The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some recent winning entries:
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Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
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Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you
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Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
The Post also invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are some of those winners:
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Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
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Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
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Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid (e.g.: “I’m a doctor…”)
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Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
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Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
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Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
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Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
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Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
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Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
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Glibido: All talk and no action.
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Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
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Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an #@#!.