Hello there
Its been a while since I have posted here. Been too busy with my kids to check anything going on online. I am posting today cuz I need some advice from you guys. I have good experience in getting advice from clever people here.
It is realted to my SIL’s husband. She married him some years back in Pakistan. She was introduced to him through their common friend whom they both respect a lot and she went ahead for it all alone and travelled alone to Pakistan to get married to him despite her father and brother advising her not to at that moment. She had previously been married twice (both men were from Pakistan and even one of them was introduced to her through the same friend who connected her to this 3rd husband) and her stance was that she knows better for herself and she was in a hurry cuz she wanted to have more children (she was turning 38 or so at that time). She never spoke to me about the rishta or getting married.
Well she went ahead and married this guy whom she had only spoken to via Skype a few times. Now this guy came from Pakistan some years back and is constantly taunting her over small stuff. It could be stuff like “you don’t even know how to make an egg” (in front of her father in law visiting from Pakistan).
Lately he has started to ask me how I got married and if my husband had come alone to marry me. Obviously with this man’s personality and the way he got married to my SIL I know where it would lead to. He is looking to create issues in the family that SIL came alone to marry him.
I feel that like he is always looking for stuff he can make issues of. He has become like that since his visa was confirmed. Now his aim is to apply for the nationality and he will gain it in a few years.
Men like him are real scum imo. My sister is married to such a man and I have seen how my sister’s life has been ruined. I can see the same happening to my SIL. Difference is that SIL is never willing to listen to anyone and is a very difficult person to deal with in general. One cant even coordinate normal stuff with her.
So with a SIL like that and her husband like that, would you respond to SIL’s husband’s remarks? Or would you just ignore them both and carry on as if everything is normal when you socialize with them?
To be honest it is very difficult to just ignore those stupid questions and remarks especially when he is in my home acting as if he owns the Place With the attitude he has.
i would go with your own idea of "ignore them both and carry on as if everything is normal when you socialize with them". she didn't consult you or care for your opinion when she married the guy nor will she do the same now. let them be and deal with it.
thanks for Your replies. We dont live in the same house. They are the only family we have in this city and I therefore invite them over for dinner every now and then. I guess I should should start tolerating his crap but it is not easy for me to swallow personal questions and remarks about how I got married.
Isn’t it offending a woman when asking did your husband come alone to marry you? I mean, in a Pakistani setting one wouldn’t go into these themes or what?
You are right that SIL is an adult and she obviously doesn’t listen to others. But I cant help it when I see how their marriage is developing. However she isn’t willing to seek any advice or take small actions to improve her situation. Instead she keeps on doing what she has planned. She has always been like that.
Should I just watch her falling and just ignore it?
thanks for Your replies. We dont live in the same house. They are the only family we have in this city and I therefore invite them over for dinner every now and then. I guess I should should start tolerating his crap but it is not easy for me to swallow personal questions and remarks about how I got married.
Isn’t it offending a woman when asking did your husband come alone to marry you? I mean, in a Pakistani setting one wouldn’t go into these themes or what?
You are right that SIL is an adult and she obviously doesn’t listen to others. But I cant help it when I see how their marriage is developing. However she isn’t willing to seek any advice or take small actions to improve her situation. Instead she keeps on doing what she has planned. She has always been like that.
Should I just watch her falling and just ignore it?
Like others said, just igmore it, what else can you do, she is nt willing to seek help, so if you talk about her personal life, she might get offended and in the end blame you if her marriage fails, which I hope it doesnt.
What I said about tell him a piece of my mind, is when he asks you about your marriage or other topics you dont want to discuss, then tell him firmly, that you would rathe not discuss your life matters with him and it is none of his business but of course, it should not sound rude but just firm.
Like others said, just igmore it, what else can you do, she is nt willing to seek help, so if you talk about her personal life, she might get offended and in the end blame you if her marriage fails, which I hope it doesnt.
What I said about tell him a piece of my mind, is when he asks you about your marriage or other topics you dont want to discuss, then tell him firmly, that you would rathe not discuss your life matters with him and it is none of his business but of course, it should not sound rude but just firm.
you are right. I Guess he has gotten too much freedom to comment etc cuz everyone in the Family is nervous about SIL's 3rd marriage going Down the drain.
I will start ignoring both SIL and her husband in general but set the stage for how to behave when in my house, in a gentle way though.
Guest: "Why do you guys.....(enter whatever sort of inappropriate query you want here)?"
Me: "Would you like some more biryani.....?"
Guest: "Oh, no thank you, I have enough right now."
short pause
Guest: "So I was asking....how come you guys......(enter same query as above here)?"
Me: Looking them directly in their eyes "Please, have some more biryani. You really haven't taken enough."
The switched on people get it. They stop the questioning.
Others you may have to be more direct with.
They are the only family we have in this city and I therefore invite them over for dinner every now and then.
Get to know other Pakistani families in the area and invite them over for dinner. Just b/c SIL is related to you, doesn't mean you have to invite her and her annoying husband for dinner on a regular basis. Invite them once in a while....like once every 2-3 months...but otherwise limit contact. You don't like her husband and based on what you write, it doesn't sound like SIL and you are close friends.
And when the husband asks you questions which you are not comfortable answering, simply tell him directly that you do not feel comfortable discussing the topic with him and if he really wants to know, he should ask your husband.
Should I just watch her falling and just ignore it?
Yes. Don't waste your time and energy on adults who are not asking you for your help or your opinions on their marriage/life.