Advice please

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I’ve been talking to a guy for several months… 7-8 months. It started off with serious intentions of marriage. We’re really compatible, he’s my best friend. I live in Georgia while he’s in VA. Our parents have communicated and he’s made the effort to see me (but hasn’t met my parents). The thing is… Our parents still haven’t met. I had to go to DC for a conference so the plan was for me to meet his family- which was approved by our parents. His family cancelled on me the night before saying that it’s wrong and they’re suppose to see my family first. Then he told me his parents were thinking of coming down labor down weekend- they didn’t and instead told my mother they would come the next month. All this while, my family is confused about what’s going on because they keep extending things… Seems like no interest, eventually rejection. I’ve argued with him because he tells me they’re coming on a certain date but then his mom gets confused and says another date later on to my mom. And he insists that his parents are interested. I need some advice on what to do. Our recent argument over this made things awkward and it’s taking a while for things to be normal between us. He told me to be patient. He apologized and said he feels bad about what’s been going on- its not fair to me or my parents. I’m 28 and I don’t know if I’m wasting my time on this relationship. Advice please.

2

Re: Advice please

Yea, sorry but it sounds like there is major hesitation on his parent's end...how did you meet the guy? Maybe it's a possible disapproval from his parents that he's found someone on his own?

I hate to say it, but if they can't even commit to meeting you or your parents, how exactly is this supposed to work?

3

Re: Advice please

met through an acquaintance.

I told him that I think his mom isn't in favor of this. He spoke to his mom and she mentioned how there should be a nikkah done next spring. But I'm not sure if she's serious. She also prefers that their full immediate family come down to GA and he says their schedules are the issue.

He tells me that I'm overreacting and overanalyzing. Frustrating.

Our mothers first spoke at the end of July... Is it normal for parents/families to not meet yet?

4

Re: Advice please

I just wanted to clarify certain things….

So at first HIS family was ok with meeting you, but then the night before they changed their mind stating that its wrong?

When his parents did not come to meet your parents on Labor Day weekend, what reason did they give you for that? Even when his mom gives your mom a date and doesn't come, what exact reason is she giving for not coming?

Is there any reason why your parents can't fly to VA with you to meet them?

5

Re: Advice please

*My parents have offerered to go. But my guy thinks it should be the other way around to be more respectable. And that's what his bro and sis wanted too. I thought those traditions dont matter much anymore.
*

Im just lying low for now. I know all of this is frustrating him. My mom told his mother to figure out their schedules and get back to us. I don't know if I should give up on this.

6

Re: Advice please

Doesn't sound like they've given you any VALID reasons for the delay. If the guy is truly serious and knows that HIS family is having trouble scheduling a date…..personally I find it very odd that he would contribute to the delay by preventing your parents from going there b/c of "tradition".

Given that you're 28 and have already invested 7-8 months into this….my advice would be to get back on the market and start pursuing other potential rishtas. Let this guy know that since him and his family has not been able to make any formal commitment so your side in the past few months, you see absolutely no reason to completely hold off your rishta search. You two already know each other so there really is no reason to continue keeping in touch with him on a regular basis & get more attached emotionally UNLESS his parents are serious about taking this to the next level. So you should let him know that the he or his family should contact your side when they are ready to set a specific date for the meeting. Until then…..you need to continue exploring other rishtas. After all…..there is nothing to indicate that the guy or his family isn't exploring their options.

7

Re: Advice please

If the family is traditional and have relatives who r all up in their business then it does actually make sense that they didn't want u to come alone first to meet them. I also think that it would be a bit odd in the traditional sense but in this day and age and seeing all the geographic restrictions about rishta finding in the US it is also possible to overlook all these traditions... Which they would prefer not to do (still understandable). Another thing... Why they would want to bring the whole tabbar is beyond me because essentially te guy and parents visiting should be enough for baat pakki. It could also be that they are seriously interested in u.. And that they want to do a baat pakki on the spot when they visit u and so they would like the siblings to all be there ... Hence the difficulty scheduling. Some parents insist on it but I've seen guys persuade them otherwise just because of their insistence. K bus maenay jaldi karni hae mangni to aap chalain, siblings sub wedding pay hongay iA so baat pakki doesn't matter. Also, if this was supposed to actually just be a meeting between families then I would suggest u insist to the guy that they do some sort of moon meetha or something that says yes this rishta is done (Ring would be preferrable). Since there are so many logistical issues meeting once I don't think ur want to put that off for a second meeting and then getting frustrated again with their travel plans.

Another factor, if u call it a baat pakki instead of a "formal engagement", his siblings and parents will be willing to forgo sibling presence at the event. Because rings will still be exchanged and ull get what u want without the drama. So u can suggest that to him, k he convince his parents that they just work with their own schedule , find time, and that he'll just make that time work for him and that thy fly in to meet u. Also offer that ur parents would love that they stay with u but ur family is traditional and would prefer guy and girl not be living under the same roof before u r married (munaasib nahi lagta). That u can book them a hotel to make that offer genuine. Whatever u do u do not want to be spending a whole weekend with mil to be where she can analyze all ur uthna bethna plus find keeray in ur family's hospitality. So minimal time spent is good. Just get the job done (baat pakki) and live happily ever after (inshAllah) :)

8

Re: Advice please

I remember my nand was doing some sort of drama when I was getting engaged or married, like basically making it difficult to set a date, as in too many considerations of what would be more convinient for her. I've just had a baby how will I shop for the wedding, my husband has travel plans to meet bro in US at that time etc etc. (I think she just wanted more of a gap between her baby and the wedding and she wanted to be in on wedding preps which thank god she was not because would be added drama). But (thankfully or not) my dad travels a lot for work and either it would have been then or the following year, no time in the middle. So I told my hubby k dekh lain aapki marzi hae we can just do it next year then (I guess I didn't have a prob saying that cuz I was fishing for more time) but he was more in a hurry to get it done so he told his sister k bus is time Mae hae shadi (matlab aana hae to aao), then all her drama and (apparently) important travel plans melted away and she just came to the wedding.

9

Re: Advice please

Tell them Sabari Kabab is awesome here and they shouldn't miss that :D

10

Re: Advice please

I hate to say it but this doesn't sound good. I actually have a friend in a similar situation...the guy's parents have known about their relationship for 2 years now and STILL haven't met the girl's family! My friend's boyfriend actually asked her to tell her mother to call and insist they come over (there are no geographical issues here, a 40min drive if that) but they continue making excuses. I also told my friend that under no circumstances should aunty ring and force them- they need to come on their own accord. I think you need to have a firm talk with your guy (yes even if it leads to a possible argument) so that you know exactly where you stand. If they are just making excuses it isn't sensible for you to keep wasting time and other opportunities.

11

Re: Advice please

I think they're stalling...buying time.

12

Re: Advice please

You should do isthikhara to see if this is right for you and if you should pursue it

13

Re: Advice please

**Restart search
**Would it harm to start looking again? and yes 28 is a mature age where one can avoid emotional mistakes.
Yes it would be difficult at first but its worth it

*Communication Gap,between parents.
*

How about your mom calling her mom and just talk for a while, actually give his mom a chance to speak about stuff other than marriage e.g dresses, dinner , weather , vacation plans , kids etc

Wouldn't be harmful i guess and will definitely clear confusions.

After few discussions she could invite them again on a certain date .

If they don't show up or still unwilling ,then its confirmed there is some problem.

*Scenario 1
*
his parents don't want him to marry you because of any reason
e.g they want someone else
they dislike something about you
they are considering a better option

In this scenario further communication will definitely help

*Scenario 2
*
They have some legitimate reason for not being able to come over.

in this case your mom can also later on politely convey them that it would be difficult to wait any further because its a very delicate matter.
Or she could phrase it like there is another proposal for her but I refused them as i have already invited you to our home at this date...

anyways girl best of luck.

14

Re: Advice please

Sounds like your guy needs to grow a pair and make it happen.

Honestly, don't forget men are hunters. They don't like to be chased. Just back off and lay low. No need to argue. When he comes back, as he inevitably will, tell him simply that your family wants to know where you stand and the failure to commit to a date to meet isn't instilling any confidence and making them consider alternatives. Don't lie or embellish but just be honest in telling him that you don't really take him or them seriously.

If he doesn't light a fire under them and make it happen, he is a momma's boy and you will have dodged a bullet.

As far as the best friend thing is concerned, while you obviously have deep feelings for the guy, I wouldn't hold out on the best friend part yet. Best friends don't embarrass your family or you and they are respectful of your time. Let him earn the best friend badge, don't hand it out just yet.