Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
I am in such a situation except that we’ve never had any direct confrontations so far. I am not informed about any major decisions/news at all and I usually get to know from my jethani or husband’s cousins about them.All kids of sil’s, etc get presents from mil whenever she visits, mine never get ANYTHING ever. I and jethani are the ONLY dil’s from totally stranger families, rest of them have intermarriages of extreme types and each husband and wife can count atleast 10 relations they have with each other in addition to being spouses.So I have been clearly called “bahir wali” many times.
I used to feel bad and left out earlier and hopes things might change with time but I cannot change my blood to become “under wali” so this part will stay the same always. as for not being involved in their family matters or affairs, does it really make any difference to me? no ! I feel if I am made a part of all the “news”,etc, there are more chances of me being dragged into any related family politics,etc which would just be an additional headache.
I live in another city and visit IL’s every few weeks for a weekend or so. My room there is always occupied by sil or the " keys are misplaced " and things like that. I felt bad years ago but I dont get bothered anymore. I just ask her “kahan sona hai” and take kids to that room (which is always a different one from what was provided last time),get thankful to Allah I dont have to live in there 24/7, spend my time dressed up,cooking something special for lunch or dinner once,keep my bags packed up-to-date and come back home.
I dont buy gifts for anyone anymore unless husband tells me to or I just remind him of any birthdays or anniversaries so he knows I am concerned but buying gifts or not it not in my list anymore. and since I dont buy presents,I know I shouldn’t deserve any either. easy?
for kids, I buy them stuff I like so their happiness or confidence is not dependant on how their grandmother treats them in a few days meetings. just that I take them to another room when mil is showering sil’s kids with presents so they dont feel left out.
So, it’s not difficult at all to make few modifications in how you perceive things. Allah has provided you a home of your own and your parents and siblings so you need not to be dependant on anyone else.
Araam se Pakistan jao, shadi enjoy karo aur wapis aao ! refusing to go will create problems between you and your husband.
I missed this when writing up my post. Here’s a good example of what you need to do. You can’t control what the in laws do, but you can control how you react to it and how you let it affect you (well to some extent anyway).