So basically, I am just wondering if I am right to think the way I am thinking.
I got married a few months back. I am a girl but since I earn well I contributed 10 lakhs from my savings for the wedding expenses. This covered most of the event costs other than jewellery (jewellery was done by mom but is still in her locker. she says I cant keep it in my shared lockers with my husband till I have a few kids and am sure about my husband. MILs jewellery is with me. Have known husband for 7+ years and its a love marriage but still I dont really care for jewellery and am ok with the locker issue)
Anyway my real issue is salami. All valima salami was handed over by my MIL to my husband and me. All shaadi salami was kept by mom. This depsite the fact that my family is quite well-off and I paid for 75% wedding costs (event, furniture, clothes NOT including jewelery).
My mom says it is a tradition for the girls family to keep any envelopes/gifts given at baraat by mother’s side. I feel what she did was wrong especially since I contributed my savings for the wedding instead of using them for my new life. I do not want the salami back but just want to know if I am right? Fyi my husband does not care about this but feel what my mother did was not right.
When I complained about this to my mother she was quite nasty, said my husband had instigated me (which he had not), said my MIL bought poor quality jewelery (her jewellery was fine I think tho not grad my mil being a single parent), that my in-laws are greedy and that I spend my salary on my husband’s home (husband and I share both our salaries, combine our finances. mom feels I should keep mine separate but I trust hubby since he shares his too).
I have always had issues with my mother as do my siblings. On eid day for instance, as kids we always had to hand over all our eidi since she had given eidi to others people’s kids and needed it reimbursed. Lately I am finding her very absusive (in many, many ways) so I just wanted to point out what she did was wrong. Am I right? What is baraat salami protocol?
This is a first...where it's the mother and not the MIL. I'm sorry to hear your mom is being like this. I don't know if there's a set protocol for salami money. Husband and I got ours from both sides. Hubby and I wanted to give my side of the money to my parents because they paid most of my side of the wedding. But my dad didn't take the money.
But I do think usually it's the bride and the groom that get to keep it? Because essentially it's a wedding gift and a wedding gift belongs to the people who got married.
Well all my Nikah and baraat salaami was kept by my parents by my agreement since they paid for everything, besides most of the guests were friends/colleagues of my parents and when those people's kids get married my parents have to give them salaami too.
some well off people donate all of salaami to charity right away with niyat of a blessed marriage
for eidi, my son is 2 and we keep his eidees when he gets older he will get to buy toys/books out of his own choice
WOw, that's strange. I don't remember what happened exactly with my salaami but I remeber my parents gave me a large amount of $$ a few months later. BUT you've also pointed out that she's been abusive in other ways, so that's the main issue I think...
I have always had issues with my mother as do my siblings. On eid day for instance, as kids we always had to hand over all our eidi since she had given eidi to others people's kids and needed it reimbursed. Lately I am finding her very absusive (in many, many ways) so I just wanted to point out what she did was wrong. Am I right? What is baraat salami protocol?
You are not being unreasonable. As you said yourself, your mother has been abusive in many other ways too. I'm very surprised that she's so negative about your in-laws/husband. I'm also amazed that your parents allowed you to pay for majority of the wedding from your persona income even though they're well-off financially.
I'd say forget about all the money/jewelry. No point in wasting your precious time/energy in disagreements with your mother about this. Focus on your marriage and building a strong bond with your husband/in-laws. Oh and also, STOP sharing details about your marriage with your mother! Especially given her personality and reaction to this marriage so far....there is no reason for you to share how you and your run your finances or any other details of your marriage.
I am not married. But if my parents wanted to keep the salaami, I personally don't think that I would have an issue with it. They have raised me and spent so much on me my whole life. And they will likely have to pay the other relatives' children on their weddings too. So really it's such a small issue to be fussing over.
Her attitude is what concerns me. Usually step parents act like this (i.e. wanting to keep control over money). Was she opposed to you marrying your husband?
As Paheli suggested, if I were you, I would focus on my marriage and not let other people's negativity get in the way of my happiness.
I know its hard to pay for these weddings we have. Its expensive and a constant cash drain. My advice to you is...if you're not struggling financially in your own life...then let it go. You didn't lose this money to a neighbor...you let your mom have it. She may be abusive, she may have issues but she's your mom. If you dislike her attitude and her treatment of you and your siblings...that's another issue. But don't hold money against your parents. Desi parents are a bit dramatic and strange at times I know. Her keeping the money even though you paid for majority of the wedding was not exactly nice but you can rebuild your savings Inshallah. Leave this issue alone and try to work on your relationship with her.
Wow! Yes usually parents keep salami cuz they have paid for the wedding. In ur case even if u financed ur wedding 75%, u can't put a price to everything. Parents are never unfair to their kids.
Wow! Yes usually parents keep salami cuz they have paid for the wedding. In ur case even if u financed ur wedding 75%, u can't put a price to everything. Parents are never unfair to their kids.
I disagree with this...parents can be unfair...they are human and can make mistakes. But sometimes either they don't know or they just don't see the bigger picture.
It does happen.
But I think at some point in your life you have to decide what is more important and pick your battles. Your mom is your mom...she will always be your mother and you only get one.
Speaking in general terms, this is weird. All these life1 threads about money between spouses, money between parents and children...my share...your share....I owe...you owe...hisaab kithaab....I gave this much to so-and-so and in turn should get this much back...maybe I'm just a simpleton, but seriously, I'm really shaking my head here.
One of my most random childhood memories is when I was 9 yrs old and I had my ameen and I remember that I got like around $1100 in cash gifts...of course my parents kept it to help pay for the cost of the dawat! I don't think it was evil of them to not put it in an interest bearing account for my future use. As a parent now, do I grab a $10 bill from my kids' Eidi envelope/stash when I'm running out the door and don't have time to go to the ATM....hell yes!
As far as wedding salami goes...a couple of days after my wedding, when we were leaving for our honeymoon, my Ammi handed me and my husband a fat wad of cash, saying "yay tumhara salami me se milaa, rahklo...honeymoon par kaam ayegaa"...it did not even dawn on me to ask if that was the whole amount, or if she had kept a portion of it. Had she not even given us any at all, I don't think my husband would have questioned it.
it is pretty much normal that parents keep the salami and cash gifts. even if they are well off. the simple rationale behind this is they have to give gifts to people who gave salami when their kids get married. ld bet since in your case you have covered the cost of your wedding i feel it would have been nice if your mom handed over the salami and cash gifts to you.
m not married but my siblings are and when my sis got married and guests on our side gave her cash gifts she herself tried to return to our mom but by my mom didnt take it. at my brother's wedding he got to keep the salami to himself( the salami envelope that in our family given on the day of nikkah after nikkah is done), but the cash gifts were kept my by mom and people in our family mark the cash envelopes with parents names only again because the wedding invite is basically given by the parents. all the expenses even of my brother's wedding was covered by my dad only, even he paid for the mun dikhai gold set my brother bought for his wife so in this scenario it is reasonable if parents keep cash gifts.
anyhow as u mentioned you earn well so whatever approach ur mom has no matter how al it is i suggest u to let go. shes your mom afterall and need to be respected by you in any case so don't indulge in any kind of arguments with her that might upset her too.