Re: Am I being too hard on her?
Firstly, the fact that you sister was born in the U.S., grew up in a community with not many desis, did not get much exposure to desi culture, and have spent a total of 6 months out of 16 years in Pakistan…all this falls on your parents. Its seems from your post that your sister considers herself an “American” first…and that’s completely understandable based on the other information you provided. She’s not able to relate to desi culture/values etc. the way you do…and that’s not her fault.
Secondly, I get the impression that this has been an on-going issue for years (ie. your sister not being “desi” enough). I imagine her complaining about lack of freedom etc…this is not something new. What I’m confused about is why you, her older sister, is the one disciplining her?! Where are your parents? Even if your dad works a lot (including business travel)…what about your mom?
There is absolutely no mention of your parents in all this. Their thoughts…what they have done as parents to deal with this etc.
Who is this “everyone” that needs to be present after dinner in order to talk with your sister? Has your mother or father sat with her and talk to her about any of her behavior? And even if your father is travelling on business…he still has access to phones, internet (Skype?) right? He can still get in touch with your sister if the situation is serious enough right?
As the eldest of 2 sisters, I find this highly disturbing. And my sisters are considerably younger than me (more than 6 years age difference). Unless you saw something that was an immediate threat to your sister’s safety…what gave you the authority to discipline her? Why wasn’t it your mother that took away the phone and put the passwords on?
What exactly is your sister doing (or wanting to do) that’s so horrible? Has your sister or any of her friends ever actually done something that leads you to believe that they can’t be trusted? Does she hang out with a crowd of delinquent teenagers who’re into partying, drugs, not going to school etc.?
If you continue to force Pakistani values on her…even though she was raised and considers herself to be more American…if you (and the family) gang up against her…it has a strong possibility to drive her away. Keep in mind that once she turns 18…you can’t force her to stay in the house. Doing things like snooping through her phone and putting passwords on all family computers will only make her feel isolated, and make her lose respect for you. I’ve seen several cases of kids (desi and non-desi) who left home the minute they turned 18 due to behaviors like this. Heck I myself moved out of the house as soon as I graduated from college b/c my own mother had a habit of snooping through my stuff! So while you want to protect her and keep her safe…take the time to understand what HER values are, and where she’s coming from. B/C based on what you’ve written so far…I don’t see your actions doing anything positive for her in the long-run.