I am in the process of going through proposals and at times I wonder about quite a few things whether I should ask them beforehand or later on. So it would be nice to hear your opinions.
Let’s say you are in the middle of your studies, doing your bachelor and you get married, and continue with your studies. And it was always a dream of yours to go abroad for your Masters… should you ask your future husband if he is going to be fine with it, if you left for a few months to go and do your Masters? How do you think he’ll react to this?
And lets say there was something in your past, like for a year or so, where you had a relationship with someone and wanted to marry this person, that person was of your choice, but it didn’t work out, there wasn’t anything physical, but still it was some sort of a relationship. Is it wise to tell the future husband before the marriage about this or later on or not at all? And if not at all, what if it comes out one day, won’t he be totally upset with you?
regarding the study, my personal advice would be to talk it out with the guy.. do let him know what ure future plans are..regarding study, career etc.. it shouldnt come to him as a shock later on..
i myself got engaged few months before i graduated..i was 19 then..now im 20 hehe.. and will get married after 6 months..
i wanted to start my masters right away.. but id get married in between.. so i either wanted to finish my masters and then get married.. or get married and start later.. didnt want it to be in the middle of no where..
so i spoke this out with my fiance and his family, that i wish to do my masters later on.. and mashAllah everyone is supportive of it..
regarding the past relation etc.. this was on my mind too..but i always noticed that my fiance wasnt interested in talking about any of our pasts.. n he said we should try and be the best we can for each other and future.. past is gone n cant be changed so who cares..
once i even asked him directly if he wants to know anything about my past etc.. and he said that he doesnt wanna know cuz it doesnt affect him in any way..and i myself also am not interested to know his past.. so both of us aint bothered..
so.. we kept the past out of our relation.. till now atleast hehe..
another thing which in my opinion would be a good thing to sort out before hand is career.. whether u want to be a working lady or not?.. and what he wants..? (i did it)
im too young to give u any advice.. but i thought id share my experience with u..
im sure the elders here can guide us better! =)
one more suggestion... talk to ure mother about any questions u have because its one of the most important decisions of ur life.. no one can guide u and understand u better than your mum.. =)
I feel what your going thru. I was in the same situation with all the school situation your talking about. I was a senior in high school when i got engaged. Still currently engaged..its been two years now mashallah and getting married soon inshAllah. I had always planned on going to med school to be a pediatrician and at first, I had two other back up plans just in case that didnt work. My parents and I both spoke to my in-laws. And they agreed upon letting me complete my education even though i have so much of it left. Inshallah ill be able to finish !
Moreover, your issue about the relationship, well if im not mistakening, Islam says somethign like if its going to ruin your relationship with your husband or soon to be fiance. Dont say anything. Here is a link that might help: Islam QA - Effect of a wife telling her husband about her bad past, and the effect of that on her life good luck. May Allah ease all your worries. i`A
MiamisweetheartX - thanks for sharing that article!!! =) ..
now im glad me and my fiance left the past out of our relation! we never bothered to know each others past or discuss it.. and after reading this article..im glad we didnt!
i think its best to leave that aspect, out of a relation!
however, u can discuss things like study, career etc..
About the studies question- I got married before my junior year in college i.e. in the middle of my bachelors. I had told my husband beforehand that I wanted to go to med school (I wasn't going to throw my hard work down the drain). He and his family were both very supportive. Right now I am in med school- with a son- and I don't have any issues or problems, MashAllah. I think the most important thing is your husband's support..Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed but he is a constant encouragment.
Regarding your past- I think u should just keep it to ur self. I don't think there is anything good that can come out of it now or in the future. Someone might accept your past now but that doesnt mean its never going to come up again in the future and become a problem for both of u. You guys will have a long life ahead of you... InshaAllah..you would want it to be peaceful.
Thanks a lot, all of you... your comments are helping a lot.
And yes, I may not tell him about my past, but what comes to my mind then is what if my 'ex' confronts my husband at some point in the future. How would my husband feel then? Would telling him then not upset him a lot more? Could it result in him losing trust in me?
Let's just say I think my 'ex' is unpredictable and I am not sure what he could be capable of in the future.
Or maybe I should just keep quiet and go with the flow.