practice. But basically ever since my mom told me about this rishta, my life has been turned into a living hell. I have been trying my hardest to say no because I also don't think that 19 is an age where you can enter into a committed relationship that you are expected to be in for the rest of your life. My plans for graduate school are still uncertain and I'm not sure what I want from my life yet.
Every time my mom and I talk about this, she tells me that I am lucky that I got such a great ristha. My cousin comes from a good family, he’s good looking, shareef, and he has a good job. He can also come to the US pretty easily because his job can get transfered since he works for an international company. I am flattered that they asked but I just don’t understand why my mom has no faith in me to find someone else. Every time I try to refuse the rishta she starts talking about all of the girls here who have gotten divorced recently and says that I am not prettier than any of them or better educated than any of them and on top of that, my family is not wealthy like theirs. She’s making me feel like crap. She basically says that if I say no to this rishta and marry some one here then I will end up divorced and miserable and I would have shamed the family. No matter how hard I try to explain why I can’t marry some one that is my cousin, she says thats a stupid reason for rejecting some one. Normally when my parents get on my case like this, I give in to what they want but for some reason, something in my heart is stopping me from saying yes to this rishta. My dad is also pressuring me to say yes. I know that they think this rishta is best for me and that I wont find anyone better than this guy but I’m only 19. I can’t just make myself settle for someone at this age. What should I do?
Also, in our community here no one really does the rishta process. Everyone finds people for themselves. And there aren't really a lot of elegible guys in our community either so there isn't that option. My mom always argues that I have no one to fall back on. If I could give her another alternative to my cousin then she says I would have a valuable argument. When I tell her that I might meet someone when I'm a bit older, (in grad school or in the work place) she always says, well what if you don't. There's no guarantee that there will be Muslim or Pakistani guys in my grad school or at my job who are interested in me. Also, I go to an all women's college now so there's not a chance of me meeting some one there. Also, like I said earlier, I think its immature to rush into a relationship at this age.
STA, I have but they need an answer now. Its been 6 months and I'm ready for this chapter of my life to be over. However, everytime I tell them to say no we get into a huge argument and nothing gets resolved.
your situation as you mentioned it yourself that there is no eligible guy in your community/grad school(gal only)/work(who knows about future). According to you mom that you will not get good rishta and she underestimate you on the basis of physical appearance (this matter is still subjective because we have not seen you yet). As you also consider that 19 years of old is too early and I also agree with it.
It sounds good to me that your cousin isnt that bad, you should give him chance. Lets make this thing escalate 6 more month in the name of getting to know phase in rishta process. The only respectable option for you is to buy more time. You may ask them to postpone your whole marriage thing till your graduation. I think, it would be good deal for you and you can enjoy your life as single as you wish.
I know it's easier said than done but dont' let your mother's words (that you're not pretty or educated etc) bring you down.
I understand why you don't want to marry a cousin or someone raised in Pakistan BUT, is it possible for you to even entertain the thought? If he does have good quality, it's possible that he will make a good spouse and you'll be happy with him.
If possible...can you meet him? start speaking to him? put aside the thought that "he is my cousin" and see if you genuinely like him.
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My cousin comes from a good family, he's good looking, shareef, and he has a good job. He can also come to the US pretty easily because his job can get transfered since he works for an international company
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What else do you need? I think you just made up your mind that you are not going to marry someone from Pakistan, however your cousin has more to offer than any ABCD can offer.
If you dont have a better option than him available, I say that you should say yes.
^But just because there isn't another option available right now, doesn't mean there won't be one in the future. It also doesn't mean that she has to say yes to this particular guy.
Sindhichokri - Timing is everything. I am sure if you were graduated and had a better idea of what your future holds for you career wise, you would be considering this rishta with a more open mind. At 19, it feels like everything is black and white and we have our mind made up about so many issues. But later on you'll realise that the world isn't all black and white and a person's geographical location does not say anything about them being a compatible life partner.
Noone can force you into anything. So tell your mom that you feel you are too young to get married and would prefer to concentrate on your studies and your future at this point. If your parents are as traditional and conservative as you say, then the cousin-marriage and him being a fob arguments are not going to work out in your favor.
u sound like a pretty smart girl... wahts the harm in meeting and greeting.... and if things click.. there is such a thing as engagement. if they like you enough and want it to work out.. who knows.. maybe they can wait for you to finish your education?
maybe your mom should ask his mom bout these q's and get back to you...
@SC. I suggest you explain this to your mother. And if she doesn't then keep refusing the rishta. Do not let ya're self drown into this. Ya're very young and insha'allah will meet someone someday when time is right. Focus on ya're studies and do what you need to do. I tell this to my young sister..who is ya're age as well. Do ya have any khala, chacha or anyone in ya're family who can explain this to ya're parents??
Ha…yea my parents tried the whole “If you don’t marry him…you won’t find anyone else” years ago too. My stubborn self responded with “That’s fine. I’m perfectly ok with spending the rest of my life single.”. They didn’t really have a counter-argument to that. :halo:
At 19, you’re too young to get married. Doesn’t matter who the guy is or how great of a “catch” he is. You’re still learning about yourself as a person. Right now, you need to focus on your education. MANY girls manage to get past the age of 19 and find a great guy to marry. Your mother can not predict the future. All the negative comments she’s saying towards you…that’s an attempt to emotionall blackmail you into giving in…and I think you’re intelligent enough to realize this. And the argument about your parents lack of wealth…if a guy and his family rejects your because your parents aren’t wealthy…then you should consider yourself blessed that God saved you from such a$$holes.
If you have decided that you do not want to marry a man who’s related to you (ie. cousin) and you do not want to marry a man who was raised in Pakistan…there is NOTHING wrong with that! It’s your life. Your parents and none of us on GS will be with you in your daily life. YOU are the one who will spend the rest of your life living with your husband. Thus, you have every right to decide what criterias are important to when it comes to choosing a husband.
I think you need to surround yourself with friends and other who support your decision to continue your education. I’m sure it’s difficult, but please try to remember that you’re not worthless. Your parents are using your feelings for them against you (emotional blackmail is a common desi parenting method). If you have dreams of going to grad school, pursue that and do not allow ANYONE to deter you from your goal. You mentioned going home for Christmas vacation so I take it that you’re not even living with your parents right now (away for college?). Take advantage of this distance and build your own independence and self-confidence.
I agree that you need to buy time. Do not agree to an engagement or anything else with this cousin. Tell your parents firmly and very clearly that right now, you have absolutely no interest in getting married to this cousin or anyone else. Tell them you want to finish your undergrad first. Once you’ve done that, then at that time, rishta talks can begin (whether its this cousin or someone else). Do not get tricked into having any “discussions” about this. “I will not entertain any rishta talks until I have graduated from college. I do not care how amazing the guy is”…that is the ONLY response you should give your parents. No other “discussion” as that opens the avenue for further emotional blackmail. Being very firm on not considering ANY rishtas until undergrad is over should buy you at least 2 more years. By the time you finish your undergrad, you should have a solid plan on how you want to continue your education and/or career…and have more confidence in yourself as a woman (this will allow you to deal with your parents better if you want to delay marriage at that time too).
** Oh and on a side note, just to lessen the chance of you getting cornered and in a situation where you’re literally forced to do something against your will…you may also want to hold off on travelling to Pakistan until you’re at least engaged down the road (to whomever).
Thanks for your advice everyone. I just wanted to clear something up and that was, the guys side said that I could continue my education and go to grad school if I wanted. If I were to say yes, we would most likely get married after I was done with my Bachelors so continuing my education is not the issue. Normally I'm really submissive to my parents and give in to whatever they want from me, but for some reason I just can't say yes to this. I don't know what to do. My parents are getting to the point where I'm really scared of what they will do. My mom is saying stuff that I couldn't even fathom her saying before. I still have three months left before I can go back to college and I don't know how I'm going to make it until then. I feel really trapped. I've tried appealing to them in so many different ways (religiously, culturally etc). I said that even in Islam girls have the right to refuse guys that they don't want and my mom just continues anyway. My dad says he's given up. But thanks again for your advice guys.