Am I being too hard on her?

[MM]

Re: Am I being too hard on her?

@Paheli00

Firstly, the fact that you sister was born in the U.S., grew up in a community with not many desis, did not get much exposure to desi culture, and have spent a total of 6 months out of 16 years in Pakistan…**all this falls on your parents. ** Its seems from your post that your sister considers herself an “American” first…and that’s completely understandable based on the other information you provided. She’s not able to relate to desi culture/values etc. the way you do…and that’s not her fault.

Secondly, I get the impression that this has been an on-going issue for years (ie. your sister not being “desi” enough). I imagine her complaining about lack of freedom etc…this is not something new. What I’m confused about is why you, her older sister, is the one disciplining her?! Where are your parents? Even if your dad works a lot (including business travel)…what about your mom?

**There is absolutely no mention of your parents in all this. Their thoughts…what they have done as parents to deal with this etc. **

First off, I stopped reading after about half way down. This is one thing I love about the desi community.. SO QUICK to pass judgement and point fingers before anything else
Well.. I’m going to go ahead and address a few points. 1) If my parents were the “blame”, I’m pretty sure all 4 of us, myself, my 2 brothers, and my sister, would all be in the same boat as far as “not being desi enough.” No one has EVER forced any sort of ideas or thoughts in our mind. Alhumdulilla, our parents have raised us to be individuals, but at the same time, not be ashamed of our roots.

And as far as my parents go… I already mentioned my parents once, and I’ll mention the rest a little lower (in response to other comments)

@stoppit

I don’t agree with the comments regarding your involvement. I am the eldest sibling and** my parents trusted me with most of the disciplining** and parenting - I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with that. If anything, I was in a better position because parents can often be out of touch especially in regards to this kind of stuff. **Even if my parents did say anything to my siblings if they were doing stuff that is not acceptable in our family environment it would have gone in one ear and out of the other. Whereas what I said to say had a lot more impact. **

But I don’t think taking away her stuff and stopping access is going to help if you want to look out for her in the long term.

I’m glad some people can relate. I don’t, and never did, think that I’m more fit to parent than our parents. But yes, considering, even if my parents have been in the states for most of their life, and what have you, they were raised in Pakistan and still have some of the “old school” ways. They, obviously, know that I grew up in the same environment that my siblings are in now, and being the eldest, they trust my judgement.

As far as taking her stuff away goes, it’s not like I’m taking it away for ever.
When a child is given privileges, if they misbehave, or make a mistake, they are punished. I’m not going to hit her or yell at her (I don’t beleive in either of those two being a way to solve any issue), so I take something away from her.

Yes, we do have skype and we do communicate with our father when he’s away . But I’m surely not going to tell my dad “Hey Baba, while you’re away stressing about what you’re doing, there’s something non-life threatening going on at home that I think I need to add to your platter of stresses.”
The discussion that was to be had after dinner was not intended to be a “gang up” of any sort. LOL!!! Most families actually discuss their problems… as a family… and come to a solution…** Together**? WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!?! :o Lol… (This little bit is just for you, Paheli)

@kakee

I think its weird too as the eldest I wouldn’t invade my sisters privacy like that and Phalie is right** you have no right to since you’re not her mother**.

I’ll give you that. I would have hated it if someone went through my stuff. Not because I have any thing to hide, but yea, everyone has their own privacy. You’re absolutely right. But, if I’m given a reason to be worried, I’m gona go ahead and follow my instinct and try and stop a mistake or problem before it occurs. If that causes me to invade someone’s privacy, as long as that person is my family member, and I’m doing it for their best interest, I personally see nothing wrong with that. That’s my opinion. And you see something wrong with that, and that’s your opinion But having right or not.. That’s not the question that was being asked. Lol… If I felt I had no right, I would have let my mother handle it. Which… over all, I’m not going to make any decisions with out my mother’s consent. I know enough to know that my mom would not be upset over my (temporarily) taking my sister’s phone. After we talked, again, as a family, what happens from there, would be based on the assessment of the situation, from my mom’s point of view.

@inspiron

If I was your younger sister, because you took my phone away from me and tried to take all my freedom away, I would find it hard to tell you anything or be honest with you for a very long time and I would find better more secretive ways of doing things. Its not the right way to discipline in my opinion.
I think you are being too harsh on her by taking away her phone etc.

Yeah, again, taking her phone and use of the internet is solely based on what I found. (That’s not part of this discussion.) I’m not taking her freedom away. I’m not stopping her from thinking, having her own thought or personality, not am i “forcing Pakistani values on her”… Still not sure what are considered “Pakistani values”. We do talk, and she tells me about the attention she gets from boys, and naturally, what girl doesn’t like attention, right? And I have to be the one to explain to her that that sort of attention doesn’t lead to good things..
But back to what you were saying, yea I agree. I know it wasn’t a rational decision, on my part, but at the time, I had nothing else I could do. It was 2am (LOL) and everyone else in the house was sleeping. I wasn’t going to sit down and give her a lecture, and then not say anything to my rents. I did tell her I was really disappointed in her, and expected her to know better. I asked her to go to sleep, and told her we would talk tomorrow.

I’m not going to sit here and say that my family is 100% westernized, because we’re not. We don’t attend EVERY desi gathering, because, believe it or not, they are pointless and a waste of time, for the most part. My parents don’t stop us from doing most things that the “average” Pakistani family doesn’t allow their children to do… But at the same time, we KNOW who we were, were we’re from, and what we represent.

@canadiandesigirl

The reason I think OP is not doing the right thing was because A) she shouldn’t snoop through her sisters phone etc (she should be able to talk to her) B) taking away computer/phone isn’t going to help and lastly C) embarrassing her infront of the family isn’t going to help. Sit her down and talk to

Point A and B have been answered above. No use repeating myself again.

So has C… but .. again.. embarrassing her? LOL.
So because I prefer to speak about an issue that affects the family as a while… with my family… I’m embarrassing her?
Not all families are the same, yes, but my family talk things out. We don’t just brush things under the rug and wait for them to go away.